Passive-aggressive purity queen Taylor Swift has already released three songs from her upcoming Reputation album. This week, she hurriedly dropped a third, “Gorgeous,” which is a thinly veiled ode to her boyfriend, British actor Joe Alwyn. Taylor has gone to great lengths to keep her and Joe’s relationship under wraps. Until now. The new songs aren’t getting stuck in our heads like the ones off 1989 did. So it’s time to pull out the big guns. And by “big guns,” I mean the revelation that she’s all about using her limited edition adult-sized Easy-Bake Oven for her man.
Us Weekly reports that Taylor’s allowing information to trickle out about how normal and lovey-dovey her relationship is with Joe via “an insider.” This is obviously an effort to avoid her upcoming tour tickets selling for $ 13 via Groupon like KatyCat’s have. (True story – Katy Perry tix were available at that price when she played here in Boston.)
“They have quite a low-key relationship, which Taylor likes,” the insider reveals. “It’s very normal, and no one really knows about it right now. They just work out, watch movies together and invite friends over. Taylor loves to cook and bake for him. They are still taking it slow.”
They insider also says that they’re “very much in love.” That’s so boring. Just once, you wish someone would be open and honest and reveal that “he’s addicted to Internet porn and I scrapbook to keep the pain at bay. But we make it work somehow.”
It’s possible that UsWeekly’s exclusive “insider” ISN’T on the Serpent Squad. Because, while speculating that Taylor and Joe might go public soon, they also sort of noted how calculating Swifty is. The first rule of Serpent Squad is “you never trash the Queen Cobra in the press.”
The ultra private couple may finally be ready to make their public debut, though. “Expect to see them step out together really soon,” a source exclusively told Us in September. “It’s often been Taylor’s M.O. to be seen with a new guy first, have her new single drop and then announce her new album. But this time, she’s kept the guy private. And that’s pretty interesting. She really likes Joe.”
Taylor to Joe this week:
“My love for you is so strong that I have resisted utilizing you for my latest marketing campaign so far, beloved Joe. But shit is getting desperate and I need some positive press so I can keep my brand afloat. So let’s call the paps up, and give them a time and GPS location for when and where we’re going to be walking Olivia Benson.“
Speaking of Taylor’s kitty, she’s prominently featured in one of Taylor’s new “Taylor Swift Now” ads for ATT below. You might want to take a hard pass if you’re diabetic.