Woop, woop! Time to strap in, kids, and let’s take a ride down the filthy, depraved roller coaster that is Human History, as Reddit asks the question: Reddit Asks the Question: ‘What X-Rated Facts Don’t They Teach You in School?’
Mozart was very fond of scatalogical humor. He wrote several songs about shitting on people or just shitting in general, and he also sent some really filthy letters to his sister.
Victor Hugo slept with so many prostitutes that on the day he died, all the brothels in Paris were closed, because so many of the prostitutes took the day off the mourn him.
The first thing the «Father of Microbiology,» Anton van Leeuwenhoek, put under a microscope was semen. They understood that semen was integral to the creation of life but didn’t yet understand the concept of single-cell organisms. He fully expected to see tiny little humans in his jizz.
So yeah, the first thing he did was whack off on a slide and look at it.
Ben Franklin was known to take Air-Baths, where he would sit in a room for hours, totally nude. He believed it was good for overall health.
Frankenstein author Mary Shelley lost her virginity on her mother’s grave.
In West Berlin, during the cold war, the East Germans (and the Russians who helped them) opened a number of gay nightclubs and bars, hoping to use them as honey traps to blackmail and embarrass U.S. military personnel who might frequent them. The bars became so popular with the (at the time) underground gay culture in Berlin, that they stopped bothering to use them as honey traps because they could make more money by simply running the places as nightclubs and bars.
Giambologna’s statue of Neptune in Bologna, Italy.
Legend has it that Giambologna wanted to make Neptune’s wang bigger, but, naturally, the Church forbade him from doing so and even forced him to shrink it down so that it wouldn’t be «too sexy». In retaliation, he designed the statue so that, from a certain angle, the outstretched thumb of Neptune’s left hand seems to stick out from the lower abdomen, similar to an erect penis, and points menacingly at the nearby church.
Pedro I of Brazil (a.k.a. Pedro IV in Portugal) was a well-known party boy and womanizer. His fame was so great that, when he got widowed, eight princesses from European royal houses explicitly declined his marriage proposal, making the Brazilian ambassador in Europe look like a fool. Amélie of Leuchtenberg, granddaughter of the King Maxmillian I of Bavaria took one for the team, married him at the tender age of 17 and Pedro remained faithful to her until his death.
A first century BCE letter from a Roman poet to his critics, translated:
I will sodomize you and face-fuck you
Cock-sucker Aurelius and Catamite Furius, You who think, because my verses are delicate, that I am modest.
For it’s right for the devoted poet to be chaste Himself, but it’s not necessary for his verses to be so.
Verses which then have taste and charm, If they are delicate and sexy, And can incite an itch, And I don’t mean in boys, but in those hairy old men who can’t get their flaccid dicks up.
You, because you have read of my thousand kisses, You think I’m a sissy?
I will sodomize you and face-fuck you.
In Ancient Rome, babies weren’t considered people until they were older. So if you gave birth to a child you didn’t want, you could dispose of it in the same place where you disposed of all the other unwanted substances that came out of your body, the outhouse/toilet/poop-hole in a field.
No one questioned this unless the child was obviously of a certain age.
Archeologists find a lot of baby skeletons when they discover the toilets/sewers near ruins of Roman brothels.
A mob killed the Dutch prime minister and his brother in 1672, and cooked and ate their livers right there.
It also may have been instigated by the fucking head of state of Holland at the time, which makes it several magnitudes more fucked up in my book.
Vlad the Impaler, the 15th century leader of what is today Romania and also the inspiration for the character Dracula, was extremely creative in coming up with painful ways to kill prisoners. He decided that impaling people through the ass with sharp wooden stakes and letting a horse pull you until it came out through your face wasn’t painful enough, so he decided to stop using sharply pointed stakes and a horse and instead switch to impaling people with a flat stake and turn it vertically as to allow gravity to do all of the work. That way non of your organs get pierced so the process takes a lot longer. He would also sometimes have his meals brought to him while he watched this happen so that helped inspire the myth that he was eating the people he killed.
Julie D’Aubigny was a famous 17th century French opera singer who once took the holy vows to enter a convent just so she could have sex with a nun.
She also had a habit of seducing women at parties, which would lead their husbands to challenge her to a duel. She was an expert duelist and killed 10 men like this.
In Victorian America and England, ladies dresses were often so large and difficult to remove that underwear had to be crotchless so they could squat over the chamberpot without taking off their dresses.
Since we’re talking about shitting, you know why they call it a «stool» sample? Toilets were often nicely padded and looked like little stools when rich people had the money to get one. You know, instead of shitting over a hole in the winter at 3AM.
More shit, you ask? Sure thing! Did you know that heels became more popular among women because ladies dresses would often reach the ground, which was kind of an issue since most of the Victorian streets were covered in an inch or two of manure.
On the note of manure, New York had a manure crisis in 1894. There were too many horses shitting on the streets, and the manure was too heavy to carry out and to frequently replenished that the only way to move it… Was with more horses. That would continue shitting. This is why cars became the norm.
Nearly every coupling in history was between 3rd cousins or closer. Roughly 80 percent of all marriages in history have been between second cousins or closer. You, me, and everyone else is descended from Cousin-marriages.
We all think about it as something British Royals or Alabama Rednecks had going on, but up until the 1900s virtually no one married complete strangers.
John Harvey Kellog (yes that Kellogg on your sugary cereals) hated masturbation and thought it would rot your child’s brain. He thought spicy foods made you sexually excited and so people were convinced that giving your child bland foods would keep the hormones at bay. This made Kellogg put into production all these bland tasting cereals and graham crackers (which had little to no sugar back then) to keep your children from popping boners. As an added extent, he would advise parents to sew your young boy’s foreskin closed without anesthesia and pour carbolic acid on your young girl’s clitoris. He would brag about not having sex with his wife of 20 years
Now go eat your cereal
A love letter from famous writer James Joyce to his beloved:
My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I fucked you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest fucking I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, fucking in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.
You say when I go back you will suck me off and you want me to lick your cunt, you little depraved blackguard. I hope you will surprise me some time when I am asleep dressed, steal over to me with a whore’s glow in your slumberous eyes, gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers and gently take out your lover’s fat mickey, lap it up in your moist mouth and suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth. Sometimes too I shall surprise you asleep, lift up your skirts and open your drawers gently, then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily round your bush. You will begin to stir uneasily then I will lick the lips of my darling’s cunt. You will begin to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Then I will lick up faster and faster like a ravenous dog until your cunt is a mass of slime and your body wriggling wildly.
Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.
Petr Knava lives in London and plays music