I’m Telling You Guys…Get Captain Morgan’s Jack-O Blast For Your Parties This Weekend…Not Even A Sponsored Post!

No lie, Captain Morgan sent word last week that they were looking for a little help with a blog post featuring Captain Morgan Jack-O’ Blast and gave me the typical marketing pitch. Blogs get dozens of these pitches daily and they normally go into the trash.

Not the Captain Morgan emails. Of course Captain would do a little trade where I write a post, I get a tester. Since the BC HQ is low on Blast, I was in. Perfect way to reload for the Halloween parties in the neighborhood.

I actually drink this stuff. Sometimes we throw PR agencies a bone and forget the product. Not the Blast. This stuff will get crushed by my neighbors. They’re going to love me when I get home from New York.

Here’s the deal, this stuff is a limited run this time of year. You’ve been warned.

(60 proof, 30% ABV) has a suggested retail price of $ 15.99 for a 750 ml bottle.

Captain Morgan Jack-O’Blast Shot

1.5 oz. Captain Morgan Jack-O’Blast

 

Pumpkin Spiced Shotte

1 oz. Captain Morgan Jack-O’Blast

1 oz. Captain Morgan LocoNut

  1. oz. Cold Brew

Top with Whipped Cream & Cinnamon

Combine Jack-O’Blast, LocoNut and cold brew in a shaker with ice. Pour into 2.5 oz. shot glass, top with whipped cream and a caramel drizzle.

Apple Jack-O

1.5 oz. Captain Morgan Jack-O’Blast

4 oz. chilled apple cider

Combine all ingredients in a glass filled with ice, stir and serve.


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Open Post: Hosted By The First Picture From The “Roseanne” Revival 

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All together now: WHERE ART THOU FUCKING CRYSTAL?

29 years ago today, Roseanne debuted on ABC, and… wait, hold up for a second. I have to buzz my nurse to bring me a fresh big boy nappy along with my lunch of blended peas porridge. I made a poopy in the diaper she put on me this morning. And yes, I’m writing this from a nursing home since I’m old. I’m “I remember watching Roseanne’s pilot episode” old.

Yesterday, ABC celebrated the 29th anniversary of Roseanne’s birth by tweeting pictures from a table read for the revival, which comes out next year. From left to right is: the legendary Laurie Metcalf, Roseanne, D.J. Conner, the little girl who plays D.J.’s daughter, someone I don’t know, executive producer Whitney Cummings (yes, she’s an EP for some reason), another someone I don’t know, the Beckys, John Goodman, Sara Gilbert, Darlene’s gender creative child, and some others I don’t know. David (played by Johnny Galecki) is still “in talks” to join them all. And I’m assuming that in the picture above, John Goodman is covering his nose from a butt burp pooted out by one of the Beckys. Becky #1 totally blamed it on Becky #2 and vice versa.

Here’s another picture shared by actress Emma Kenney who plays the grown-up Harris Healey (aka Darlene and David’s daughter):

There’s something really, really off about these pictures. It’s weird how they’re all happy and smiling when the regular cast is incomplete! I already mentioned Crystal, but where’s Roseanne’ uppity cousin Ronnie (played by Dame Joan Collins), Nancy (played by Sandra Bernhard), Beverly (played by Estelle Parsons) and Morgan Fairchild?! How can they all agree to do that shit without those highly important five characters? I guess a check is a check. Scabs!

Pic: @RoseanneOnABC

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Open Post: Hosted By Kristen Stewart In A Sexy David S. Pumpkins Costume

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Just like Jennifer Lawrence and Reese Witherspoon, Kristen Stewart spoke about sexual harassment in Hollywood at last night’s Elle Women in Hollywood event and hocked a loogie at that “motherfuckerHarvey Weinstein without naming his name. And as she did that, she worked a stunning outfit straight from the Haus of What The Fuck. I know, you can always count on me to focus on what’s really important from an event.

KStew gave us the answer to the question: What do you get when you smoke a joint laced with Adderall before making an outfit from a church lady’s old white pantyhose, a Southern dandy’s Halloween suit, a lace bra and the black guts of a cassette? Vanity Fair tells me that KStew’s suit was made by designer Antonio Berardi. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen an Antonio Berardi outfit before, but I’ll still say that he outdid himself here. Antonio gave us a W when he put those shoulders cutouts in that blazer. He gave us a T when he covered those shoulder cutouts with old pantyhose. And he gave us an F when he rolled up those pants.

KStew’s outfit may look like an off-brand “sexy David S. Pumpkins” Halloween costume from Ricky’s, but it’s perfect for many other holidays too. If you’re sick of spending your Thanksgiving dinner listening to your relatives yell at each other, just wear this. They’ll be too busy wondering what the fuck you’re wearing to fight. It’ll bring the whole family together!

Pics: Wenn.com

Dlisted

Open Post: Hosted By A Double Dose Of What We All Need Right Now

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I’m talking about man nipples, of course. But I won’t judge you (to your face) if you’re a sucio pit sniffer who looked at my headline and thought I was talking about juicy sweat ditches.

America’s Next Top Model 22 winner Nyle DiMarco and Italian math teacher turned panty creamer of Instagram Pietro Boselli must’ve known that what the world really needs right now is a healing serving of topless hotness. Because Nyle and Pietro got together in London recently and took off their shirts before doing what I like to call, “butt bouncing on an invisible peen” lifts (see: above).

Both Nyle and Pietro shared their beautiful time together on Instagram, and Nyle told everyone to keep that brown eye wide open, because they did a video together and it’s coming soon.

So, let’s see, they got half-naked and worked up a sweat while shooting an internet video together? Judging by that description (and my wishful thinking), I will be keeping an eye wide open, specifically on SeanCody.com.

Pic: Instagram

Dlisted

Open Post: Hosted By Kate McKinnon As “Kellywise”

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One of the better sketches from last night’s Saturday Night Live featured their star player Kate McKinnon playing completely delusional #MAGA apologist Kellyane Conway as the murderous clown demon Pennywise from It. Kellyanne actually didn’t need any more makeup or allusions to horror movies to make her more terrifying but this was pretty much spot-on.

You could sort of see her staging a press conference from a sewer due to a nuclear war with North Korea and explaining it away as “President Trump wanted me to demonstrate how this country’s infrastructure is crumbling because of Obama, and I’m in this sewer to highlight all of the damage that POTUS is trying to fix.” Eventually, “Kellywise” manages to bite Anderson Cooper’s arm off and drag him down with her. Honestly, because of the way that things have been going, that doesn’t seem very far-fetched.

Pic: YouTube

Dlisted

Open Post: Hosted By Britney Spears Expressing Herself Through Art, Again

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Everyone needs to speak their truth and express themselves artistically. Some artists, however, don’t want to be locked into just one form of artistic expression. Take Britney Spears for example. Sometimes lip-synching in a fatigued manner and making half-hearted attempts at choreography isn’t enough for a true artiste. And that’s why she takes to the canvas and paints.

Britney threw on a halter top and some booty shorts to show her Instagram followers one of her many talents. An artist in the post-Impressionism mold, her deliberate brush strokes and thoughtful use of color reveals more about her than “E-Mail My Heart” ever could. Actually, she could probably put this on Etsy and some crazed fan would spend big bucks to snatch it up. It’s a whole new revenue stream for Brit.

Sometimes you just gotta play!!!!!! 🤓😜💋💅🏻👩🎨🎨👯👗👛👒👠🦄🦋🐠🌹💥💥

A post shared by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on

Pic: Instagram

Dlisted

Open Post: Hosted By A Dick Tree

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For the sake of nurses and doctors, I hope I never run into that tree in the wild, because they’re the ones who are going to have to remove splinters from my ass.

There’s been one contestant on Jeopardy! who has split the internet in two (not really)!!! Austin Rogers is a bartender from NYC who is like a grown up Dustin from Stranger Things in the May Company suit your dad wore for your Olan Mills family portrait. Some people (aka hipster fuckers) have felt things from taking in Austin’s hipster smugness, and others have gotten cramps in their eye-rolling muscles from taking in Austin’s hipster smugness. But however you feel about Austin, you have to slow clap for his Jeopardy! reign, and you really have to slow clap (with your ass cheeks) over how he went out.

Austin Rogers won 12 games straight and his prize money totaled $ 411,000. That can buy him a lot of Salvation Army corduroy blazers and small batch IPAs. But no amount of money can buy the beautiful thing that Austin Rogers got Alex Trebek to say last night. The answer was, “Slang For A Detective,” and Austin won nearly every piece of whatever is left of my heart by saying, “What is a….dick?” And he won every single piece of whatever is left my heart by getting Alex Trebek to say, “DICK TREE.

And a meme was born!

But please, Alex Trebek, you wear glasses and wear a suit 24 hours a day (even to bed), which means that you’re smart. So you should know that a dick tree is what you get when you bury a dude’s cum load in a sunny spot and water it every day. Or maybe that’s how babies are made? I don’t know. I’m not Alex Trebek!

Austin ended up losing last night. But you know, the real winner of Jeopardy! isn’t the one who walks away with the most money. It’s the one who got Alex Trebek to say dick tree.

Pic: Twitter

Dlisted

Open Post: Hosted By Armie Hammer Busting Out Moves To “Love My Way”

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The twink-on-college daddy love story Call Me By Your Name takes place in the 1980s, so it would be a crime if the makers didn’t include one of the oh-so-many musical jewels from that time. They did, and Sony Pictures Classics released a clip of Armie Hammer feeling every part of the beat while dancing to Love My Way by the The Psychedelic Furs. Armie is dancing like a frat boy whose coke buzz hasn’t ended even though the party is over and the lights have turned on. Dancing like nobody’s watching: Armie is.

Even though Armie Hammer has the rhythm of an actual hammer, the curly-topped twink (played by Timothée Chalamet) is feeling the awkward moves that he’s laying down. Armie’s dancing has also inspired someone to create an Armie Dancing To Twitter account, which is basically this scene paired with a bunch of different songs. But to me, the real master of dance in this clip is the girl with the Ogilvie home perm and polka dot body suit who slides into the shot at the 0:26 mark and steals our gazes. Now that is someone who knows how to translate the music of The Psychedelic Furs through dance!

I haven’t read the book or the seen the movie, so I have no idea if this dance scene goes down before or after the peach fucking scene. Armie is into it, so if this dance scene happens after the peach fucking scene, then I guess eating the combination of peach and jizz gives you tons of energy.

Here’s Timothée and Armie at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of Call Me By Your Name the other night.

Pics: Wenn.com, YouTube

Dlisted

Open Post: Hosted By A Raccoon Trying To Catch Raindrops

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I interrupt your regularly scheduled activity of wiping your eyeballs with Clorox wipes after exposing them to more Harvey Weinstein stories to bring you this riveting clip of a raccoon trying to drink water that’s falling from the sky while riding shotgun in someone’s car. If you’re wondering, “Why is that raccoon someone’s pet and why is that window almost all the way open?“, I can answer that with just a few words: this was filmed in Europe and Asia’s answer to Florida. I’m talking about Russia!

The Daily Mail pointed me toward this video of a car driving down the highway with its co-pilot, a raccoon, not doing its job because it’s too busy  trying to eat and catch the rain. This is very, very dangerous. I’m not only talking about someone letting their pet raccoon hang out of an open window. I’m talking about how other drivers could’ve looked over and lost control of their cars while WTF-ing at the sight of a raccoon trying to go all Billie Myers. But then again, this is pretty tame for the land of fuckery that is Russia. I’m sure that behind this car is a pick-up truck with a lemur orgy happening on the back.

And the driver/owner should really be arrested. I mean, it’s obvious that little raccoon is coked up and what kind of moron wastes their expensive coke on a raccoon? They’re easy and cheap. They get high on trash!

Pic: YouTube

Dlisted

Open Post: Hosted By Gary Fisher Watching “The Last Jedi” Trailer

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Grab the Kleenex because the trailer dropped for Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Carrie Fisher’s final film appearance and last turn as General Leia Organa. And former HSOTD Gary Fisher was just as eager to watch as the rest of the Star Wars tribe.

Entertainment Weekly notes how emotional everyone is naturally going to get seeing the late Carrie, and Gary obviously gets first dibs on the Xanax. He was Carrie’s therapy dog on paper but was so much more. Gary’s wacky tongue accompanied Carrie to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and he managed to liven up any morning TV interview his mom took part in.

Gary notes how beautiful Carrie looks, and it’s true. She’s beautifully staring down Adam from Girls (Adam Driver) while he ponders if he’s going to fire down her spaceship. A particularly rogue-ass son thing to do to his mother, don’t you think? The trailer also brings more of Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker and some weird otter-looking creatures that look like they’ll be a real pain in the ass. In short, it’s everything us nerds (and the box office) needs for a much-needed boost, but (assuming Adam isn’t a total Emo bitch to his mother), I just hope they let Gary don a wig and pick up where Leia left off.

Pic: Instagram

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