Open Post: Hosted By Nicki Minaj And Blac China Racing In Slutty Judy Jetson Frocks

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Fresh off Blac Chyna trying to steal Rob Kardashian’s leased Range Rover, MTV shows us Yo Gotti and Nicki Minaj are here to turn it all into fancy, shmancy art in the “Rake It Up” video. At least that’s what I think they’re doing? Well, this is a Nicki video. It’s not Louvre-style art. It’s a bunch of rubber-(barely) covered booty thangs gyrating in ways that would make the rakes in a normal backyard shed blush. So, like, the kind of art you see hanging on the walls of a Starbucks.

The whole video is currently exclusive to Tidal, which means we’ve only got clips. But that’s all we really need.

It starts out pretty simple: Nicki is here to prove all y’all’s parents wrong and show that money DOES grow on trees, and she’s here to rake it…yeah, you know where this is going. After working the rake pole like she’s in some airport adjacent “gentleman’s restaurant,” Nicki is off to the races. I still don’t really get why Blac is in this video. I get Nicki is probably getting tired of finding words to rhyme with MYX Moscato (on sale at New Hampshire Liquor Stores, Boston shoppers!), but she just says Chyna in that “Ima hiss this word even though there isn’t an ‘s’ in it” kinda way. You could easily give the people what they want and just do that with, I dunno…MARIAH?!?

Nicki seems pretty enthused to be racing Blac, but, girl, I’m onto you. The only reason you have her in that shiny, latex Barbarella getup is not because you just really like Jane Fonda after watching Grace & Frankie. It’s because that shit surely squeaks, and you want to hear if that huss tries to run off the Warner lot with so much as one of your Beats Pills!

Pic: Instagram

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Open Post: Hosted By Sarah Jessica Parker Geeking Out Over The Eclipse

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Yesterday while everybody in my TL was having eclipse fever, I was busy debating whether or not to take out the kitchen garbage, which was barely full but stinky. There was no eclipse here in Switzerland, but there are very strict rules about refuse disposal and you can only throw out very expensive garbage bags that they make you buy at either the post office or from behind the counter at select stores. So, while my natural inclination would be to just throw the fucking thing out because I am very smell sensitive and easily yucked out, the thrift-miser in me is inclined to hoard the garbage bags and fill them to the absolute brim to squeeze every last franc of value out of them.

Even so, the Great American Eclipse (it was actually, officially called that?) we hoped could heal a divided nation went on without me. Everybody in the “path of totality” (which sounds HORRIFYING, btw) was out there wearing their little glasses or with cereal boxes on their heads experiencing profound “moments.” None more so than broadway babe Sarah Jessica Parker.

SJP posted a video to Instagram of her on a boat somewhere in North Carolina gagging at the majestic wonder of it all. Maybe she has an audition for the role of “most moved by a somewhat rare natural phenomenon,” because she was doing the absolute most. She screams a frantic warning at somebody “don’t look too hard!!!” and says it’s “one of the most thrilling moments” of her life, smartly followed by “outside of having my children” and then, a beat too late, maybe two beats too late, “and marriage and all that.” Poor Matthew Broderick!

And it wasn’t even in totality yet, just a chip at the beginning. Can you only imagine the wailing, garment rending and pants peeing she must have done when the thing actually happened? You don’t have to, because here it is! She plotzed!

A post shared by SJP (@sarahjessicaparker) on

I am sorry to have missed it, I would totally have nerded out too. But come on, SJP, put the phone down and live in the moment! But actually don’t, because if everybody did that, I’d be out of a job.

Pic: Instagram

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Taylor Swift Has Returned To Social Media With A Single Reptile-Themed Post

Taylor Swift performing live on stage

Swifties (and president Donald Trump) stared at the sun all afternoon, and all they got were singed retinas! Taylor Swift, the sneakiest foal of all the My Little Ponies, is responsible for many a dry cleaning bill this Monday. All her fans shat themselves over the weekend upon learning she had wiped her social media clean. In real person world, that’s the second step after a new haircut in showing your ex-boo you’re well on your way to a “new you.” In TayTay world, it means you have a new album about to drop, and you’re going to induce the drip, drip, drip of water torture on your fans and have them do some really weird shit for a week so they can find out the name of the lead single.

This morning, Taylor slithered back onto Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr with a new video:

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

HAHA, joke’s on you betches, for your “Taylor Swift is a snake meme. Shes TOTALLY in on it, too, because that’s what cool-as-a-cucumber cat owners do. Right?! RIGHT?! She ran out of ex-boyfriends to sing about, so it’s only natural her next “I was wronged” warble is aimed at 80% of the posters on social media. Just kidding. 99%. Well, it could be to them, or just to that court room sketch artist who took a few, ah, creative liberties when TSwift was in court testifying the other week against that DJ ass grabber.

E! News burped up all the clues fans had found that the album was coming, and some thought it was going to tie in with today’s solar eclipse since, well, this is Taylor Swift, and a natural phenomenon is about the only thing left for her to try and upstage. I’m sure every Swifty was on Weather.com watching the livestream of the eclipse expecting her the pull a Katy Perry/Spotify mind game and release the new track just as the moon was blocking out all the light over Nashville. And Karlie Kloss’s house, just cuz.

Apart from the social media blackout, some people with nothing better to do detective fans went into the coding on Taylor’s website and found in that mess a slew of letters that, if you subtracted a letter from each, you got “that’s what they don’t see.” You weren’t going to see the sun this afternoon and omigod it MUST mean that’s the name of the new song!

Some were saying America was going to lose $ 700 million in productivity today due to the eclipse, but I doubt that. Tay kept every cardiologist across the country working ’round the clock tending to her fans and their new album anxiety. DirecTV also let the Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson out of bag, because it says Taylor will be on Good Morning America on Aug. 31. PLUS, if you flip 31, you get 13, which is Taylor’s favorite number. Good work, fans! It’s shit like this where I often think members of the Beyhive must wake up each morning, take a look at the Swifties, and say, “Sure, we overuse the bumblebee emoji, but at least we aren’t THAT bad!

Pic: Wenn.com

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Treasury Secretary’s Wife Posts Tacky-Ass Let-Them-Eat-Cake Instagram Post

The President spoke in primetime tonight. He interrupted Bachelor in Paradise basically to say that we have a new plan in Afghanistan but I’m not going to tell you what it is, but it’s basically the same plan that we’ve had all along, and also «we will win.» In other words: He announced that he’d engage in exactly what he’s argued against for years: An endless war.

«The President looked directly at the sun without any glasses, perhaps the most impressive thing a President has ever done.» An actual quote from Tucker Carlson. Tonight. On TV. In earshot of other people. With the intention of them hearing what he said. My God.

Meanwhile, here’s something we can celebrate:

Elsewhere, this Instagram post from Louis Linton — the wife of Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin — may ultimately get more attention than Trump’s speech last night.

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She actually tagged fashion designers.

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The post has since been deleted, and Linton has turned her Instagram profile to private.

Margot Robbie’s transformation into The Virgin Queen, Elizabeth I in the upcoming movie Mary Queen of Scots is insane. Insane. (Dlisted)

Vulva nail art is a … DEAR GOD. (NewNowNext)

And yet, that’s not the most disturbing thing we saw today. THIS is:

In Charlottesville, the Alama Drafthouse is running a 10-movie series examining bigotry & hatred in film. Check it out if you’re local. Proceeds go to the Southern Poverty Law Center. (Drafthouse)

Insert Joss Whedon joke here:

Speaking of divorce, Jesse Williams’ ex-wife is trying to impose a six-month rule on Williams’ girlfriends, which is to say: The new girlfriend can’t meet the kids until they’ve been dating six months. It’s a fair rule. But what if you’re Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s child, and you can’t go to the supermarket without seeing your Dad’s new girlfriend on the check-out stand mags? (Lainey)

Jay Z was fine with Kanye talking shit about him, until Kanye went and got Beyonce involved. Now it’s not OK. (Celebitchy)

Here’s today’s best and worst #SolarEclipse2017 tweet.

Over the weekend, I had a brain fart and used someone’s Twitter photo without proper attribution, like a dumbass, and the photographer rightfully called my ass out on Twitter. Anyway, amends were made, and the author of the photo, Crystal Huff, turns out to be an excellent person. She is the Executive Director of Include Better. She provides consultations, trainings and speeches around the world on diversity and inclusion efforts with a particular emphasis, of late, on Kyriarchy. Anyway, she is super cool, and if I might, I’d like to direct you to her website and thank her for being understanding. Check it out: (CrystalHuff)

Longtime Cannonballer narfna planned to reach Cannonball (52 books in a year) on a cool book. Instead she Cannonballed on an ordinary book that she really enjoyed. When He Was Wicked is part of Julia Quinn’s popular Bridgerton series. It has a grieving widow, a pining best friend, and "tempestuous illicit sex in the Scottish Highlands." What kind of book are you a sucker for? (Cannonball Read 9)

Pajiba

Open Post: Hosted By Britney Spears’ Live Vocals

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Britney’s back, bitches! Much like an allusive Bigfoot, Nessie or Jersey Devil sighting, Britney Spears has once again been caught on film in the wild, SINGING LIVE, which is something that has only been the stuff of legends for many years.

Britney, covering Bonnie Raitt‘s Let’s Give Them Something To Talk About in a creamy layer of irony, looks pretty good! Decked out in full Spirit Halloween store version of “Cher on an aircraft carrier” regalia, Brit Brit struts her stuff and prepares for glory. Ok, it starts off a little shaky (does she cross herself? I have watched this clip so many times now that it all just feels like a fever dream at this point), she takes a deep breath and plunges into the song with gusto.

I’m a singer; I know that that first note often sets the tone for the entire song. In Brit’s case, that tone is called “dogged determination.” So it’s a little rough and growly. Brit looks amazing and she is gonna sing this fucking song all the way through if it kills her! And it does get better. Brit finds her vocal sweet spot on the chorus and the audience is clearly loving everything she is doing. Britney is so cute, y’all! I’m happy for her and for these lucky fans who will have a wonderful if unlikely story to tell their great-grandchildren around the campfire someday.

Britney singing "Something to Talk About" live 😵 #shook #pieceofme

A post shared by Joey Monroe (@joeymonroe) on

Pic: Instagram

Dlisted

Open Post: Hosted By Derek Hough Doing Some Topless Shopping

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This makes me support the “Free the Nipple” movement now more than ever. Why can’t the ladies engage in this sort of vain tomfoolery?

Here’s Dancing with the Stars’ hot stepper Derek Hough out shopping in Studio City, CA. Can we assume thermometers were exploding that day and flinging mercury everywhere? The incredible heat must have been making Derek incredibly thirsty. He’s walking around with no shirt on! But no one else is! Does the west coast not have that “no shirt, no shoes, no service” deal with their stores?

It’s just fine for Derek to show off his Teutonic body game for the paps. But I do it over at the mall and I have two cops tazing me in front of the Gap Outlet. Discrimination!

Check out more pics of Derek and his chest engaging in retail therapy in the gallery below.

Pics: Wenn.com

Dlisted

Open Post: Hosted By Bing’s Sand Penis

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Bing usually has a big, beautiful photo as the background for their search engine. They recently used one of a tropical setting, and something fun was drawn in the sand on the beach. A big penis!

I couldn’t spot it at first, but Metro UK was kind enough to enlarge and zoom in for us. It was like when you have to find Jesus in the magic picture at C.C.D (you know, Sunday school but after school on Wednesday’s for the catholic kids). But, in this case, much sexier when you finally do. Let’s get a closer look, shall we? Enhance!

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Not close enough. CLOSER.

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Ah, there it is. This could have been some merry prankster hoping that search engine satellites were snapping pics that day. Or it could have been a stranded person who was really, really horny and this was their version of a dickstress signal. Probably the latter.

Eventually Microsoft discovered for themselves that there was a micro-sand penis on their homepage, and they Photoshopped it out. Now if you want Bing to give you a sandy penis, you’ll have to type in “Show me a sandy penis” first, but results may vary.

Pic: Metro UK

Dlisted

Open Post: Hosted By Miley Cyrus’ New Video

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There’s a lot to like about Miley Cyrus‘ video for “Younger Now.” I made a list:

– There’s a puppet.
– She hangs out with what looks like an elderly, gender-fluid biker gang.
– She’s not naked on a wrecking ball.
– No one’s twerking.
– Her backup dancers are all of a certain age.
– The fact that no one’s twerking should be mentioned again.
– The Gravitron!

The theme is sort of old-timey tv shows like Howdy Doody and The Lawrence Welk Show, etc. Miley spends a lot of the video looking like Morrissey, dressed up like he played the banjo in Patsy Cline‘s band.

The best part is the Graviton, though. Remember that ride? For those who’ve never ridden it, it’s a big, round spinny thing you go in, they lock it shut, and everyone leans against a padded wall panel. It then spins really, really fast. So fast that the section of the wall you’re on (which is on a track) rises and you’re kinda pinned near the ceiling. Everyone screams and feels flattened. It spins so fast that when someone inevitably vomits, the vomit will literally FLY through the air and hit your fellow passengers in the face. I didn’t do it, nor was I hit, so it was a pretty rad thing to watch. The Graviton ruled!

Pic: YouTube

Dlisted

Open Post: Hosted By Madonna Forgetting The Lyrics To Her Own Song

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Madonna turned 59 yesterday and she celebrated by posting a feisty video of herself and her wobbly boobies singing “B-Day Song” off her MDNA album. She forgot the lyrics, though. There is an opportunity here to make some sort of ageist joke about how she’s approaching senior citizenhood, so it makes sense that she’s forgetting lyrics now. But I won’t make it, goddamnit! I’m going to be 59 someday. So are you! Birthdays are stupid and Madge proves that we can keep rockin’ forever. As long as we have the correct Instagram filters because her face is as smooth as porcelain. It actually might be porcelain. She’s a billionaire, she can afford all the latest. Like that Willy Wonka as a My Little Pony jockey outfit she’s wearing.

And she doesn’t have to worry about people giving her the business for forgetting the lyrics to that song. Because I’m pretty sure people don’t remember that song or that that MDNA record.

When you can't remember the words to your own Song…..,..,,.,,,,,,🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🇮🇹♥️🤡🎂🎉🎉🎉🌈🌈😂💕🦁💃🏻 Still a Happy Girl!

A post shared by Madonna (@madonna) on

Pic: Instagram

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Open Post: Hosted By Judge Judy And The Case Of Good Boy Baby Boy

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Everybody knows that dogs are shady as fuck. My dog Professor Owen (RIP) used to pull some real cold-blooded shit on me. He had selective hearing and would ghost me at the dog park all the time. He humped legs, even worse, he once humped a young boy who was on his hands and knees playing. He stole a hot dog from a child’s hand and horked it down in seconds. He somehow managed to get up on the dining room table and eat an entire pecan pie which I was planning on eating as my post Thanksgiving breakfast pie. He’d eat cat shit and then lick your face. Once he disappeared and I found him on my neighbors ROOF looking for a damn squirrel. He was a real asshole and I loved him to bits.

I would hate to see Owen put through the test that Judge Judy puts a seemingly good dog Baby Boy through, in the clip below.

At first I thought it was going to be some kind of Kramer vs. Kramer test where Baby Boy would have to choose which of his parents he wants to live with. Thankfully that’s not the case. According to People:

The woman in possession of Baby Boy insists she legally bought the dog from someone selling the pet on the street. The other individual claims that he was Baby Boy’s owner before this sale, and that the pup was taken from him and sold to the dog’s current owner without his knowledge. He understandably wants Baby Boy back.

Baby Boy exhibited no hesitation in showing his rightful owner some love. I have to admit, I squirted out some salty eye juice (Sorry, Michael K. Oh wait, you can’t read this anyway, NM) when I saw how happy Baby Boy and his papa were to be reunited. Owen would probably have waltzed into the courtroom, run right past me and over to Judy and tinkled on her robe, because that’s just the kind of asshole he was. I loved that little fucker. He was a bad doggy, but he was a good boy, know what I mean?

Pic: YouTube

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