One of my favorite awards show campaign of all-time is Melissa Leo’sself-funded one. But this one from The Leftovers comes close to taking Melissa’s down and only because it features my favorite thing before pork rinds: DICK!
Even before The Leftovers started airing on HBO in 2014, Justin Theroux’sflopping down-low parts became the breakout star of the show. Paparazzi pics came out of Justin shooting a scene for the first season of The Leftovers while looking like his gray sweatpants were hosting a wrestling match between a weasel and two obese hamsters. So since Justin Theroux’s gray sweatpants (and his man parts in those sweats) have become stars of The Leftovers, the show’s co-creator Damon Lindelof is promising that the sweats will come down if they get some Emmy nominations.
The Emmys online balloting closed last night, and before it did, Damon made one last push for The Leftovers by pimping out Justin Theroux’s peen for votes. Damon promised that if The Leftovers gets nominated, Justin will Theroux off his sweatpants (sorry for that) and will show you what Jennifer Aniston gets to slather Aveeno lube on.
Damon started off by threatening everyone with a good time if Justin Theroux gets a nomination:
Damon didn’t follow-up with important details, like does just one of them need to be nominated or all of them? I’m going to tell myself that Justin will take off those sweats if The Leftovers gets at least one Emmy nomination for anything. They should get at least one. The nominations come out the morning of July 13, so I’m going to make an appointment to see my doctor that afternoon. Because I’m expecting to go in for a busted eyeball after one of Justin Theroux’s wrecking ball nuts hits me in the face when his takes off his sweatpants in a celebratory video.
But seriously, Justin Theroux once said that he wore 2 pairs of undies under his sweats, so yeah if The Leftovers get nominated, we’ll probably just get a picture of him wearing 2 pairs undies. I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment anyway, because my tonsils will need to be looked at after I curse Lindelof’s name louder than I did after the Lost finale.
Tall glass of Swedish leche, Alexander Skarsgard, is still in Capri, and yesterday the paps took pictures of him sunning his nipple knobs on a yacht. Poor ASkars’ skin looks about as hot as genitals get when its owner looks at shirtless pictures of him. His burnt-up body could really use a wet visit from some aloe vera. So on that note, I’m going to leave this here:
Sure that’s a spell to turn you into a shapeshifting animal, but I bet you could turn yourself into aloe vera instead. But before you shapeshift into aloe vera, make sure to give a trustworthy friend specific instructions on how to FedEx you to ASkars in Capri. Because you don’t want to go to all the trouble of shapeshifting into aloe vera only to find yourself getting spread all over a piece that ain’t ASkars.
In case you haven’t been anywhere near the internet the past few weeks, The Babadook, the star of the 2014 Australian horror movie, has become an almost overnight superstar icon to the LGBTQ community after a fan theory about his gayness was picked up. Since then, The Babadook has become the star of many pride parades, has been stealing your man on Grindr and I hear he’s working on a disco remix of I’m Coming Out (To Haunt Your Ass) and is in talks to join the second season cast of Logo’s Fire Island. So since The Babadook is everywhere, it was only a matter of time before someone started selling a BabaDick.
A special FX artist, who is working under the dildo-making stage name of Billy Raygun, started an IndieGoGo campaign (via Buzzfeed) to raise money to make The BabaDong Dildo. He’s hoping to raise $ 15,000, but if he can’t, he’ll refund all backers and no BabaDongs will get made. If the campaign reaches its goal and The BabaDong actually becomes a thing that’s available to buy, Billy Raygun says that 10% of profits from sales will go to the LGBTQ youth charity The Lambert House in Seattle.
To answer your question about The BabaDong, yes it’s dishwasher safe, just in case you get a little Babadookie on it. Billy describes his creation like this:
Behold the BabaDong, a high quality silicone dildo. The Babadong has a sturdy base, so you can strap it on and take it anywhere! Don’t worry if it gets dirty on your adventures (which it most likely will…) because the BabaDong is dishwasher safe!
As much as I love the BabaDong, I would never buy one. Most things make that face when they get near my b-hole and so I don’t need yet another thing judging me like that.
But really, now we can really call The Babadook a legend and icon. Because you truly haven’t reached icon status until someone has turned your likeness into a fuck toy.
The 29th annual World’s Ugliest Dog Contest was held in Petaluma, CA yesterday, and I haven’t checked what the weather was up there, but I’m guessing it was so damn hot that the sun’s rays melted the retinas of the judges and caused them not to see right. Because the gorgeous pooch who ended up with the illustrious title and prize package ($ 1,500 and a trip to NYC to work the media circuit) was Martha, a 3-year-old Neapolitan Mastiff from Sebastopol, CA. I don’t know how the hell that happened. If I go to the dog park right now, I’d immediately see at least 5 dogs that are uglier than Martha (“There must be a 5-way mirror at the entrance of the dog park you go to, bitch!” – you)
Usually, the Chinese Crested Dogs rule that contest, and the crown is put on the head of a beautiful pooch who looks like they were Methuselah’s childhood pet and whose potent ugly beauty could scare the fuck out of the animals on Pet Cemetery. So I guess this year’s judges decided to switch shit up and give the trophy to a dog who isn’t old, isn’t small and isn’t a Chinese Crested. ABC News says that Martha, who weighs in at 125 pounds, was rescued by her human, and at the time, she was blind from neglect. But thanks to surgeries, she can see again and so she clearly saw that she won the title of World’s Ugliest Dog, which is why she looks like she’s thinking, “Oh, I’m the ugliest of all these uglies? Okay then.”
Here’s Queen Martha and her beautiful wrinkly nutsack face being completely over it as she’s crowned the winner while the other contestants throw her “Who the hell did she hump for the crown?” looks.
If the contest was Best Impersonation Of Most People On A Monday Morning, Martha definitely would’ve deserved that trophy, but I will still bow down to the new Ugliest Dog Grand Champion (and she could honestly give a fart about that).
It’s been much too long since the ears of the world have been gently caressed by the velvety wave of powerful musical notes leaping out of the mouth of the most beautiful and talented swan in Britain, Katie Price! Katie’s highly impressive singing career started out in 2005 when she auditioned for Eurovision and she hasn’t released any music for a while. But along with various fillers, musical talent has been brewing inside Katie and she could no longer resist the urge to let it all out.
Katie has a new song out called I Got U. You can’t get it on iTunes in the U.S. Apple did have it on iTunes worldwide but their servers were brought down by billions of people trying to download the song of the millennium, so they yanked it off. Katie performed the song on Big Brother’s Bit on the Side last night (click here to watch it, motherfuckers won’t let me embed), and also on the talk show Loose Women(she’s a guest panelist on that) earlier this week. The other panelists were left stunned and were obviously not ready for those vocals, which were a mixture of recorded auto-tuned track and hound dog getting castrated without sedation. Katie not only can do a flawless impersonation of a Blow-Up Doll (see: picture above), but she can stun hos with her glorious voice. I can’t hate on Katie’s dancers for not really staying together. It’s physically impossible to concentrate on dance moves while in the presence of such natural, overwhelming talent!
Of course, haters slammed the nightingale of England for both performances, and said that she made their ears bleed. Katie said that she had “technical problems” during her Loose Women performance and doesn’t care about the haters. Katie shouldn’t care, because they have no idea what they’re talking about. Of course their ears bled. Their ears bled from the sheer power of that voice hitting them. They weren’t prepared, just like they weren’t prepared over a decade ago when Katie and her then husband Peter Andre delivered a whole new world of talent. Haters will still say this was auto-tuned.
Welcome back to the world of music, Katie! Ears have missed you (but Adele, Celine Dion and Barbra Streisand haven’t, because they have to file for unemployment now).
And here’s Katie “Putting Adele Out Of A Job” Price at Royal Ascot today:
John Travolta’s wig tamers better Super Glue, Gorilla Glue, and cement glue his hair to his head, because Kevin Spacey is trying to snatch that shit and take the crown. Nobody can beat John Travolta’s flawless man wig game, but Kevin is giving him a run for his lace front.
At today’s London premiere of Baby Driver(and, I’m still fucking pissed it’s not a Latarian Milton biopic), Kevin Spacey worked that rug on his head and he didn’t even care that the hawks flying above were seconds away from swooping in after mistaking it for a squirrel in distress. Kevin also worked it for the cameras even though his makeup person did him wrong by not blending his face paint all the way. Kevin didn’t only wear the best hair at the Baby Driver premiere, he also wore the best ensemble.
Kevin’s co-stars (Jon Hamm, Ansel Elgort, Jamie Foxx, Lily James and Eiza Gonzalez) all wore stuffy outfits from the House of Boring, while Kevin went full mid-life crisis daddy chic. It looks like his twink friends (or the new Ken dolls) took him to Macy’s and gave him a totally hip and fresh makeover. That IS the look. And I bet that at the after-party for Baby Driver, Kevin went up to Ansel and Lily at the bar and said, “Issa ’bout to be savage ay eff tonight, sis!”
If you’ve been following the making of Ryan Murphy’s latest bewigged dramatic extravaganza, The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, then you’ve probably already seen Darren Criss (Andrew Cunan), Edgar Ramirez (Gianni Versace), Penelope Cruz (Donatella Versace) and Ricky Martin (Gianni’s partner Antonio D’Amico) in character. But Entertainment Weekly got the first official picture of all of them together. That cover is a tacky, opulent 90s fever dream of Day-Glo messiness, and yes I’m going to force my family to recreate it for our 2017 Christmas card, and we don’t even do family Christmas cards! And yes, hair will be pulled and faces will be scratched as we fight over who gets to be the “Donatella.”
ACS’ Versace season, which doesn’t start airing on FX until early next year, is based on the book Vulgar Favors by Maureen Orth. I read Vulgar Favors and Maureen barely writes about Donatella, so I’m not totally sure why she’s a huge character in ACS, but I’m not going to complain. I really want to start off 2018 but taking in the sight and sounds of Penelope Cruz throwing a glass of champagne at a minion while cursing at them in Italian with a Spanish accent. I still don’t even care that the popped pimple on my right nip looks more like Donatella than Penelope does. She looks more like a pissed off and miniaturized Holly Madison.
And well, even if the second season of ACS turns out to be a mess, at least there will be a scene where a Versayce speedo-wearing Ricky Martin rubs his nipples all over Edgar Ramirez. I hope there is. Ryan Murphy, don’t let me (or my loins) down!
In London right now, it’s apparently hotter and wetter than a b-hole exposed to shirtless pictures of Prince Hot Ginge. So a waterfall of sweat may be pouring out of your armpits just from looking at Prince William and Duchess Kate in stuffy clothes at Royal Ascot today, but fear not. I’m sure they wore frozen bloomers and nipple pasties, and mini air conditioning units were hiding under their hats. And if one droplet of sweat formed on their royal foreheads, the race would’ve been put on hold, and as the horses and jockeys slowly died of heatstroke while waiting on the track, Prince William and Duchess Kate would’ve cooled off in an air conditioned tent. So don’t sweat for them!
Today was day two of the Royal Ascot horse races and it brought out THE QUEEN and the royals who don’t really matter (read: the royals not named Prince Hot Ginge). Prince William and Duchess Kate wore stunning ensembles borrowed from a low-budget community theater production of My Fair Lady, and I’d like to think that at one point, DK screamed, “Move your bloomin’ arse,” at the horse she bet on.
Whenever I think of Royal Ascot, I think of Ladies Day (aka Refined Blossoms Day), so I was hoping to see pictures of a drunken Duchess Kate humping a trash can as a drunken THE QUEEN spanked her with a pocketbook. The closest I got to that was Duchess Kate nearly grabbing the Countess of Wessex’s chichis to stop her from falling.
Around this time last year, the completely natural and real couple of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddlestonspread their organic love throughout Europe while keeping the paps working overtime. This year, it was the completely natural and real couple of JLo and A-Rod’s turn to graciously help out the paparazzi industry by leading them through France.
J-Rod started off their trip to France on a yacht in Nice (because what’s the point of doing a photo-op couples tour if you’re not going to give the paps at least one swimsuit shot) and they ended in Paris where they decided to really spice up a photo-op by bringing in props! J-Rod’s couples photo-op choreographer gave them matching ice cream cone props J-Rod spontaneously bought ice cream cones and worked it for the paps while looking so in love. That picture above clearly shows who’s the pro and who’s the amateur. JLo is striking a perfect JCPenney catalog pose for the paps and knows not to completely eat the prop, while amateur ass A-Rod is eating the prop!
Every pro pap poser knows that you’re not supposed to completely devour the ice cream prop. A half-eaten ice cream cone looks ugly in pictures! You’re supposed to sensually lick it like it’s your lover’s down-low part. But in A-Rod’s defense, JLo eventually went in on her ice cream cone too (see: first picture in the gallery below). If the old rumor about steroid use is actually true, then JLo probably just wanted a mouthful of something for a change.
Dwayne Johnson had his best girls by his side as he celebrated Father’s Day on Sunday. The actor shared two sweet posts on Instagram as he gushed about being a proud dad to 15-year-old Simone, whom he shares with his ex Dany Garcia, and 1-year-old Jasmine, whom he shares with longtime girlfriend Lauren Hashian. «As busy and complex as my life is, these simple core moments with my ohana will always be my anchor for balance and gratitude,» he captioned a shot of him with Jasmine propped on his shoulders. While we can’t get over how big his little girl is getting, it’s his lengthy post to his eldest daughter that will really bring a tear to your eye.
Even though it was his special day, he couldn’t help but gush about how inspiring his daughter is. «I’m so proud to call her my daughter and so grateful that my influence as the #1 man in her life (for now) are two fundamental things that can take her and any young girl or boy far in this world . . . hard work and kindness,» he wrote. «She also bad ass with the most razor edge, wicked sense of humor, so you know I’m proud this apple didn’t fall far from the tree.» So cute! We always love seeing Dwayne’s beautiful blended family.