Pajiba 10 For Your Consideration: Justin Theroux

There are times for eloquent prose, spirited debates, or extensive dialogue. This is not one of those times. This is a time for a single gif. The King of All Gifs, if you will. Maybe some photos as well. But mostly just the gif.

BEHOLD YE MORTALS, YE LESSER BEINGS, AND WEEP AT YOUR MEDIOCRITY:
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OK. Fine. Some background. You might remember him from Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion or Zoolander or Alias, or Parks and Recreation, or The Girl on the Train. Oh, right, also The Leftovers. And lots of other things. But you’re not even reading this, are you? I don’t blame you.

Hey boo, haaayyy:
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He is very good at itching his neck after a haircut:
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He can rock a leather jacket like the baddest motherfucker in town:
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He’s an expert doggo snuggler:
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He’s proficient in the use of, uhm, let’s go with exercise equipment:
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He’s also an expert lounger:
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He does damn fine Bond cosplay:
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He’ll pull you up when you are down, girl:
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He is the perfect representation of TDH (tall, dark, and handsome):
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Once more, from a different angle, because I love you and want you to have nice things:
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Ursula lives in Chicago and likes potatoes very much. You can follow her here.

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Pajiba 10 For Your Consideration: Socialism

I look around I look around and I see this year’s Pajiba 10 already brimming with quite ridiculous levels of lion-moistening hotness. The wit and fire of Briga Heelan; the inhuman smoulder of Jason Momoa—what could I possibly be asking you to consider placing alongside those?

Motherfucking socialism, that’s what, son!

Now, I know what you’re thinking, or I can at least take an educated guess. It’ll be something along the lines of:

‘What’re you on about, Knava? The Pajiba 10 is a ritual objectification of celebrities, not abstract political concepts. Why do you defile the ritual, you commie infiltrator?!’

Fair point, well made. But really, this contest is all about desirability. And I don’t know if you noticed, but socialism? She’s like so hot right now. Everybody wants to be seen with her. Because after four decades of the tightening noose of neoliberalism Western societies are realising that perhaps the line we have been sold about the necessity of deregulation and the primacy of capital is actually just a steaming pile of Kushner. The public are waking up, and they are angry and horny for change.

Look: The United States of America got so sick with neoliberal fever that it got to a point that a racist and misogynistic clown businessman ended up as its supreme leader. The French saw off a rising neo-fascist infection, albeit by electing to stick a neoliberal band-aid on a gangrenous foot and hoping that that would solve the underlying problem. It won’t. And over here in Britain, a brief temperature check shows us that the body’s white blood cells are rapidly, though belatedly, kicking into action in an effort to reverse the worse of the damage that has been done.

Socialism is the hot nurse making sure you’re okay as you wake up in the bed, confused and disoriented. You have been out for years; dozing under the Grima Wormtongue-like spell of Milton Freedman. She has the cure for what ails you. I’ve been calling her ‘she’, but that’s just for ease of writing; socialism has no one gender. It is, as a matter of fact, of all genders, because it is all of us. You remember how hot that Sense8 orgy shit was?

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No barriers of colour, sex, gender, creed, religion, or sexuality; just a desire to look out for others and to make sure that they’re ok—mmm, socialism.

Representative, progressive taxation designed to fund national infrastructure that is used to give everyone a fair shot, no matter what their initial station in life?

Mmm, socialism.

Free, universal education and healthcare ensuring that no one is left wanting for two of the most fundamental needs in this world?

Mmm, socialism.

A unionised workforce granting its constituent members the power of collective bargaining in its dealings with the bosses and making sure that those whose labour creates wealth actually get to reap the benefits of it?

Mmm, socialism.

A non-imperialist foreign policy built around dialogue and mutual co-operation?

Mmm, socialism.

A deep and instinctive, policy-backed understanding that a true measure of a society is how it treats its weakest and most vulnerable and that the strongest and most powerful should be expected to pay their fair share?

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, goddamn socialism.

I’m sorry, I’m getting all hot an bothered over here. As they say around these parts: I’ll be in my bunk.

——

Petr Knava lives in London and plays music

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Pajiba 10 For Your Consideration: Jason Momoa

If a picture is worth a thousand words, get ready for the sexiest goddamned novel you’ll ever read.

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Jason Momoa will soon make ladies swoon and fish fight evil when he appears in Justice League this fall. After that, he’ll get his own Aquaman movie and, Cthulu willing, a plethora of additional movies.

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I know that I was first introduced to the perfection of Momoa when he portrayed Khal Drogo on the first season of Game of Thrones. His body, his intensity, and his smoldering looks were more than enough to send me off to Google.

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There I would learn that he had appeared on Baywatch and that he is married to the very lucky Lisa Bonet.

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He’s directed short films and the most recent one is a sweet love letter to fatherhood.

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Here is the first short film:

Seriously, if Momoa doesn’t do it for you, there’s nothing else I can say. I can, however, bombard you with photos to change the tingle in your pants.

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Pajiba 10 For Your Consideration: Briga Heelan

Today we begin the most wonderful season of the year, a time when Pajiba’s feminist hug box gets randy, when we stop respecting our celebrities and we start objectifying them. But as it is the Pajiba way, so often our respect (boo!) for certain celebrities goes hand-in-hand with our objectification.

Briefly, for the unfamiliar: The Pajiba 10 — now entering its 11th year — is our annual «Hotties» list, although our criteria generally differs from what you might expect from most publications. There are no George Clooneys or Brad Pitts on our list (although, a Chris does surface from time to time); rather, our sexual predilections lean toward the geeky and brilliant. Tina Fey, for instance, is a Hall of Fame member. John Oliver placed atop our list a couple of years back. We often see the likes of Sam Bee, John Cho, Samira Wiley, Rahul Kohli, Lin-Manuel Miranda, David Tennant, or Jessica Williams.

Voting is done entirely by our readership. Voting will begin in less than two weeks. Leading up to the votes, however, the staff does enjoy putting together For Your Consideration posts, which you’ll be seeing a lot of over the next two weeks, as we attempt to influence your vote.

Today, we kick off things with an FYC for Briga Heelan, currently the star of an under-the-radar NBC sitcom, Great News, which comes from producers Tina Fey and Robert Carlock and creator Tracey Wigfield, a 30 Rock protege who also worked on The Mindy Project. Great News, loosely based the relationship between Wigfield and her own mom, takes place behind the scenes of a struggling cable news show, and has a lot in common with the comic sensibility of 30 Rock. Some of you may remember that 30 Rock didn’t have a great first season before it found its legs in the second season; Great News had a better first season, which speaks to the boundless possibilities of the sitcom in its second season and beyond. It’s very good, and it may very well help resurrect NBC’s sitcom fortunes.

Much of the appeal is in its lead, Briga Heelan. She is warm, acerbic, funny, and absolutely gorgeous. She first came to my attention several years ago on Cougar Town as Holly, the one-time lover of Grayson and the mother of their child together, Tampa.

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Clearly, Cougar Town exec producer Bill Lawrence took a liking to Heelan, because he made her the co-lead in another under-the-radar sitcom called Ground Floor, a terrific little show that helped TBS launch a series of increasingly excellent original sitcoms.

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She attended the Walnut School for the Arts (Hey! I have a friend who runs their music program!) and, briefly, the Cincinnati Conservatory of Music, so she can sing, too, which she illustrated on Ground Floor with her co-star Skylar Astin (Pitch Perfect) in a really sweet scene in the Anna Camp episode:

Lawrence liked her so much that Heelan also pulled double duty, playing a recurring role in Lawrence’s NBC sitcom, Undateable, which was mostly unwatchable except when Briga Heelan was around.

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Heelan has also made appearances on Pajiba favorites Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and Happy Endings, as well as an arc on the second season of Netflix’s Love (I didn’t care for the first season, but knowing that Heelan is in the second means that I will eventually force myself to watch).

Heelan is also married to her Ground Floor co-star Rene Gube. They’re adorable.

The name Briga, by the way, apparently comes from a pagan Celtic goddess, which sounds about right:

Pajiba

A Pajiba Guide: How To Make Jokes About Chicago

My fair city has, in recent days, become the butt of two very different jokes. One was told by Timothy Simons aka Rep. Jonah Ryan from Veep aka Jizzy Gillespie aka Benedict Cum-In-His-Own-Hand aka Jack and the Giant Jackoff aka One Erection. The other was told by father of a dog murderer Mike Huckabee. One was perfectly balanced between self-deprecation and gentle ribbing, and the other was told by Mike Huckabee. Who, let’s all remember, isn’t funny. Let’s discuss the Do’s and Don’ts.

Do Try To Be At Least Tangentially Related To Chicago
Were you born in Chicago or the surrounding suburbs? Did you move here to attend one of our stellar universities? Did you come here after college to try your hand at improv at Second City? Do you come to Chicago regularly for business maybe specifically to film your wildly underrated dramedy set here? I’m talking about you, Jeremy Allen White and the cast of Shameless. Feel free to crack wise about the Windy City whenever you like.

Don’t Make Jokes At The Expense Of People And Communities Suffering From Gun Violence In Order To Score Some Cheap Political Points On A Person Who Is Now A Private Citizen Especially When Your Son Is A Dog Murderer And The Whole Internet Remembers That

Do Make Fun Of Our Bars
Listen, Chicago has a nearly overwhelming number of fantastic bars. High-end fancy pants bars, low-key beer meccas, comfy neighborhood taverns, neighborhood taverns that seem to be just stepping a toe into sketchy territory, gross neighborhood taverns that you really shouldn’t go to after you turn 25 because the last time you went there both toilets were so overflowed you literally had to pee on the floor yes, I’m talking about you, Carol’s Pub. But we’ve also got some super horrible bars. Let Timothy Simons tell you about one of the all time worst: Joe’s On Weed (at the 5:20 mark (such a shame, right? If only they’d gotten to this story a minute sooner (I’m talking about 4:20, got it? Haha! 4:20, yo!)))

Now, technically, the bar is called Joe’s Bar on Weed Street, but you get the idea. It’s the kind of place that has at least three dozen big screen TVs so you can watch all of the games, but fake black leather and exposed industrial features in case you need to go from sports bar to rave in sixty seconds flat. It’s the kind of place that charges $ 17 for a pitcher of Bud Light. It’s the kind of place that, if your absolute favorite band were playing a secret show at Joe’s on Weed for only fifty of their biggest fans, you’d think twice about going because you don’t want to have to tell people you’re going to «Joe’s on Weed.» It’s the kind of place that has rooftop seating so you can enjoy the view of the parking garage next door. No really.

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For fuck sake, it’s the kind of place that calls itself «Joe’s on Weed.» As a person who is actually fond of Joes, weed, and Joes being on weed, even I crinkle my nose at the lameness of it. The Pointless Giant is right. It’s a truly horrible bar, and definitely deserves to be mocked.

Don’t Make Jokes At The Expensive Of People And Communities Suffering From Gun Violence In Order To Score Some Cheap Political Points On A Person Who Is Now A Private Citizen Especially When Your Son Is A Dog Murderer And The Whole Internet Remembers That

Do Make Fun Of Our Fratty-ness.
Listen, Chicago has a lot going for it. Theater, museums, dining, architecture, culture just coming out our butts. But we’re very fratty. We’re the «city» for seven or so surrounding states, and that’s a lot of fratty colleges. Not to mention the homegrown behemoth that is the University of Illinois’ Greek system. It’s ok to mock us for our baseball caps and cargo shorts. We still think it’s better than Brooklyn.

Don’t Make Jokes At The Expensive Of People And Communities Suffering From Gun Violence In Order To Score Some Cheap Political Points On A Person Who Is Now A Private Citizen Especially When Your Son Is A Dog Murderer And The Whole Internet Remembers That

Do Try To Make Fun Of Yourself While Roasting Us
Simons is clearly not that much like his character, because he understood only making fun of Joe’s on Weed, however terrible a bar it might be, isn’t that funny. His inability to control the riot? Funny. His decision to fuck it all, and join the mayhem? This is what some in the industry would refer to as «an actual funny story.» Well done.

Don’t Make Jokes At The Expensive Of People And Communities Suffering From Gun Violence In Order To Score Some Cheap Political Points On A Person Who Is Now A Private Citizen Especially When Your Son Is A Dog Murderer And THE WHOLE INTERNET REMEMBERS THAT! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, HUCKABEE? REMEMBER HOW A SHITTON OF THE VICTIMS OF GUN VIOLENCE IN CHICAGO ARE CHILDREN? YOU THINK THAT’S A FUCKING JOKE? IS THIS HOW «CHRISTIANS» BEHAVE, YOU SOULLESS FUCK? YOU RIDICULED THE DEPLORABLE CONDITIONS WE’VE ALLOWED TO TAKE HOLD IN A MAJOR U.S. CITY SO THAT YOU CAN MAKE A CRACK ABOUT SOMETHING HILLARY FUCKING CLINTON SAID? WHEN YOUR FUCKING WASTE OF A SON STRAIGHT UP MURDERED A DOG? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO REMIND PEOPLE OF VIOLENCE WHEN A THREE-SECOND GOOGLE SEARCH CAN LINK YOUR SHITTY ASS FAMILY TO A CRIME USUALLY COMMITTED BY SERIAL KILLERS? YOU COMPASSIONLESS SHIT. FUCK OFF FOREVER, AND TAKE YOUR SELL-OUT FUCKING DAUGHTER WITH YOU. DICK.

So yeah, seriously, don’t do that.

Pajiba

A Pajiba Guide to Mother’s Day Gifts

Mother’s Day is this Sunday and those of you that celebrate may be looking for a last minute gift for her. I’m all about helping, so I’ve compiled a list of mom-friendly presents that won’t get you dropped out of the will.

Alien Overmorph Egg Cookie Jar

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Captain Marvel Sash Purse

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Deadpool Tacos and Roses Dress

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POP! HEROES: ARKHAM KNIGHT — HARLEY QUINN

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Beer (Knava Face While Drinking Optional)

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Wine (Fanciness NOT OPTIONAL)

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Food (Dog Can GTFO)

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Mass Effect Andromeda (PANTS OPTIONAL)

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Pajiba

May the Fourth be With You: A Very Pajiba Happy Star Wars Day

Today is the fourth of May, and so we, as proper nerds, celebrate the nerdiest day on the nerd calendar. Happy Star Wars day everyone, May the Fourth (be with you).

For longer than most of us have been alive this has been the foundation of our science fiction, the well that we return to again and again. And so we have to toast everything that it has given us, all the dreams of the future, all the staggering adventure, all the hope made manifest in ships that danced among the stars.

To its humble beginnings, when it made us dream with cardboard sets.

To its original trilogy, that introduced so many of us to the idea that science fiction could be everything film should be in the seventies and eighties.

To teaching a generation of us what Roman numerals were, and that episodes IV, V, and VI were our favorite.

To having the will and desire to try to bring a different generation to the silver screen in the same universe.

And yes, even to the ones in the nineties that are best now forgotten, that ripped the franchise off the big screen for two decades.

To the creator whose vision made it all possible even if he hung on too long when a new generation wanted to make that universe their own.

To J.J. Abrams, bringing a fan’s love to finally bringing the franchise back to the big screen.

Even if some of us felt the follow up failed in its promise of a dark story, decidedly failing to live up to its promises of gender progressivism.

To overthinking what exactly was living in the trash compactor.

To building a universe of incredible diversity and progressivism that has been a force of goodness and hope these last decades.

Today is for you Star Wars fans. May you be one with the Fourth, and May the Fourth be with you.

Pajiba

Pajiba Answers: ‘Should I Track Down The One Who Got Away?’

As our long running series shows, Pajiba wants to help you become the best «you» you can be. And as such, sometimes we like to help you answer important questions. Today’s important question: should I track down The One Who Got Away? Let’s investigate.

No. Don’t do that.

Now let’s talk about why you shouldn’t do that. For starters, we need to clarify this idea of «The One Who Got Away.» This is not the same as looking up your high school sweetheart on Facebook, and seeing what they’ve been up to. Nor is this a case of emailing an old flame to see if they want to catch up. The One Who Got Away is a very specific, mostly made up figure. It’s the person who you are sure you were destined to be with, but a tragic twist of fate means that destiny wasn’t fulfilled. And now, in order to set the scales of the universe right, you have to find a way to follow through on that love. It’s the plot of Serendipity basically, and Serendipity is garbage. So before anyone runs off to let that guy at the library know that the two of you are destined to be together, you might want to keep a few things in mind. Like:

The One Who Got Away Probably Doesn’t Remember You
There was a guy I went on a few dates with back in college, and then things kind of fizzled out (I think these days the kids would say I got ghosted, but at the time I chalked it up to finals/drink specials). But I always remembered him fondly. A couple of years after college, I randomly ran into him at a party and greeted him warmly. He did not remember me. And the thing is, he was totally right. I remembered him fondly because the «break-up» was largely uneventful, and for my 19-year-old mess of a self, that equaled success. Only it was not at all a success. It was, as stated, a non-event.

So before you go knocking on any doors, whether physical or otherwise, really consider the person you are grand gesturing. Did you really have a significant enough relationship that they would know who you are? Did they give any indication at the time that they wanted to be in a romantic relationship with you? Do you have any reason to believe they’d like to be in a romantic relationship with someone like you now, i.e. does their sexual identity match up with yours, are they actively looking for a romantic relationship, are they otherwise engaged in a romantic relationship? And bear in mind that when you contact the object of your fated affection . . .

You’re Invalidating Large Parts Of Their Life

This is the biggest difference between The One Who Got Away and Hey, I Wonder What That Guy’s Up To? HIWWTGUT (Shonda Rhimes other best show) is about having someone from your past with whom you’d like to reconnect either long-term or as a one-off lunch. It’s about acknowledging the distance in a once close relationship, and seeing if both parties are interested in rebuilding the relationship. TOWGA is saying, «We were supposed to be together, but fate itself was derailed, and cannot be put right until we fall in love again.» Or «Everything you’ve experienced in the past 20 or so years has been part of fate’s big fuck up. Your life isn’t what it’s supposed to be.»

Yeah, you can see why most people wouldn’t be thrilled about that. And no, there isn’t a way to not invalidate TOWGA’s life. By identifying them as The One, you’re stating that whatever life they’ve lived wasn’t what it was supposed to be. Did you have relationships, marriages, kids, jobs, friends, miscellaneous other meaningful events? They can get fucked because you were supposed to be with me.

«But, Emily,» you say in the imaginary conversation I’m using as a rhetorical device, «maybe they just mean that they always regretted not trying harder for a relationship with The One Who Got Away. They should have tried harder or been a better partner or not screwed up as much.» Sure, fine, that’s what they mean. But why do they wish that they’d tried harder, been better etc.? Is it because then they would have stayed with TOWGA all these years? They wouldn’t have wasted decades not being together? The lives they lived would have been better and more meaningful because they’d have been together? Is there any way to frame the idea of «The fate/ God/ the universe itself took a giant shit on us when it forced us apart, but now we’re getting our lives back on track by being together» without also shitting on the lives they’ve had? None of which really matters because . . .

You’re Definitely Not In Love With That Person
I take a rather hard stance on what I believe to be genuine love. Namely, I require that people who claim to be in love with someone have had a conversation with them within the past two decades. Which is why Hey, I Wonder What That Guy’s Up To is acceptable, and The One Who Got Away is not. HIWWTGUT acknowledges that two people had a connection, and wants to see if it will work again. TOWGA states unequivocally that they are in love, and know they are meant to be.

Only you don’t know them.

If it’s been any significant period of time (and almost by definition of TOWGA it has to be), the person you believe to be The One has changed, and changed in ways that can’t be tracked on social media. They might not have changed significantly, but there will be some difference. Or maybe they haven’t actually changed, and you’re remembering your time through rose-colored glasses. Or you’ve built them up in your memories as smarter/funnier/cooler than they ever were. Or maybe you knew that person in your early twenties, and all of the memories of them are booze-tinged. Or maybe you knew that person in your early thirties, and all of the memories of them are booze-tinged. Or maybe you knew that person in your late thirties, and all of the memories of them are booze-tinged. Maybe I need to find more activities that don’t involve booze. Who knows? The real point is that without recent, meaningful contact with The One, you can’t say you’re in love with that person. You’re in love with an idea.

So what’s the final conclusion? Should you make a grand romantic gesture to let someone from your past know they’re The One Who Got Away? Or as it should be properly framed: Should I contact the person who represents the idea of a perfect partner to invalidate their life choices despite the fact that they probably don’t feel the same way, and possibly don’t even remember me? If you can’t answer that one yourself, even Pajiba can’t help you.

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Pajiba Menu Challenge Round Two — Vote Now!

Well round one is in the books. It was a real humdinger.

In most cases, one menu won fairly convincingly over their opponent, with the exception of two real nail-biters:

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Victoria eeks out a close one over Hannah and Seth ‘bests’ TK by less than ten votes. If I wasn’t running this bad boy myself I’d absolutely call bullshit on that result because TK is a mensch and Seth is a talking Horcrux from planet Asshole. That and I got a little deja-vu acid-reflux from seeing the fucking red team win a vote it shouldn’t have.

But alas, the results are valid, even if we all know in our hearts that they’re wrong. Half the field has been eliminated and then there were sixteen.

Here’s the Overlord Bracket: (tip: you can click and drag to move the image around)

Aaaand here’s the Eloquents Bracket:

Wherever possible I’ve added new videos to the submissions. For my money, this is the championship week for the Overlords: Rebecca’s Shopsin’s vs. Jamie’s Biscuit Head? Whoever wins that might just steamroll to the finals. On the Eloquent’s side, some really strong contenders are going to make it tough to choose. But we roll on. Ever more determined. Ever hungrier.

As a reminder, the criteria is: what percentage of the items on this menu interest me?

One more reminder: There’s a direct link below, but if you use the embedded form, remember that there’s a scroll bar on the right.

Okay then! Let’s play the Feud!

DIRECT LINK

Follow Lord Castleton on Twitter

Did you know that you can make ANY shirt at The Pajiba Store? Just pick a shirt you like and UPLOAD YOUR OWN DESIGN. We still get a bump for every shirt you make, even if it’s not Pajiba-specific.

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The Pajiba One Page Menu Challenge: Vote Now!

It’s time to vote!

The criteria: Basically the #1 thing should be what percentage of the items on this menu interest me?

There’s no way to tell how this will shake out. There are so many great places, it’s hard to keep track.

There are 16 Overlords menus and 16 Eloquents.

For those who submitted but weren’t selected, it had much more to do with whether or not your image showed up than anything else. All the submissions were fantastic.

Good luck to all!

(The interface is a GOOGLE FORM — SO WHEN IN DOUBT, NOTICE THAT THERE’S A SCROLL BAR ON THE SIDE)

Follow Lord Castleton on Twitter

Did you know that you can make ANY shirt at The Pajiba Store? Just pick a shirt you like and UPLOAD YOUR OWN DESIGN. We still get a bump for every shirt you make, even if it’s not Pajiba-specific.

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