Open Post: Hosted By Dacre Montgomery From “Stranger Things” Getting A Spray Tan

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Dacre Montgomery (pronounced Day-ker),) is the hard-bodied Australian actor who plays the wackjob bully with the ASTOUNDING wig on Stranger Things S2. (That wig should be in the credits. It should probably come before Winona Ryder.) A makeup artist on the show posted this video on Instagram of her giving Dacre’s chest a little color. For those of you who are thirsty and into sinewy types with mullets, this fap’s for you.

Hornet:

In her Instagram post — which has now been viewed over 6.2 million times — Hindsgaul mentions that Montgomery’s abs are real. You can also tell from the curve in his jeans that he has a nice butt too — just sayin’.

Personally, he’s such a prick on the show that I spend too much time wanting his character to die to notice his bod. I’m such a liar – I totally notice his bod. As if anything short of a funeral would cause me to stop being thirsty. And it would probably have to be the funeral of a family member or friend. Maybe not even then. *sad-face* Watch the vid below.

Pic: Instagram

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Open Post: Hosted By The Judges Of “The Voice Of Germany” Having A “Who?” Moment While Watching Rita Ora Audition

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Question mark’s favorite singer Rita Ora went on The Voice of Germany to push her second album, which will be released the day after never exclusively in Neverland, and the producers thought it would be a real cute gimmick for her to do a blind audition. The audition was so blind that even when the judges took off their blindfolds (read: turned their chairs around), they still didn’t know who the hell they were looking at. ONTD posted this clip and said, “Even after turning around, the judges didn’t seem to recognize her.” I thought they were exaggerating, but then I watched the clip and a couple of judges do give the same confused face my dad would give me if I ran up to him today and said, “Dad! It’s me, your son Michael!”

While wearing a red fringe curtain and hot ho stroll boots, Rita sang “Your Song,” and it didn’t take long for all of the judges (Samu Haber, Yvonne Catterfeld, Michi Beck & Smudo and Mark Forster) to turn around. The producers were probably expecting the judges to turn around and violently shake before passing out from inhaling the hot and powerful fumes shooting off of a scorching A-list STAH! But when they turned around, they looked like Trump whenever he’s told that his daughter Tiffany is on the line. They gave off, “I don’t know her,” vibes.

Those judges should be ashamed of themselves. They are supposed to be music industry experts and so they should know a worldwide singing sensation like Rita Ora! At least one judge seemed to know who she is. And the audience gave Rita the respect she deserves by standing, and not only because of a bright blinking sign in front of them that read: Stand Up And Pretend Like You Know Who That Is.

In case you can’t watch that video, here’s the face that Nancy Kerrigan’s twin sister made when she watched Rita. It looks like the word “Who?” is forming on her tongue.

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And here’s the confused faces the dude duo made:

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One of the judges tried to play it off like he thought a Rita Ora impersonator was auditioning. Nice try, bitch, but how can Rita Ora impersonators exist when nobody knows who she is in the first place. But seriously, Rita should’ve auditioned for real so she can get a better record deal.

And here’s the most recognizable star in Germany at the Bambi Awards in Berlin last night:

Pics: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By A Headless Praying Mantis Sexing On Another Praying Mantis

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Add “a headless zombie praying mantis” to the list of tricks that are getting more ass than me.

Everybody knows that sometimes a lady praying mantis gets into some horrific 8mm shit by killing and eating their male fuck partner during sex. But both Gizmodo and highly-esteemed scientific journal The Daily Mail have posted a video of a dude praying mantis still giving his lady that praying mantis dick after she bit his head off. And I’m sharing the video with you, because we’re friends and I wouldn’t be a friend if I didn’t show you a video of a lady praying mantis doing sex to a dead body. Although, this video isn’t the worst thing I saw yesterday. That award goes to the latest episode of the Dynasty reboot.

Deep Look, a science series from PBS, says that lady praying mantises are much bigger and stronger than the dude ones, and they don’t partake in cannibalism because they’re the Jeffrey Dahmer of insects. They do it, because being knocked up with so many eggs takes a lot out of them, and eating another praying mantis gives them strength. The ladies are also able to produce twice the amount of eggs if they eat the dude. Also, praying mantises rarely make it through the winter, so the dudes don’t have much to lose. Some of them might figure that they’re going to go to Jesus soon anyway, so they may as well try to bust a nut even if it means getting eaten (and not in a sexy way).  And as shown in the video below, the dude can sometimes keep boning even if he’s got no head. This brings new meaning to the phrase “fuck your brains out.

At around the 3:00 mark, a lady praying mantis bites off the dude praying mantis’ head and he keeps doing her. The Deep Look narrator says that because of the nerves in his stomach, he can still get the job done. The next time a trick can’t get it up, because he’s drunk or whatever, show him this video. A dude praying mantis can still do it even without a head on, so there’s no excuse!

And I bet that dude praying mantis wishes that the lady would finish their sex-making session by giving him head. No need to reach for the GONG, I’m exiting stage left on my own.

Pic: YouTube

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Open Post: Hosted By A 6-Pound Unicorn Castle Bath Bomb

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When I heard about a 6-pound bath bomb, I immediately wondered what in every item on Taco Bell’s menu HELL did that child eat, and I also said a prayer for the parents who had to clean that tub up. But even though this 6-pound bath bomb will leave your bathtub looking a mess, it didn’t come out of anyone’s ass. (Actually, it may have come out of Lisa Frank’s ass.)

The game of bath bomb making has become a competitive one, and I’m sure one company will soon make a bath bomb that’s so big it needs to be brought into your bathroom with a forklift. But until then, a site called Dollar Bath Bombs (which is probably the homepage of every Pumpkin Spice Latte-drinking UGG wearer) owns the game with their ridiculously huge unicorn castle bath bomb. That looks like what would happen if She-Ra bought Castle Grayskull and gave it a much-needed “drab to fab” renovation.

As Allure points out, you can’t buy this cotton candy-scented monster from Dollar Bath Bomb. They did a promo contest where every day for a week they gave away a set of two to people who really want their tub to look like Mariah Carey sharted in it, and also have room in their bathroom cabinets for giant shit like this:

🏰 GIVEAWAY! We're giving away TWO (one for you, one for your friend) limited edition Bath Bomb Castles EVERY DAY for 7 days! Enter now using the link in bio! This majestic monster weighs over 5 pounds and is cotton candy scented. Tell your friends to enter this giveaway too because each winner will be sent TWO castles (one for you and one for your friend) #sharingiscaring This promotion is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with Instagram. You understand that you are providing your information to the owner of this Instagram account and not to Instagram. By entering this giveaway, you agree to a complete release of Instagram from any or all liability in connection with this giveaway. #dollarbathbombs #bathbomb #bathbombs #bathart #bath #bathfun #bathtime #bathfizzy #bathtub #bathing #giveaway #giveaways #selfcare #metime #cottoncandy

A post shared by Dollar Bath Bombs (@dollarbathbombs) on

I’m too impatient to take baths, but I really want to dive into those mega gay waters. All that’s missing is a Celine Dion soundtrack, a plastic flute of sparkling pink wine and a Mermaid Ken doll, and it’d be the ultimate gay bathtime experience.

Pic: Dollar Bath Bombs

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Open Post: Hosted By Iman Working The Hell Out Of A Glamorous Purple Ruffled Alien Growth

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The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.

Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.

Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By The Jolly F-Bomb A Burglar Drops Into Paddington Bear’s Ear

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Giant British retailer Marks & Spencer put out their holiday ad last week, and yeah, bitches are late. Most major department stores have been hustling for holiday money when it was still “coochie cutters and crop tops” weather. But in their holiday ad, they bring together Paddington Bear and the burglar whose Christmas is ruined by that annoying do-gooder in a duffel coat.

The ad starts out with Paddington’s tip getting moist while having Christmas Eve dreams about marmalade. He’s then woken up by another bear. The other bear is out stealing Christmas presents when Paddington knocks him out by opening a window and mistakes the criminal thief for Santa. Paddington is either a master pretender or dumber than a dried dingle. The real Santa would never even think of using a box of Just For Men to sloppily half-dye his glorious white beard, and he wouldn’t be caught dead in jeans and a dreadful Land’s End windbreaker.

Paddington insists on helping Santa “deliver” presents, and the two go around town, returning the presents the robber stole. Eventually the robber feels the Christmas love and when Paddington gives him a dry, basic, ugly sandwich, he hugs the bear. Now, the robber obviously says, “Thank you, little bear,” but some are hearing, “Fuck you, little bear.” At around the 1:10 mark:

Marks & Spencer tell Adweek that they’re not going to change the ad, because it’s clear that the robber says ,”Thank you, little bear.” The only thing this proves is that Marks & Spencer suck at realistic storytelling. That robber would never thank Paddington, and would most definitely tell the bear to fuck off. Now because of Paddington that robber has to go and re-steal all of those presents. He’s basically going to have to work overtime, and during the Christmas holiday, nonetheless. So selfish, that Paddington is.

Pic: YouTube

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Open Post: Hosted By The Hidden Valley Ranch Keg

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It’s like a prop from The Simpsons made its way into our reality. WNCN in North Carolina made unhealthy salad fans very happy this week when it reported on the Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing Keg. Why? How much salad or crudites are you serving at your party?!? Ok, breathe. It’s actually a mini-keg. But still…

For $ 50, you can order the 9.7 inches tall keg of Hidden Valley ranch on Flavourgallery.com.

The keg is 6.3 inches in diameter and holds up to five liters of ranch dressing.

The keg is also “specially coated to meet FDA standards” and comes with a YEAR’S supply of dressing. You can preorder the Hidden Valley keg today and they will be shipped starting on Dec 11. Alcoholics Fellow cheap beer drinkers like me will probably remember when some chain sports bars and restaurants started serving beer kegs and beer towers and yards of beer and it was a very exciting time. You didn’t have to wait for the waitress to swing by to get a refill. I guess this is the same idea, but it means you don’t have to drive to the Stop-n-Shop and drop $ 3? And you obviously can’t live without your ranch dressing. Er, ok. If they did this with bleu cheese dressing, now that’s a different story.

Pic: Flavour Gallery

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Open Post: Hosted By Salted Caramel Pepsi

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Thankfully, this is coming to us AFTER Halloween because you know what flavor they would have intro’ed before this one. High Snobiety unveiled the new salted caramel flavor of Pepsi. Who wanted this?

According to Pepsi, the drink “blends the refreshing taste of cola with a delicious caramel finish.” It uses slightly less sugar than a traditional Pepsi but makes it up with a syrupy combination of natural and artificial flavorings.

If salted caramel-flavored soda isn’t your thing (is it anybody’s?), Pepsi says that they’re already working on coming out with other “unorthodox” flavors. Let me guess – “Avocado Toast Pepsi?

My husband is a salted caramel fanatic. He says that he’d try it “once but that would probably be the last time.” He’s also the fella that tried that KFC sandwich where they used two pieces of chicken as the bread? My husband is America. They seriously neglected to re-introduce Crystal Pepsi in favor of this?

Pic: Pepsico (Oh, Joan Crawford!)

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Open Post: Hosted By Janet Jackson Keeping It Together Even Though There’s A Giant Goddamn Cleaver In Her Topknot

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You know you’re a professional diva when one of your jealous enemies tries to dim your beauty and moment by taking a motherfuckin’ cleaver to your head, and you don’t even blink. You turn that weapon into a look! Although, Janet’s face is so snatched that even if she wanted to blink from having a cleaver in her head, I don’t think she could.

Some Disney villainess’ closet is missing a club outfit today and that’s because Janet Jackson stole it and wore it to OUT Magazine #OUT100 gala in NYC last night. It looks like Miss Janet’s stylist threw every fabric found in the goth section at Mood onto her body before pushing her out onto that carpet. This is the perfect look to wear if you’re a warrior queen who by night fights vampires next to Kate Beckinsale in the Underworld universe, and by morning time travels back to 1996 to hit up the goth clubs.

And I don’t think Janet is going to have her live-in plastic surgeon remove that cleaver. That’s what her enemies want. She’s going to bedazzle that bitch with real diamonds and make it her signature look.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By Giving Us Millionaire Movie STAH At The Airport

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When us regulars are at the airport, we’re usually wearing sweats (or pajama jeans if you’re upper middle class and want the world to know it), an oversized hoodie, an ugly t-shirt and a glamorous neck pillow necklace. And we’re lugging around a carry-on bag that we had to overstuff with shit we pulled out of our checked-in luggage because we didn’t want to pay the stupid extra fee. But when millionaire movie stars go to the airport, they wear a casual travelin’ tuxedo and diamonds, and they don’t have to worry about spraining their delicate hands by carrying luggage. That’s why God gave hands to porters, assistants and bodyguards.

After landing at LAX yesterday, Catherine Zeta-Jones sashayed on through the airport while dressed like Carmen Sandiego going to a mobster’s nighttime funeral. That is a movie star, dahling! Because of those glasses and that hat, it looks like CZJ was in a “don’t look at me (but look at me” disguise, and I’m sure that as soon as the paps started snapping at her, she screamed, “Leave me alone! How on earth did you vultures recognize me, Oscar-winning film star, wife of Michael Douglas and QVC couture bedspread designer Catherine Zeta-Jones!?!

Bitchiness aside, CZJ should be wearing a disguise. I mean, she’s walking amongst the dirty, smelly peasants at a public airport. Shouldn’t she be at a private airport? How embarrassing! She must be going broke.

Pics: Wenn.com

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