Open Post: Hosted By Celine Dion Serving Paris A Heaping Dose Of WTF

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Chanel better shutter its windows in the Place Vendôme, Louis Vuitton can lock up on the Champs-Élysées, and Dior can certainly close its door. Why, you ask? Because Celine Dion’s reign over Paris continues, and she’s sucking all the glamour up for herself! Celine got tired of all the snotty Vogue writers blabbing about her on Instagram, so she decided to grace our souls with a visual performance.

Last week, I may have spoke too soon, because Queen Slay-line starts out rocking a Marie Antoinette weave. Then she hits the streets to show the City of Lights the “Best Singah In Da Wer-uld!” is THAT and so much more:

Celine looks like Miss Clavel after she just broke free from Madeline and those eleven other snotty brats at the Paris boarding house. She then wears the material from many a couch in Boca Raton, talks to the camera like she’s here to recreate Lemonade, high kicks, gyrates…basically everything short of scaling the Eiffel Tower, and I’m sure that’s only a matter of time!

Celine rocks shrink-wrap while breaking every health code in a kitchen. Or does she? It’s France! Her other Parisian lewks include one that has her looking like an extra from Memoirs Of A Geisha before transitioning into a matador (wrong countries, Celine!). She somehow winds up on a boat, cruising down the Seine, fucking her hat and biting off the face of a mannequin. Which I would also do if I spent all day in a corset. All in a couture day’s work!

On a TOTALLY unrelated note, all the Speed has mysteriously vanished from the drug dealers in Paris.

PicVogue

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Open Post: Hosted By Salma Hayek’s Wicked Game

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This tiddly-wink was linked last week, but has been picking up steam, so let’s have a closer look. Salma Hayek invited her Instagram followers to play a fun game of “Harpo, Who Dis Woman?” Salma posted a video she took of some celebs getting their various boogies on during a Katy Perry performance at the Met Ball.

Fans correctly guessed that the true star of the dance floor was none other than everybody’s favorite stone-faced runway adjacent diva, Anna Wintour. It seems years of secret Jazzercise classes have worked out well for Anna, because she exhibits an uncanny flexibility in the shoulders and knees. She reminds me of Joan Cusack from sixteen candles, who is my once and forever dance idol.

James Corden is the other mystery groove meister giving it the old heave-ho on the dance floor next to Anna. One question for James: Do you have a massive wedgie or what? His suspenders are hiked up nearly to his ears!

Pic: Instagram

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Open Post: Hosted By Charlize Theron As The “Cool” Teacher

'Atomic Blonde' World Premiere - Arrivals

Charlize Theron arrived to the Atomic Blonde premiere in Berlin last night, rocking a very expensive version of what Mary-Kay Letourneau wore back in the day while tutoring Vili Fualaau. People notes the Dior get-up is actually a white cotton “bralette” with a white leather mini skirt, complete with boning in the waist (teehee!).

The Atomic Blonde crew (pictured with Charlize are co-stars Til Schweiger and Sofia Boutella) went to Berlin, because the movie is apparently about all of the shifty crap that happened on the eve of the fall of the Berlin Wall. There’s really no better way to save West Germany than scaring off those repressed Soviets with your perky chi-chis and schnitzel!

The bra and mini skirt combo served as a reminder to all us lessers that Charlize is still hitting up Soul Cycle: with or without that Sister, Sister nobody!!!

Pic: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By The Humble Pussies Starring In A MDMA Haze Of A Music Video

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It’s not enough these days to just be an ordinary spinster cat lady sitting at home watching reruns of Diagnosis Murder with Mr. Whiskers (aka may favorite pastime). Until you at least give your felines their own Instagram, Tinder, and checking accounts, you may as well pass those things over to the ASPCA, because you have wronged those kitties!

A user on Reddit has uploaded a music video of her cats (one pictured above having the same reaction to beats that any rational child should) sending Selena Gomez to the backseat of braggadocious lyrics, as these cats dance and tweak the fuck out to 1980s hit “I’m So Beautiful” by drag legend Divine.

And beautiful they are! The purrty kitties bop around and try to make the best of a situation put around by their stage mom mother. Who can blame them if they dropped a little acid before lip synching for their feline lives: it’s how John Waters’ muse would have wanted to be honored!

Pic: Streamable

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Open Post: Hosted By A Pizza Parlor Fight In Toronto

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As Michael K pointed out when he called my attention to this item, you’d assume that “pizza parlor fight in Toronto” would be two polite Canadians saying, “No, sir, you order first, please” to one another over and over again. Everything in Canada is magical, and every Canadian I know is a sparkling gem from the north. I don’t lie. There’s nothing bad in Canada, except maybe a serial killer or two, and whatever evil spirits possessed the Canucks involved in this brawl.

Reddit (via blogTO) brings us footage of the war that broke out at a Pizza Pizza location in Toronto (“near Queen and Broadview Plaza” if you know the area). Legend has it that a late order caused a patron to jump over the counter and “throw around some potato chips.” That’s when it all went to hell! Women grapple. Chairs are picked up in hopes of being thrown. That one gal was pissed because she was punching people to STOP the fight. There is so much going on here, it’s like they all caught a shared madness and are each acting out some private trauma. This Twitter user was right:

Is Pizza Pizza good enough to inspire such brutality? Watch below and judge for yourselves.

Pic: YouTube

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Open Post: Hosted By The Selfie-Taking Woman Who Murdered $200,000 Worth Of Art

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Hey, least she didn’t die. A gal at an art show in L.A. was trying to take a selfie of herself. Hilarity Tragedy ensued when she bumped into a column, which triggered a domino effect, destroying over $ 200,000 worth of artwork. My dearly departed father used to get super-pissed at us whenever we’d spill anything at the kitchen table. We never knew why, it might have had something to do with his family not having a lot of money when he was a kid. He would have been WROUGHT at this poor lady.

The works were by Hong Kong-based artist Simon Birch. In the destroyer’s defense, the L.A. Times (via Some News) DID describe the show as extremely suited to social media.

“Oh, the selfies you’ll make at L.A.’s 14th Factory, where the art is so social. Our Instagram tour,” and wrote that the show, made up of crowns, was a “series of wondrous, over-the-top sets for the perfect selfie.”

You can watch the carnage below. Hopefully, she has a ton of followers on Instagram so she can score a FitTea contract to pay off her debt.

Pic: YouTube

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Open Post: Hosted By Nicole Kidman’s Country-Fried Hoedown Fashion!

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The Beguiled isn’t just the movie Nicole Kidman is hawking these days. It’s what newsstand passersby become when they see the cover of Love magazine and notice now that her (SPOILER ALERT) man croaked and Celeste skipped Monterrey to go hunt down a new one in Nashville!

Nicole (with her nips having the same reaction mine do any time someone hands me a plate of hot chicken down in Tennessee), rocks one of Pamela Anderson’s Baywatch swimsuits and a cowboy hat to tell Music City (SPOILER ALERT 2), “Rayna James may no longer be with you, but a new country queen is here!” Love magazine’s Twitter posted the picture above and quotes her saying:

“I thought about this shoot afterwards. I was like, what was I doing!?” THE Nicole Kidman for

What were you doing, Nicole?! And can we see more of it? This is the most life out of you we’ve seen since the night you finally sprang free from the Scientology bathhouse!

While the cloud to her right seems ready to mosey on up and offer to buy Nicole a drink at the Bluebird, the “o” in the “Love” is calling a spade a spade: “Who is this shifty bitch, and why is she holding onto a fur-lined jean jacket? It’s July!”

Pic: Carin Backoff/Love Magazine

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Open Post: Hosted By Selena Gomez’s Lips Warbling Out Her Latest Single

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When most people think of fetishes, they think of (look away, Mom!) ties, whipped cream, goat sacrifice, feathers… you know, the normal stuff. However, if you’re Selena Gomez, you’re your own fetish worth singing about, and you’ll bring Gucci Mane in to back a bitch up.

Selena dropped her new single Fetish today with Gucci, singing:

You got a fetish for my love
I push you out and you come right back
Don’t see a point in blaming you
If I were you, I’d do me, too

Modest! But snaps to Selena for having a yo-yo puss! The video gives me the heeby jeebies (gimme a break, it’s been two presidents since I’ve been that up-and close with a lady!), as it’s just her lips with the occasional self-caressing to show off her gel manicure and to prove ONCE AND FOR ALL she is a SESSUAL ADULT:

Selena also took to Instagram to debut a new lewk: trashed suburbanite sprawled across the kitchen with a broken wine glass looking like she’s about to let one rip (aka how I spend most of my Saturday mornings):

Fetish. Thursday.

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Even Taylor Swift was smoked out of her Candy Land fox hole to congratulate Waverly Place’s favorite wizard on the single. But let’s set the record straight: that photo looks like it was taken by Tay after Selena arrived in Rhode Island with snacks for the annual July 4th party Taylor never planned on having this year! HAHAHA, TSwift, you’re so mean!

Sultry pop magic from this dreamy almost-birthday-girl 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

Pic: YouTube

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Open Post: Hosted By Slay-Line Serving An Homage To EVERYTHING In Paris

Celine Dion dressed in all white leaves her hotel in Paris

Paris hasn’t really been the same since Miss Piggy took over French Vogue. Every gal in town had to immediately burn her wardrobe, because NOBODY does couture like Miss P. That is, until came Celine Dion.

The Queen of Quebec famously kept ringside seats at couture shows where she war whooped next to Anna Wintour, which isn’t nice, since the loudest thing the American Vogue editor likes to hear is the thwack of Roger Federer’s tennis racket at Wimbledon.

She’s already been spotted serving Everglades gator/Jon Gosselin realness all in the name of FAH-SHUN. The Queen of Quebec even kept Vogue’s Instagram writers busy putting out long-form snobbery to kinda-nudes and other images of her around town. My personal fave was her homage to 1960s Southwest flight attendants:

"They see me; I don't see them," is Celine Dion's line on the great blob of paparazzi and fans that follows her everywhere. She gives them any picture they ask for, plus a great many more. Consider an appointment with at the house of Schiaparelli, where she poses for the creative director Bertrand Guyon on a window sill overlooking the Place Vendome. She wears a tiny whimsical dress of Swarovski chainmail re-embroidered with yet more crystals and high sparkly Victorian boots–a little Twiggy, a little Tina Turner. Says her dancer Pepe Munoz: "That's a rockstar!" Says Libby Hahn, who handles public relations for the house: "I am fairly certain she was a rockstar before she put on the dress." Says Celine's own longtime photographer Denise Truscello (a Canadian cinephile with her own rockstar style), thinking of the long lenses poised on the place below: "Is the dress pulled down in the back?" Says Celine Dion: "They might see my butt, but I don't think they mind." #CelineTakesCouture Photographed by @denisetruscello

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But she saved the best for today. Celine’s stylist Law Roach clearly threw everything but the kitchen sink (those aren’t white!) at Canada’s top chanteuse, and I’m jealous I can’t wear a jacket (pictured above) that looks like it used all the Big Lots white ribbon from my mom’s wrapping basket. Celine and Law took one of Barbra Streisand’s headwraps from The Way We Were, slapped it under her hat from the ’99 Oscars (a fashion re-run? Sacre bleu!), stole the high-waisted trousers from one of the Memaws sitting front row at Celine’s latest shows and took to the Champs-Élysées to assure the French people Marie Antoinette may be dead, but France once again has a Queen. The Mirror says her bag is by Celine, and I’ll golf clap to that bit of meta sartorial spirit. While Lady Gaga tortures her brain trying to figure out how to out-do Celine, I just hope Law is plotting what both sides of the Atlantic need: more shoe phone!

Check out more of Celine’s The Young Pope meets Dynasty meets Destiny’s Child video lewk in the gallery below.

Pics: WENN

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Madonna Brings Her Adorable Kids Back to Malawi to Open a Children’s Hospital

Madonna had five of her six children, sons Rocco and David and daughters Mercy, Estere, and Stelle by her side for the opening ceremony of the Mercy James Institute for Pediatric Surgery and Intensive Care at Queen Elizabeth Central Hospital in Blantyre, Malawi, on Tuesday. The singer took her four adopted kids back to their home country to celebrate the new pediatric-surgery wing, which was funded by her Raising Malawi charity and named after her 11-year-old daughter; Mercy addressed the crowd with a speech — calling her famous mom «the bomb» — and Madonna sweetly rested her head on David’s head in their seats.

Madonna also addressed the audience with a heartfelt speech about her history with Malawi: «There are so many things I never imagined I will do. I never imagined one day I will build this kind of a hospital,» she said, explaining that growing up without a mother herself has motivated her to give the best to Malawian children. She added: «Never give up on your dreams.»

Madonna adopted 11-year-old David and Mercy in 2006 and 2007, respectively, and welcomed twins Estere and Stelle, 4, in February. President Peter Mutharika bestowed the pop star with a huge honor during the ceremony, declaring, «You started by adopting four Malawian children, now we are adopting you as the daughter of this nation.»

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