Open Post: Hosted By Missy Elliott Bringing Fly Dominatrix Hotness To “VH1 Hip Hop Honors” 

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VH1 Hip Hop Honors aired last night, and the theme was The 90s Game Changers, so there were performances by Warren G, Trina, Trick Daddy, Lil’ Kim, Xscape, Fat Joe and Mimi, who will need to undergo physical therapy for at least three weeks since she really strained her legs by walking more than two steps on her own. Sure, VH1 fucked up by not including SWV, TLC and one of my favorite 90s rappers Sylk-E Fyne, but they made up for it by bringing out Missy Elliott and her chorus of steampunk goth insects.

A recreation of Missy’s She’s A Bitch video was jizzed up onto the stage, and the Madonna to CeeLo’s Gaga gave it so hard in latex that I’m sure many people ran off to the ER with rubber burns to their eyeballs. If The Fly was turned into a hip-hop musical using outfits from Burning Man…

Pic: VH1

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Open Post: Hosted By Sofia Vergara’s Disney Prince-Looking Son 

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That tub of Muscle Milk with 3-day stubble named Joe ManJello must’ve been busy last night doing more important things (like doing pinky lifts to get a perfect eight pack on his pinky, or doing b-hole lifts to get a perfect eight pack on his b-hole, etc), because Sofia Vergara brought her son Manolo Gonzalez-Ripoll Vergara as her date to the Emmys. And while I was calling 911 to report 45-year-old Sofia Vergara for disgustingly stealing Jane Fonda’s hair look, some on the internet were turning their chonies into a Swiss Miss factory by busting sixteen tons of tapioca crotch pudding over 25-year-old Manolo.

Manolo is Sofia’s son with her first husband, Joe Gonzalez, and since the children of celebrities will shrivel up and turn to dust if they don’t do at least one modeling shoot in their lives, he models sometimes. Manolo, who gives me a touch of Latino JFK vibes, isn’t really my type. He’s too young and looks too nice. I like the grizzled types who reek of whiskey, Irish Spring and bad decisions, and who never return my texts and start putting on their shoes one second after they bust one. But the internet’s nipples are getting hard for Manolo, and since he looks like a real-life cartoon Disney prince, they’re probably trying to woo him by making friends with birds or murdering their mom.

I swear, some people on the internet are so hard-up and desperate. Those horny whores act like they’ve never seen a man befor- Wait, hold that thought, I just saw that Carrot Top posted a picture of him holding a giant rocket dick and I need to grab the canola oil (I’m out of lube).

Pics: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By Naked “Bromans”

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The Emmys are tonight. Award shows make me nervous (don’t ask) so I usually catch up on the good stuff later, but if pining for the ineligible-to-be-nominated-this-year Game of Thrones is your thing, go forth! Speaking of quality television, the UK’s ITV2 channel has this new reality show called Bromans. It premiered on Thursday night and the premise has a bunch of hard-bodied guys and gals pretending to be gladiators in ancient Rome. It’s probably a safe bet that they’re not actually netting and sticking tridents in each other (then again), but they ARE naked. Is BBC America going to carry this mess?

The only reason this mess is the “Open Post” is because Attitude says that the dudes had to strip down to just smiles in the first five minutes. This is why the UK is better at realitTV than us.

Pic: ITV2, Video via Homorazzi

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Open Post: Hosted By The Underwearless Hula Hooper 

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Queerty was kind enough to call our attention to this hula-hooper dude from Instagram. He’s REALLY good at hula-hooping. A delightful addition to his expert hula-hopping is what looks like his enormous penis swinging free in his shorts. It’s truly mesmerizing. This guy should do every sport in this outfit. Do you think he dresses like this at the gym? How do people focus when he’s working out near them? That dick must be contending with several lawsuits from all of the people who have fallen off ellipticals and Stairmasters and received broken bones due to being distracted. Watch below.

Mi bebé 🐉 @carlossaez.tech

A post shared by Ramses Honda Ayanami (@dearabra) on

Pic: Instagram

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Open Post: Hosted By This Hot $1,650 Sweater Made Of Pantyhose and Stretched-Out Tube Socks 

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The next time you run into Calvin Klein, politely interrupt him as he sucks the life out of his latest boy toy’s neck, and give him a million thank yous. Because if it wasn’t for him, you wouldn’t have the perfect sweater to wear when you’re really feeling your nipples, but not really feeling your arms, and also want to look fucking crazy.

Many on the internet have been laughing and heaving at this Raf Simons designed sweater thing. By “laughing and heaving,” I of course mean “furiously applying for a new credit card so that they can buy that sweater,” because who wouldn’t want to use their rent money to buy something that looks like the unholy child of a varsity jacket and an American Apparel bodysuit? B-holes will pop from the hotness of it all when you hit the streets while wearing that sweater and your clear knee mom jeans.

Barneys is selling a prude version of this sweater for ONLY $ 1,150. I say “prude,” because it’s not sheer. Barneys hates nipples, basically. SSENSE was selling the nipple-baring version for $ 1,650, but it’s sold out now. Either SSENSE only had one for sale, or Scientology bought every single one and is using it as their new uniform for Tom Cruise’s Bathhouse Boys Academy.

While many are wondering why that thing exists, I’m sure there’s at least one person who’s glad it does. Somewhere out there, a rich bitch who suffers from constantly cold arms and overheated nipples just fell in love.

Pic: SSENSE

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Open Post: Hosted By The OG Auto-Tune Queen Showing Future How It’s Done

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Back in the day, the Gap paid randomly paired celebs gobs of cash to pretend like they actually wore that shit for the sake of a good ad. Like Madonna and Missy Elliot trying to out-do each other, or Sarah Jessica Parker ditching those Sex And The City broads to dance around with Lenny Kravitz. Those ads seemed to pay off, since you couldn’t really fire a spitball off in homeroom back in the day without hitting someone in one of those chunky GAP hoodies.

Fast forward to today, and the only thing crowding into a Gap is piles and piles of debt. Execs must be taking a page from the NBC reboot playbook, because we’re now seeing celebs pop up back in ads – like CHER! And…Future?

Before you go wagging your tongues, the thing kind of makes sense! Cher was using Auto-Tune long before it became the stepping stone toward a successful rap career. Cher takes the lead in “Everyday People,” because she’s Cher and seems to have a twinkle in her eye that says, “Take a seat, Future, and let the Present show you how it’s fucking done.” Even better was how she told the Evening Standard (via Billboard) that she had no idea who the hell Future even was before they crooned one out together:

“I didn’t know who Future was before this, but I knew it would be so fun to work with someone who is completely unlike me, and who is young, really talented and striving.”

The best part about this ad campaign is that every clip I can find is just them talking about singing together and not the obligatory “I love wearing my Gap jeans because they’re just so comfy” bullshit. You know Cher floated down from her Malibu mansion in her own Cher frocks and told those minions the only Gap she would be rocking that day was the one she requires to keep mere mortals a healthy distance away from her legend self.

Pic: YouTube

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Open Post: Hosted By This Princess Diana Floral Tribute

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As we know, art is subjective and one man’s masterpiece is another man’s toilet bowl that needs scrubbing. They may be the same man but that man’s perspective is key to making a meaningful commentary on creation, representation and aesthetics. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and The Eye of The Beholder should be the title of a Lifetime movie based on controversial “well dressing” done in the likeness of Princess Diana in the quiet British town of Chesterfield.

According to The Guardian:

A floral tribute to Diana, Princess of Wales produced as part of a traditional festival for dressing wells in Chesterfield has been described as “horrendous” and “an insult” to the late royal.

The flower arrangement, decorating a well in Chesterfield’s market place to commemorate the 20th anniversary of Diana’s death, was mocked online after the Derbyshire town’s council published pictures on Facebook.

Let’s see… as I hold my thumb up to gauge how well the artist or artists handled visual perspective in this piece, I am first struck by the rather big dick that centers the face. Now it could be that the artist or artists intended this, um, structure, to represent the nose one would normally expect to see at the center of a portrait. It is a bold choice indeed. As I move my gaze downward I can see the artist or artists have made an attempt at a mouth-like structure. The materials choice (egg shells, sunflower seeds, maggots?!?, actual human teeth removed from a corpse?) is bold and the effect is quite striking. But to my mind, the heart and soul of this piece are the emotive eyes which scream out to the viewer, “WHYYYYYY?”. But again, this is only my opinion and while I can’t claim any fancy art history degrees or other such bona fides I can confidentially say, what the actual fuck.

Pic: Facebook

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Open Post: Hosted By Steven Tyler As A Vision In White

Celebrity Fight Night Final Gala 2017

Look, I love a comfortable, loose fitting, crisp white v-neck shirt dress as much as the next guy. It’s elegant, yet understated, simple but classic. It quietly assures “I have money but I’m not going to rub it in your face.” It’s as appropriate at a red carpet event (think Diane Keaton at a Nancy Meyers movie premiere) as it is at a garden party in the Hamptons (think Diane Keaton at Nancy Meyers’ house).

But I’m here to tell you, Steven Tyler has got this classic look twisted. Steven showed up at the Celebrity Fight Night Final Gala 2017 at Cinecitta Studios (how does he get all the good invites?!?!) looking like Martha Stewart on the top, Dr. Frankenstein’s monster on the bottom with some sloppy black pants and chunky black shoes. Those sad, baggy black pants don’t even fit. And not one decorative scarf to tie this look together? I would have expected more out of Steven.

I will hand it to him though. The pockets (who doesn’t love a pocket!) and casually cuffed sleeve are divine, and Steven is doing an excellent job working his angles and finding the light. It’s just…I don’t want to see him flounce onto a cushy white couch clutching a paperback and a glass of pinot gris with those fucking clodhopper boots on!

Here’s some more of Steven in the outfit that was ALMOST perfect.

Pics: Wenn.com

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It Looks Like Ben Affleck and Lindsay Shookus Had a Ball at the US Open

Ben Affleck and Lindsay Shookus have officially taken their relationship to court — the tennis court that is. On Sunday, the actor, who is currently in the middle of divorcing Jennifer Garner, flaunted his romance with the Saturday Night Live producer as they watched the US Open Tennis Championships in NYC. Aside from showing sweet PDA as they cuddled up and held hands, Lindsay couldn’t help but let out a huge laugh as they chatted at their table. And the fun didn’t stop there. Following the game, Lindsay was all smiles as they took a casual stroll around the Upper West Side.

POPSUGAR Celebrity

Open Post: Hosted By Sloane Stephens Serving Up Her Real Tennis Inspiration

The 2015 ESPY Awards

I was crying into my chicken fingers on Thursday night after Sloane Stephens knocked Venus Williams out of the U.S. Open, but by Saturday, a new KWEEN had risen. Sloane beat Madison Keys in two sets to win her first major final, and she could not have been any less of a typical athlete about it.

The biggest upset came to Sloane herself when the announcer said she was pocketing $ 3.7 million in winnings. She was ranked 967th in the world six weeks ago, and Bleacher Report says she has made $ 4.5 million total from seven years on tour. To put it into perspective:

Sloane is giving us a mix of “Yes, I’ll take bbq AND honey mustard, and I know that costs extra” combined with “Snatched these winnings, and snatching your man is next on this bucket list.” Even better is how at the press conference, she didn’t even try and sugarcoat her reason to play tennis with the usual after-school special bullshit about friendly competition and building determination.

Sloane is going to have to buy an iPhone 7 Plus just so all the zeroes will fit the screen on her mobile banking app, and she’s out for more! Athletes normally act like NyQuil when it comes to the press, and you’re lucky if they say anything more profound than “I gave 110% out there today.” How can you explain your shitty golf game these days, Tiger? “I gave 110% out there today.” How was giving birth, Serena? “I gave 110% out there today.” How about those infidelity rumors, Kobe? “I gave 110% out there today.” Thank you for giving the people what they want, Sloane!

Pic: Wenn.com

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