George And Amal Clooney Aren’t Hiring A Full-Time Nanny

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2017’s second-most important set of celebrity twins will soon be upon us, which means it’s time for an update on how George Clooney and Amal Clooney are getting ready. George and Amal are famous people, which means their baby prep is a little fancier than cursing wildly while trying to assemble a Sniglar from IKEA and trying to remember where they put their damn DockATot.

However, just because George and Amal are rich people doesn’t mean they’re currently interviewing a team of nannies so that the paps don’t catch them looking like sleep-deprived zombies during their next photo-op. A source tells E! News that George and Amal won’t be hiring a live-in nanny or a full-time nanny. Instead, they’ll have a short-term night nurse who will help set a sleeping schedule. Amal’s mom Baria Alamuddin will most likely help out with the twins as well.

Amal, who is planning on giving birth in London, will go back to work after six months, but the source says she’ll work mostly from home.

George Clooney’s pre-babies life has been Italian vacations and chugging Casamigos tequila. Twin babies are going to be the most work he’s done in…ever, maybe? George and Amal might not hire a nanny for the babies, but I don’t think it will be long before Amal hires one for George. “George, you must be exhausted. Let’s get you out of those barf-stained clothes and into a hammock for a nap.

Pic: Wenn.com

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Mel B Doesn’t Deny She Had Threesome With The Nanny

Mel B Out And About With Her Daughters

On Friday, Lorraine Gilles, the nanny at the center of Mel B’s split from Stephen Belafonte sued Mel B for defamation. Lorraine accused Mel B of spreading lies about her, like the one about how she and Stephen were fucking, and that they were allegedly trying to blackmail Mel with sex tapes. Lorraine claimed that she did clock some overtime by engaging in threesomes with Mel B and Stephen. She also alleged that sex tapes were made, but that they were orchestrated by Mel B herself. Sources tell TMZ that Mel B isn’t fighting back against Lorraine’s claim that they all slept with each other.

According to sources, Stephen reportedly hired Lorraine and convinced her and Mel B to have three-ways, which went on for seven years. The three-ways reportedly came to an end when Stephen and Lorraine started having two-ways without Mel B’s knowledge. The sources add that Stephen and Mel B also had threesomes with a bunch of random people throughout their ten-year marriage.

Lorraine has gotten an awful (stress on awful) lot of attention recently, but that doesn’t mean Stephen Belafonte has been laying low. According to The Sun UK, Stephen is still up to his old deadbeat tricks. Stephen reportedly wants Mel B to give him money for “living expenses.” But instead of agreeing to give him any money, Mel B’s lawyers accused him of stealing nearly $ 1 million from her and she wants her money back.

Now that we know about Mel B’s many threesomes, it looks like Stephen will have to find a new blackmail scheme. My guess is he’ll probably play off Lorraine’s angle and threaten to reveal the truth regarding whether or not Mel B set up the sex tape cameras. To be honest? I’d be ok going to my grave without an answer to that mystery.

I feel like this is a lesson for people everywhere. Don’t hire the same person to watch your kids and join in your three-way. It will only end up awkward and weird. And the weirdness won’t end after you fire them either. Eventually they’ll want to use you as a reference, and that could get messy. “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to be specific. Would this be regarding her experience as a nanny or her capabilities with servicing both my husband and I?

Pic: FameFlynet

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Mel B Has Been Granted A Restraining Order Against Her Former Nanny

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The messiest situation to happen regarding a Spice Girl since Nicola went into labor at the club continues. Mel B now has two restraining orders. One is against her estranged husband and alleged abuser Stephen Belafonte, and TMZ says she now has one against her ex-nanny Lorraine Gilles.

Stephen and Lorraine – aka the nanny he allegedly knocked up and forced to get an abortion on Mel B’s dime – were allegedly holding a storage locker full of Mel B’s memories, sex tapes, and Spice Girl memorabilia hostage. Mel B claimed Stephen and Lorraine were using the contents of the storage locker as collateral in an extortion attempt that dates back to 2015. According to TMZ, part of their extortion plan was to threaten Mel B with the release of the sex tapes unless she agreed to re-hire Lorraine as a nanny and give her a raise.

Mel B’s lawyers recently got a court order to get into the storage locker, which is Lorraine’s. She also got a restraining order against Lorraine. A judge ordered Lorraine to stay 100 yards away from Mel B and not remove anything from the storage locker. It sounds like Lorraine might have been secretly crossing her fingers when she agreed to that last one. TMZ says that things didn’t go well when Mel B went to the storage locker.

Mel B was expecting to find between 12 and 15 boxes worth of her things inside the unit. When the storage unit people finally let Mel B enter the unit, she found none of her stuff inside. Mel B and her lawyers left the storage unit yesterday with nothing.

Stephen’s lawyer Grace Jamra tells TMZ that there was no extortion attempt, that Stephen and Lorraine were never in cahoots, and that Lorraine was fired before anything was hidden in storage. She adds that Mel B’s memorabilia did go into a storage locker, but it was agreed upon because she and Stephen were selling their home and decided it should be put in a safe place. And then she basically called Mel B a drama queen.

“Unfortunately, it appears that Ms. Brown is creating further hysteria and seeking meaningless Court orders,” adding, they are waiting for Mel B’s lawyers to call and arrange a time and date for inventory of the storage locker. Jamra says, “It will be clear to everyone that there are no sex tapes in the storage.”

That’s not to say Stephen isn’t involved in any extortion attempts. He went to the LAPD several days ago crying that an ex was trying to extort him. Police sources tell TMZ that Stephen claims a former girlfriend has threatened to come out with made-up stories of alleged abuse unless he handed over a significant amount of cash. Stephen went to the police instead. I mean, of course he did. That ex-girlfriend didn’t think that one through. You can’t extort someone who is already rumored to be extorting someone. That’s why they’re extorting – they need the cash. She should have asked for Spice Girls memorabilia, since it’s pretty clear Stephen still has access to that.

Pic: Wenn.com

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Eva Amurri Wrote About How Her Night Nanny Dropped Her Baby

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A few months ago, Susan Sarandon’s actress/mommy blogging daughter Eva Amurri spit out a looong post on her blog about how she had to pink slip a nanny for allegedly trying to turn her husband into the next Ben Affleck by fucking him. Eva had another dramatic nanny tale to tell, only this time, the nanny wasn’t trying to get on her husband’s dick. Eva’s night nanny allegedly fell asleep on the job and dropped her three-month-old baby on his head. So now Eva’s probably going to run out and buy a helmet for her baby’s head and a locked helmet for husband’s crotch.

Those who think that I am the most melodramatic blogging mess on the wasteland that is the internet are right, but Eva Amurri is second. She’s beyond dramatic. But Eva had a right to be dramatic in her latest blog post, because her baby son cracked his skull after his nanny accidentally sent him free falling to the floor. Eva wrote on her blog that she’s got “some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, possibly linked to some form of Postpartum Depression” and has been overreacting to everything. Eva also wrote that her anxiety levels shot up to infinity and beyond when she and her husband Kyle Martino woke up to the sound of their baby son Major James (yes, that’s his real name) hitting the floor.

A couple of days after Thanksgiving, our Night Nurse fell asleep while holding Major and dropped him, and he cracked his head on the hardwood floor. Kyle and I were sleeping at the time and were awoken by the sound of his head hitting the floor, and then hysterical piercing screams. He suffered a fractured skull and bleeding on his brain, and was transported by ambulance to Yale Medical Center where I spent two harrowing days with him to receive emergency care and further testing. To say these were the most traumatic and anxious two days of my life is an understatement.

Eva said that despite Major James cracking his little skull, he was okay and no permanent damage was done.

But here’s the good part: by the grace of all of his many angels, and every God one cares to pray to, MAJOR IS FINE. Completely fine. Though he had the fracture, some skull displacement, and bleeding, the skull did not touch his brain and the bleeding was localized. Further MRI’s showed no brain damage and we were discharged by experts in pediatrics and neurology with as excellent of a prognosis as we could have ever hoped for. We were absolutely, divinely lucky that day. He had no other broken bones, and no spinal effects whatsoever. He has been healing well, hitting milestones, cooing, smiling, and generally showing us that he is and will be ok as he grows and develops.

Eva then used approximately 12,993,989 words to say that she’s got major mommy guilt, let the night nanny go, is taking two weeks off from her blog and will never ever trust anyone else to take care of Major James or her 2-year-old daughter Marlowe Mae Martino. But that doesn’t mean that Eva’s Dramatic Nanny Tales are over. She still lets others take care of her children during the day while she runs errands and stuff.

After Eva got shit from people who spit at her for using nannies, she wrote this for them on Instagram.

To those who have expressed judgement, cruelty, and criticism of me, my choices, or my fragility during this time- I’m not going to justify myself to you. But I sincerely wish that 2017 brings you enough self love and confidence that you no longer feel the need to tear down another person during their darkest moment.

Stories like this one up my fear of holding a live human baby. I hardly ever hold babies, because I’m always afraid of dropping ’em. And also because in order to be around children I need to drink as much booze as possible and I am not going to put down my drink to hold a baby. I have my priorities in check!

And well, if Eva ever wants to hire another full-time nanny, she should hire this toddler hero. He may only be 2-years-old, but he’s already an expert baby saver!

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Steve Howey And Sarah Shahi Are Being Sued By Their Former Nanny For Allegedly Sketchy Behavior

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This story is probably going to make you go all C+C Music Factory when trying to place the participants. I’m there with you, but it’s this or the 24-hr Trump Channel, and we’ve got four fucking years to watch that. Steve Howey (the lanky guy that plays the bartending neighbor on Shameless) and his wife Sarah Shahi (she played a killing machine on Person of Interest – yes, I watched Person of Interest, I know, supposedly a life is arriving by Amazon drone for me any day now) are being sued by their former nanny for basically and allegedly being assholes.

According to the lawsuit filed, Sarah Alaseri was hired in 2012 to nanny Steve and Sarah’s three children. Sarah claims that Steve, who also starred on the old Reba sitcom, would verbally abuse her for being Muslim. She says that she felt that she couldn’t do her daily prayers in the house. I find it hard to believe that someone who worked alongside the down-home and earthy Reba McEntire for six seasons could be intolerant. Isn’t she a red-headed fount of goodwill from which to draw kindness and understanding? I don’t know, to me, she just seems like a nice lady.

On the opposite end of the “shit you don’t pull with your nanny” spectrum, Sarah the nanny says that Sarah Shahi was one of those people in your life who insists on sharing the intimate details of their genital adventures even though you don’t know them like that. In fact, I don’t want to hear about the specifics of your genital adventures even if I DO know you like that.

According to Alaseri, Shahi told her about an affair with an “A-list” actor who left her “sore” — and she even played show and tell. The nanny says Shahi whipped out pics of her lover’s junk, and said she wanted to “move on with her life” … without Howey.

Sarah, can you make sure Cozumel and Andy get to their playdate on time? And just so you know, the guy I’ve been fucking around with behind my husband’s back is PACKING. I’m talking like, he has to wrap it around his ankle. Ooo, girl, I can barely walk. Look. Look here on my phone. Right? Oh, and make sure Delilah gets the organic yogurt in her lunch.

Nanny Sarah says that Sarah Shahi was all about the sex talk and even encouraged her to get in shape and “run off” with Steve. Was he considered Sarah the nanny’s Christmas bonus? I get it. There’s dick out there that makes you sore and crazy.

TMZ says that Sarah the nanny quit after three years because she couldn’t take it anymore and is seeking damages “for back wages, harassment, wrongful termination — basically, a lot of money.

Bringing another human being into your home on the daily to mind your children can be a dicey proposition (Hi Ben Affleck and Jen Garner!). Especially if the nanny ends up being a freak or the couple in question does. They should make robot nannies. That way you can act like a bizarre asshole around them and nobody gets hurt. Scratch that, I watch Westworld. You never know when your android is going to Maeve out and start running things.

Pic: WENN

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Where in the World Is Christine Ouzounian? (The Nanny Ben Affleck Allegedly Kissed?)

Where’s that nanny? No, not this nanny , that nanny. Christine Ouzounian. The nanny who allegedly hooked up with her boss, Ben Affleck, triggering one of the biggest celebrity divorces of the summer. (Ben Affleck denies cheating.) You may remember Ouzounian doing the following:

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