‘Happy Death Day’ Is Stupid, But Not in the Fun Way

After all the shit that’s gone down this week, I know I’m not alone in needing a fun, stupid movie to see this weekend. Something high-energy and schlocky that—and this is key—has nothing to do with Harvey Weinstein and his grabby hands and his smelly ween.

Happy Death Day checks some of those boxes. Harvey Weinstein hasn’t involved in it in any way. And it sure is stupid. And it’s kind of fun. Ish. In parts. It’s not terrible. But it’s also not all that good.

In Groundhog Day: But With Murder This Time, shallow sorority girl Tree (Jessica Rothe)—yes, her name’s Tree—finds herself in the unenviable position of getting murdered on her birthday by some weirdo in a baby mask. It’s Live Die Repeat, take two—except I won’t call it Live Die Repeat, Doug Liman. I don’t care what you say, the movie’s name is Edge of Tomorrow—as each death resets her back to the beginning of her birthday. The whole «repeatedly getting murdered by a knife-wielding maniac» thing isn’t exactly a bucket of giggles, but the series of mulligans gives Tree time to figure out who’s trying to do her in. There are a lot of options: The sexy British professor she’s sleeping with, his wife, a guy she ghosted, the sorority queen bee rival, the roommate she’s constantly dismissive of… Tree’s kind of an asshole.

Now, in a normal world, if you know someone’s going to kill you by the end of the day—not a monster, not a demon, just a normal person—you Rambo your ass up, plant yourself in a room across from the door, and plug the motherfucker to kingdom come when he shows up to get his stab on. Then you take the mask off and figure out who BabyMan is. Boom. Movie’s over in 20 minutes. Instead, Tree—with the help of Carter, her geekdorable Man Friday whom she’s able to confide in her about her experience—makes the bewilderingly stupid decision of stalking everyone who might be the killer and then checking them off the list if she’s murdered while trailing them.

I mean.

C’mon now.

I don’t expect time travel or time travel-adjacent movies to be entirely free of logical inconsistencies, and certainly people in horror movies have a certain latitude when it comes to behaving like idiots, or else many horror movies wouldn’t even exist. But that is utter dipshittery of the highest order. Especially once it’s established that Tree keeps her death wounds from life to life—not in their OG blood ‘n’ guts forms, but enough that it’s clear that if she dies too many times, that’s it, game over.

Knock the motherfucking BabyMan out with a hammer.

What are you doing??????

You know he’s coming! Final Girl up and kill his ass!

That said, I’ve watched my share of bad horror movies—The Bye Bye Man, anyone?—and Happy Death Day is better than a lot of them just by virtue of being reasonably zippy and fun. Rachel Matthews in particular steals every scene she’s in as Danielle, the Regina George of Tree’s sorority, who spouts lines like «What is breakfast, Becky?!» and «the heifers at Delta Gamma—they’re into cosplay«—with spiteful glee. But the zingers aren’t zing-y enough or frequent enough to rescue Happy Death Day from mediocrity. It’s not just that the lead character, who treats people like shit and makes a dumb decision every 30 seconds, is nearly impossible to root for. There’s a second act red herring that’s utterly interminable—c’mon, we know the killer isn’t going to be [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS*], so can we just get on it with it? And there’s a bullshit «Tree learns to be a better person!» subplot that’s rushed and unbelievable. Granted, the «redemption arc» (such as it is) isn’t as bad as the one in fellow Groundhog Day takeoff Before I Fall, in which the lead was a heinous, bullying nightmare who never actually did anything to atone for her behavior. But a ten-minute detour into moralistic «wait… I’ve just realized I shouldn’t be an asshole!» territory is clunky and eyeroll-inducing on its own.

Want to see something this weekend that will make you feel good about the world? Watch Professor Marston and the Wonder Women and give Happy Death Day a pass.

Pajiba

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

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The cock waffles of Bangkok (too perfect) that have got some highly offended prudes with their dicks in a twist!

Peen-shaped waffles have been around for almost as long as actual peens have. It’s been said that Methuselah posed for the first dick waffle mold (yes, he had it like that), and that dick waffles were served at the Last Supper. Taiwan has been making cream-oozing cock waffles for a while now and you can even buy your own cock waffle maker. But Coconuts Bangkok says that a chef after my own dick-loving heart has been selling peen waffles at the city’s Indy Market, and it’s making some people jizz at the mouth, and it’s making others mad.

Peen waffle chef Ketnita Prasertsomboon calls her peen waffle stand Pho Hai Ma, which translates to “From My Dad.” Um, is Ketnita’s dad single? She stuffs them with all sorts of things like sausage, cream and of course cheese. One of the rare times when dick cheese is delicious and mouth watering is when it comes oozing out of a cock waffle. Ketnita’s cut dick creations started getting a lot of attention last month when a video was squirted up onto Facebook. It’s been seen over 20 million times so far. Because Ketnita’s peen waffles bring together two of the world’s best things, dick and carbs, she’s been selling them like crazy and people have been posing with them on social media. And in case you’re wondering, this is the correct way to pose with one:

But not everyone’s mouth wants to wrap around a peen waffle. Khaosod English says that a famous Thai chef named Yingsak Chonglertjetsadawong thinks that the peen waffles are offensive and raunchy and that he never wants to see food shaped like genitals. I guess Chef Chonglertjetsadawong has never seen anything called a cucumber, or a banana, or a hot dog or an oyster. But please, bitch is just mad that he doesn’t have the culinary skills to create something that can easily double as a sex toy AND breakfast. And yes, I realize that I just ruined the beautiful peen waffle.

Pic: Facebook

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“Hot Slut Of The Day!” Is Taking A Break Too. Blame My Goddamn Left Retina 

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Pictured: The last Hot Slut of the Day for a while, Lily Charles from Pushing Daisies (as played with glamorous perfection by Swoosie Kurtz) who reinvented the eye patch eleganza game and could easily knock out a trick with just one devastating eye glare.

So…. remember last month when I said that I was taking a break from regularly posting because I needed to deal with some health shit? Well, my health shit didn’t involve my eye, but I guess my eye got jealous and decided to get in on the fun. I got some retina tears in my left eyeball about two weeks ago, and they were lasered, but it didn’t take and so my retina detached. “Bitch, I can no longer take the heat of what comes up when you Google ‘Carrot Top naked’ so I’m out of this ho.” – my retina, most likely.

I’m having surgery and my surgeon is going to install some gas bubble on my eye. And yes, WebMD tells me that the procedure of installing a gas bubble on an eye involves the surgeon squatting on a patient’s face and farting onto their eye.

They tell me that after the surgery, I must stay in bed for one to two weeks, and I have to stay away from reading and writing. If you read my posts before, then you may have asked the question, “Is he illiterate?” But believe it or not, I can fully read, and since farting up a Hot Slut of the Day post every day requires reading, it’s taking a time out for the first time in HSOTD history. Send your curse-filled complaints to: michaelsassholecuntofaretina@dlisted.com

HSOTD and I will be both be back when I’m told it’s safe to read words again. In the meantime, Allison, J. Harvey, Mieka, C.J. and Ben will continue to bring your daily dose of messiness.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to furiously bedazzle an eye patch and pray that I can work it one 10000000th as good as Lily Charles did.

Pic: ABC

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Fantasia Review: South Korea’s ‘A Day’ Is ‘Groundhog Day’ With A Hitchcock Twist

Imagine you kept reliving the worst day of your life. Not metaphorically, like you can’t stop playing its events over and over again in your mind. Literally, like you’re imprisoned to retread paths to a terrible end point, and no matter how you might try to deviate the journey, it always crashes coldly into the same dark destination. It’s a unique brand of hell you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.

Or maybe you would.

In the South Korean thriller A Day, celebrated surgeon Jun-young (Kim Myung-min) is trapped in a cruel loop, living again and again the day his young daughter (Jo Eun-hyung) was killed in a car crash. Over and over, he awakes in a cold sweat, desperate to race to that horrid intersection and save her. But always he’s too late. Each time, he’s tormented by the sight of her limp little body dead in the crosswalk. Just when things seem too grim, bordering on numbing, writer-director Cho Sun-ho reveals this devastated doctor isn’t alone in this aching eternal cycle, and so A Day spins into something exhilarating, strange, and bittersweet.

Making its international premiere at the Fantasia International Film Festival, A Day pitches audiences into a quest that’ll make your pulse and heart its plaything. The story of the doctor and his doomed daughter sets up a tale bleeding with tragedy. She is young, and angry that her daddy dares to sprint around the world saving the day for others, while she’s left at home, forgotten. He doesn’t take her pleas for attention seriously until he realizes he’s lost her. And we feel his remorse and pain, particularly in one brutal slow-motion sequence that focuses intently on the pink-jacketed child tossed up from the speeding car with such force that she seems to fly. We watch her fall as her father does, horrified and helpless. But with the introduction of an amped up ambulance driver (Byun Yo-han), the film takes on a manic flare that surges the second act, which folds in flashbacks tender and shocking, along with tense chase scenes and a gut-punching, game-changing reveal.

To avoid spoilers, I’ll say only that the doctor and the driver diverge on how this damnable loop might be ended, and the daughter saved. This spurs a tension in their already uneasy alliance, jettisoning the plot into a finale that is unnerving, enthralling, and stunningly poignant.

Ultimately, A Day is a Groundhog Day premise with Hitchcockian twists, and a delectable dollop of the bittersweet that audiences have come to expect from such South Korean stunners as The Handmaiden, Mother, and I Saw The Devil. Even when you get a happy ending in this oeuvre, it’s one edged with brilliant pain. And it’s all the more beautiful for it.

Kristy Puchko reviews a bunch of movies. Find more reviews of hers here.

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Hot Slut Of The Day! 

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New York City’s Queen of Sex Moans!

This inspirational and important story is from last weekend, which means it’s centuries old in internet time, and I’ve been meaning to give her the HSOTD honor she deserves and earned, but well, other HSOTDs came around (see: Dodger Stadium’s flashin’ granny). But as philosophers like Aristotle and Plato have said: It’s never too late to slow clap for an always-horny Brooklyn goddess who constantly fucks the ears of her neighbors with the beam of orgasm sounds shooting out of her mouth while doing her younger piece.

In 2015, DNAinfo reported that one couple in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn earned the title of The Loudest Lovahs in NYC when records showed that neighbors made a total of six complaints to 311 about their moaning and groaning. The complaints were logged in between October 2015 and December 2015, and were usually made in the early morning hours. The couple was never named, but two years later, they have come (pun intended) forward to The New York Post. 49-year-old Olga Valerio and her 26-year-old boyfriend Byron Perez are taking the blame for filling their building up with their hump wails because she wants everyone to leave her 31-year-old daughter, Dahiana, alone.

But before we get to Dahiana, Olga and her man did a little photo shoot for the Post, and here’s a pic of her giving you natural ginger lioness and him looking a little scared and confused. And probably because he can’t hear the photographer’s instructions since his hearing has gotten messed up from her constant sex roars.

Dahiana was temporarily staying at her mother’s apartment when the story about Bay Ridge’s Sally Albright first broke, and she says everyone assumed she was doing Byron Perez and together they were keeping people up. Reporters and neighbors all thought it was Dahiana. The attention brought out the sleazy ass creeps who knocked on her door, and even one offered her thousands of dollars for sex.

Olga and Byron, who met in the building (he’s the handyman of the place), say that they had no idea how loud they were (uh huh), but that they used to bone with the window open. Once they found out that they were giving a fuck moans show that nobody wanted a ticket to, they started to close the window. Olga didn’t come forward at first, because she was afraid people would drag her for her age.

“It’s natural, it’s normal. I never thought that this would happen, but it happened. I didn’t know that we were doing it too loud!

I don’t feel old, but people start to talk, you know? I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in that kind of situation. At the beginning I was so embarrassed, but now I’m okay with it. I said, ‘If I need to tell the whole story, I’ll do it.’ I’m doing this for Dahiana.”

Nearly everyone I know who lives or lived in NYC has heard at least one neighbor get it on. It’s a way of life. In one apartment I lived in, I shared a bedroom wall with my neighbor and every now and again I’d hear him do it with his girlfriend. I never really heard her, but him…. If he was a tag on PornHub, he’d be “Verbal Daddy,” because he’d grunt, scream and breath all heavy-like and shit. He sounded like me trying to do one complete sit-up. I never thought to complain, because it was entertaining. But if it happened all the time, I’d 311, 911 and all the other 11s to say, “Yeah, my neighbor keeps reminding me that he’s getting laid much more than I am and that is an attack on me, so can you please arrest the motherfucker for that?

Pic: YouTube

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Hot Slut Of The Day! 

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Holly Maniatty, legendary concert ASL artiste!

This HSOTD is a long time coming and if I knew how to sign, “Dumb bitch, you’re late with this,” I’d sign it to myself in a mirror. Holly Maniatty of Newport, Vermont studied American Sign Language and interpreting at Rochester Institute of Technology and after graduating, she got a job with an interpreting company. The story goes that a job came up to interpret at a Marilyn Manson concert and none of her co-workers wanted to do it, so she took it, and after that, concerts became her speciality. Especially hip-hop shows. And a legend was born.

Holly has signed shows for the Beastie Boys, Jay-Z and the Tupac hologram at Coochella, but she became an ASL star (in other words, the Tommy Krångh of America) when a video of her nearly breaking her finger bones while signing during Wu-Tang’s set at Bonnaroo went viral. Slate did a profile on her after that and she said that she spends a giant amount of time researching each artist, their lyrics and what their style is. And after doing so many hip-hop shows, she now really knows hip-hop.

“There are lots of times people freestyle; you have to go with the moment. For some reason my brain is dialed into the hip-hop cadence and is able to process language really quickly.”

Holly is HSOTD today, because of this video from Waka Flocka Flame’s set at the Firefly Music Festival in Dover, Delaware. Holly was signing so damn hard that Waka probably realized that she was taking away all of the shine from him, so he figured, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Fozzie Bear’s favorite rapper hopped off stage and got into what Holly was serving (or in her case, signing). Holly is giving me badass and tall Rhea Perlman and I am into it.

And here’s the clip that made Holly a STAH!

And here’s Holly gracefully flowing with her hands for Snoop:

I don’t know how it’s possible that Holly doesn’t have Madonna circa 2009 arms, because my arms got sore just from watching her. Holly better have taken out a Mary Hart-like insurance policy on her arms for millions. And may the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame Museum be forced to shut down and close their doors forever if they don’t display a gold cast of Holly’s iconic hands.

Pic: YouTube

 

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Hot Slut Of The Day! 

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Canada’s Glow-In-The-Dark Coin!

Just when I was beginning to think that cash and coins are truly a thing of the past like dinosaurs, beepers, Pogo Balls and not waking up to the President of the United States dragging someone on Twitter like a tweenage pop star stan, Canada has made coins relevant again!

Today is Canada Day, the day we temporarily forget that Canada infected the world with the incurable virus called Justin Bieber and instead thank them for all the endless gifts they have given us like Celine Dion, Justin Trudeau’s Disney prince facial expressions, Kraft Mac & Cheese and HGTV. Yes, HGTV is American, but without Canadians or Canada it’d have to change its name to the other BBC (The Basic Bitch Channel) because it’d be nothing but episodes of Flip or Flop and that Waco show.

To celebrate Canada’s 150th anniversary, the Royal Canadian Mint has a released a two-dollar coin that’s got a picture of the Northern Lights on it and glows in the dark. Canada’s glow-in-the-dark coin is not to be confused with my glow-in-the-dark coin slot (which glows due to radioactivity, of course). CBCNews says that Canada’s glown-in-the-dark toonie was designed by Dr. Timothy Hsia and his brother Stephen. They entered their design into a contest and the people voted it as the winner.

The Royal Canadian Mint is releasing 10 million of the coins. It lights up thanks to some luminescent ink. If you asked me, I’d tell you that Ryan Gosling’s abs or Sandra Rinomato should be on the glow-in-the-dark coin, but the Hsia brothers explained why they went with the Northern Lights.

“We thought to ourselves, ‘What would be a Canadian wonder that all Canadians from coast to coast to coast could appreciate?’ We came up with the idea of the northern lights because this is a light display that shines most gloriously in our skies and we wanted to create something simple [that would fit].”

 

Not only is my 6-year-old-self (who was obsessed with glow-in-the-dark shit) impressed, but so is my current day self. Now if Canada really wants to blow minds and become the official king of currency, they should release Hypercolor money.

Happy Canada Day, eh-veryone!

Pic: Royal Canadian Mint

Dlisted

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

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Susanna Reid, the long-suffering morning show anchor who became a hero when she burned insufferable dick wart Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain!

Piers Morgan is not only the US editor-at-large of the highly-esteemed international literary journal The Daily Mail and professional Twitter troll, but he’s also been a main presenter on Good Morning Britain for a couple of years, alongside other presenters who wonder what they have done to deserve such an awful punishment. That includes Susanna Reid who earned many new fans (including me) and made the angels leap through the heavens with pure joy when she dissed Piers to his face.

During Good Morning Britain on Wednesday, the factory-defected enema spewed out a geyser of hypocrisy when he blabbered on about how family members constantly talk about politics on Facebook and he just wants them to shut up and post a picture of their kid. Susanna Reid represented the people when she rolled her eyes with her entire body and pretty much held up a mirror to Piers’ face when she said that she too wishes that certain fart holes would give the people around them a break from their stupid views. Here’s the clip that made many sing, “Oh what a beautiful moooooornin’!

Susanna and Piers’ love-hate-thing (mostly hate) is their schtick. But unlike Piers Morgan’s wife, I don’t think Susanna has to fake it too hard. As Jezebel points out, the site Joe.co.uk made a supercut of Susanna making a “please put me out of my misery” face whenever Piers spits out a dingle.

And even if she is turning up her hate for Piers for the sake of ratings, Susanna Reid still should be inducted into the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest internal scream in history.

Pic: @GMB

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Hot Slut Of The Day! 

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Madonna’s dad (as played by Danny Aiello) from the Papa Don’t Preach video!

On this Father’s Day, let’s pay tribute to the second most iconic dad from a pop star’s music video in the 80s (the first, of course, being Captain Lou from the Girls Just Want To Have Fun video)! The Papa Don’t Preach video was a dramatic and controversial after-school special about teenage pregnancy (yeah, I think Madge’s almost 30 ass was supposed to be a teenager) and Danny Aiello gave a stirring performance as the single father from Staten Island whose daughter repays him for the years he spent raising her by getting knocked up by dreamy-eyed trouble in a mechanic’s jumpsuit.

In between ten million shots of Madge walking around a lot while ~thinking~, we get scenes where the preaching papa takes care of young Madge, worries for young Madge’s future as she sleeps and then realizes years later that his fears have come true when he finds out she made a baby with Johnny Depp’s hot blue collar understudy (played by Alex McArthur). My favorite part of the video (besides the shots of Madge dancing in shapewear and the shots of James Dean Lite) is after the 4:25 mark when Papa gets into deep thought about being a grandpappy as Madge wonders what he’s thinking. Papa eventually decides to support Madge and it ends with a stop-motion hug. I’d like to think that after that scene ended, Papa said to Madge, “Okay, since you’re going to be a mom and your ass is almost thirty now, maybe it’s time to put those little girl bedroom curtains and that Pink Panther stuffed animal into storage.” I know, I don’t why he was acting all upset. He should’ve been happy that Madge’s almost 30 ass was finally moving out.

And I think the lesson to be learned in that video (and I’m sure it’s a lesson that Papa told young Madge) is that you should never trust a hot piece who tucks a sleeveless shirt into his jeans.

Happy Father’s Day to all the papas, step daddies, single moms, father figures, leather daddies and sugar daddies out there!

Pic: YouTube

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