Hot Slut Of The Day! 

hsotdpapadontpreachdaddy

Madonna’s dad (as played by Danny Aiello) from the Papa Don’t Preach video!

On this Father’s Day, let’s pay tribute to the second most iconic dad from a pop star’s music video in the 80s (the first, of course, being Captain Lou from the Girls Just Want To Have Fun video)! The Papa Don’t Preach video was a dramatic and controversial after-school special about teenage pregnancy (yeah, I think Madge’s almost 30 ass was supposed to be a teenager) and Danny Aiello gave a stirring performance as the single father from Staten Island whose daughter repays him for the years he spent raising her by getting knocked up by dreamy-eyed trouble in a mechanic’s jumpsuit.

In between ten million shots of Madge walking around a lot while ~thinking~, we get scenes where the preaching papa takes care of young Madge, worries for young Madge’s future as she sleeps and then realizes years later that his fears have come true when he finds out she made a baby with Johnny Depp’s hot blue collar understudy (played by Alex McArthur). My favorite part of the video (besides the shots of Madge dancing in shapewear and the shots of James Dean Lite) is after the 4:25 mark when Papa gets into deep thought about being a grandpappy as Madge wonders what he’s thinking. Papa eventually decides to support Madge and it ends with a stop-motion hug. I’d like to think that after that scene ended, Papa said to Madge, “Okay, since you’re going to be a mom and your ass is almost thirty now, maybe it’s time to put those little girl bedroom curtains and that Pink Panther stuffed animal into storage.” I know, I don’t why he was acting all upset. He should’ve been happy that Madge’s almost 30 ass was finally moving out.

And I think the lesson to be learned in that video (and I’m sure it’s a lesson that Papa told young Madge) is that you should never trust a hot piece who tucks a sleeveless shirt into his jeans.

Happy Father’s Day to all the papas, step daddies, single moms, father figures, leather daddies and sugar daddies out there!

Pic: YouTube

Dlisted

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

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Gavel, the police dog school drop out who was just too nice for the force!

Gavel, a German Shepherd from Queensland in Australia, comes from a family of police dogs and so he should have the hunger for catching criminals running through his doggy veins, but he doesn’t. When Gavel began his police dog training, the police department said that they expected him to be a regular Officer Stacy from T.J. Hooker, but Cadet Gavel turned out to be a character (and he’d be the best character) from Police Academy. Gavel is just too nice to be a police dog so he became a police dog flop.

The BBC says Gavel likes strangers and so if he was faced with an asshole with a gun, he’d probably wag his tail and throw “pet me pet me” eyes at the bitch. That didn’t work for the police department. Gavel shamed his family by flunking out of dog police academy. But Gavel didn’t have to sadly pack up his things and go off to the wilderness to find himself and figure out his place in life, because he quickly got the job he was meant to have.

Gavel was living at the official home of the Governor of Queensland as a foster and after he got an F in police dogging for being too sociable and cute, Governor Paul de Jersey gave him the job of Vice-Regal Dog in February. I didn’t know what that job was at first, but if it has “regal” in its title then it must be very important and very fancy. It is! Vice-Regal Gavel is basically a greeter and welcomes guests into Queensland’s Government House in Brisbane while wearing fancy clothes.

The office of Governor de Paul said this about their new VRD.

“He has outgrown four ceremonial coats, undergone a career change (his official title is now Gavel VRD, ‘Vice-Regal Dog’), and brought untold joy to the lives of the governor, Mrs de Jersey, Government House staff, and the thousands of Queenslanders who have since visited the estate.”

So Gavel got a Pixar-like happy ending, but don’t let his title as social director and his fancy uniform fool you. I bet that if anyone tried to fuck with the Governor or anyone at the Governor’s house, Gavel will immediately take care of that bitch. And by that I mean, Gavel will stun and paralyze the evil doer with doggy kisses and sweetness.

Pic: Facebook

Dlisted

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

hsotdbillinaozchicken2017

Billina, Dorothy’s talking chicken who saves EVERYONE in Return to Oz!

Toto is the friend (and pet) of Dorothy who gets all of the attention, and yes, he sometimes proves that he’s not just a pretty face. But did Toto lay an egg that was used to destroy the evil monsters who were trying to get at Dorothy? I think not.

Billina is one of Dorothy’s pets from Kansas and she was originally named “Bill,” because when she first hatched, no one knew if she was going to be a lady chicken or a dude chicken. L. Frank Baum’s acid trip facotry of a brain decided that for the third book, Ozma of Oz, in the Oz series, Dorothy needed the help of a talking chicken.

Billina made her book debut in Ozma of Oz, and she made her feature film debut in 1985’s Return to Oz, the creepy fuckery-filled masterpiece that made parents wonder if they were having another LSD flashback and made kids wonder if they’d ever sleep again. In Return to Oz, an Emo Dorothy gets sent to the looney bin and right before an evil psychiatrist is about to really mess her up with electroshock therapy, a storm hits and she escapes and ends up in a chicken coop. Dorothy wakes up with Billina by her side and Billina can magically talk (voice artiste Denise Bryer did the voice for Billina). Dorothy is back in Oz and replacing Toto as her sidekick is Billina. Billina was already a sassy bitch when she couldn’t talk human, and she really becomes a sassy bitch when she gets a human voice. It’s as if a character from Mama’s Family was transformed into an animatronic chicken.

To make a long weird, jacked-up story short, Billina helps to destroy the Nomes, who have been instructed by the Nome King to get Dorothy. Chicken eggs are a Nomes kryptonite, so Billina lays an egg and it ends up in the Nome King’s mouth, which causes his demise. Vegans truly don’t have shit on the Nomes.

Dorothy goes back to Kansas, but Billina ends up staying in Oz. She shows up in several other Oz books. If Hollywood ever decides to reboot Return to Oz (which they will since they hate us), I will be one hundred percent okay with it as long as they cast the only actress capable of taking on the important role of Billina. I’m talking about the one and only Chicken Cutlets, of course!

Pic: Walt Disney Pictures/Biff Bam Pop! (For Lahoma)

Dlisted

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

angrypedestrianpole2017

The pole that fucked with an angry man’s tirade against a damn driver!

Honestly, I wasn’t sure who the true HSOTD was in this video. I almost went with the pepaw, because one day, we’ll all be “old man yells at cloud” (or in this case, “old man yells at car”). Then I almost went with the dog, because well, it’s a dog and pooch deserves some recognition for not letting out a tornado of HAHAHAs after its human ate pole. But I’m going with the pole, because if it wasn’t for it, this video would’ve never ever reached VIRAL STAR STATUS!

Chris Smith was driving along the streets of Adelaide, South Australia when he drove up to a red light. Chris’ dashcam caught a pissed off man with a dog who thought he was driving up too fast and let that trick know by throwing the international sign for, “You goddamn motherfuckin’ stupid piece of shit youngin’ hooligan!”  But as he walked off, a pole ruined his melodramatic angry exit by existing. Chris Smith’s rival-of-the-minute kissed the pole with his face and that only filled his veins with more piping hot rage. The Australian Grampa Simpson should’ve cursed out that damn pole for being in his way, but he went off on Chris instead.

I’m firmly on Team Mad Pepaw In The Red Hat. Fuck Chris the Driver for driving. Fuck the car for being a car. Fuck today’s HSOTD for being a pole. Fuck them all. Get off that pepaw’s lawn street!

Pic: YouTube

 

 

Dlisted

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

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The beautiful and magnificent “Bitch, WHATEVER” eye roll that The Silver Fox delivered as Kellyanne Conway dribbled out a stream of backtracking bullshit last night. I know that foxes aren’t in the feline family, but in that screen shot, he looks like a Siamese Cat who is completely over your shit.

After Donald Trump conjured up another shit storm of craziness by firing FBI Director James Comey on a Tuesday (even an HR intern on the first day of the job knows you should do it on a Friday), a member of  Trump’s staff grabbed a torch and headed down to the darkest part of the dungeon under the White House to awaken Kellyanne Conway by saying “Bowling Green” three times really fast. Kellyanne went on CNN last night to talk about the Comey firing and her appearance started off yet another episode of: How The Fuck Is Kellyanne Going To Explain This One?

Since Trump’s reason for firing Comey had to do with the handling of the Hillary Clinton e-mail drama, Anderson rolled that beautiful bean footage from the campaign trail of Trump repeatedly patting Comey on the taint for doing such a good job with that e-mail shit. Kellyanne smirked at the beginning of the supercut of Trump praising Comey and when it finished, Anderson asked her to explain that 180 and she served up a slice of salty bitchiness by saying, “Thanks for the trip down memory lane. I was on your show often last fall saying we were going to win Michigan and how we were going to do it, so that was fun…” That punched the button that operates Anderson’s eye rolling strings and he let it go. Add this to the long, long list of reasons for why Andy Cohen should still host a post-election Real Housewives-style reunion special.

Many times, I find myself screaming, “Show those teeth and growl at a trick!”, at The Silver Fox because I think he goes too easy on a guest, but every part of me appreciated the international symbol for, “Girl, please,” he rolled out last night. Let’s go in for the close-up. I’ve been waiting for this!

The truth is, Anderson’s eyeballs should’ve already filed a workers comp claim against him for the bruising and soreness they’ve suffered through from him rolling them several times a night, but this is a start. Keep those eye rolls coming, Silver Fox!

Pic: CNN

Dlisted

Several States Still Celebrate ‘Confederate Memorial Day’

Here’s your annual reminder that there are still a handful of states in America that celebrate the former existence of the Confederacy, a dark chapter in American history when black people were considered three-fifths of a human being and were enslaved to make rich white men richer. State governments in Mississippi…

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Jezebel

‘Patriot’s Day’ Review: An Important Reminder Never to F*ck with Boston

I genuinely appreciate what Peter Berg and Mark Wahlberg have done with their last three films, Lone Survivor, Deepwater Horizon, and now Patriot’s Day. They’re dramatizing real-life events involving ordinary people in extraordinary situations, and in doing so, highlighting the heroics of everyday Americans tasked with doing their jobs, no matter how dangerous the situation. I really think Berg is doing a great service by highlighting the sacrifices blue-collar America — cops, oil-rig workers, soldiers — makes to keep this country humming. He does so in a very tasteful, apolitical way that eschews chest-thumping and flag-waving in favor of heart, honor, and genuine compatriotism.

Patriot’s Day is maybe the best of the three, a tightly edited and intense real-life thriller that honors both the victims and the heroes of Marathon Day in Boston in April 2013 without feeling exploitative. The film itself mostly follows the script of what we read in the papers and followed in the news with the addition few dramatic liberties. In general, however, it sticks to the basic facts: Chechen brothers Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and Tamerlan Tsarnaev set off two-pressure cooker bombs around 3 p.m. near the end of the Boston Marathon route, ultimately killing three people and wounding over 250 others (some severely). The FBI, Boston police and surrounding law enforcement personnel then underwent a four-day manhunt until they tracked down the individuals responsible.

Berg zeroes in on several individual characters and tries to bring them to life: Wahlberg’s Tommy Saunders is a fictionalized stand-in for Boston’s law enforcement community; John Goodman plays the Boston police commissioner; Christopher O’Shea and Rachel Brosnahan play a real-life married couple who lost their legs in the bombing; Jake Picking plays the MIT officer killed by the marathon bombers; J.K. Simmons plays the Watertown sergeant involved in the shootout with the marathon bombers; Jimmy Yang plays Dun Meng, the man who was carjacked; and Alex Wolff and Themo Melikidze play the Chechan brothers.

In an effort to humanize them, each is given a small backstory (fabricated in most cases, I assume), but the details of the bombing and manhunt are kept intact. Berg applies a few Hollywood chase tropes to keep the film’s momentum going, but despite knowing exactly what’s going to happen, Patriot’s Day is still brimming with suspense.

What the film does best, however, is to achieve that sense of solidarity in Boston (and it’s a must-see for any New Englander), and it does so without vilifying the Muslim community or overplaying the heroics of law enforcement. It was an intense four-day period in Boston, but one in which the public rallied around law enforcement. They’re heroes not because of some John McClain feats of derring-do, but because they did their jobs, just as we expect them to, and they did their jobs well, but not without human error.

Given the tragedy of the day, Patriot’s Day still plays like a crowd-pleaser, especially when it turns its focus in the end on some of the real-life people involved, and the events in the subsequent days to honor them (Big Papi, for instance, has an important symbolic role). In a strange way, it also inspires hope during a contentious political time by serving as a reminder that when we are confronted with malevolent forces, we can still come together as people, that no matter what might happen in the next four years, places like Boston, Chicago, and New York aren’t going to let anyone fuck with them, whether they’re Muslim extremists, white nationalists, or orange-stained hobgoblins. More importantly, for all the superhero movies we get in Hollywood, it’s nice to occasionally focus on the real-life ones, too.

Pajiba

Poland’s Dystopian Nightmare Could Soon Be Our Own. Have a Wonderful Day! 

The Washington Post published a chilling dispatch on Monday from Poland’s nationalist takeover, one year in. As Warsaw simmers with protests over opposition accusations that the ruling (and ironically named) Law and Justice party illegally passed next year’s budget by moving the vote outside of the main chamber of parliament, the Post’s Anthony Faiola reports on rapid changes in a country that’s starting to look a bit like The Handmaid’s Tale. Why not begin your week on a deeply upsetting note?

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Jezebel

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