“Hot Slut Of The Day!” Is Taking A Break Too. Blame My Goddamn Left Retina 

lilydalyhsotd2017

Pictured: The last Hot Slut of the Day for a while, Lily Charles from Pushing Daisies (as played with glamorous perfection by Swoosie Kurtz) who reinvented the eye patch eleganza game and could easily knock out a trick with just one devastating eye glare.

So…. remember last month when I said that I was taking a break from regularly posting because I needed to deal with some health shit? Well, my health shit didn’t involve my eye, but I guess my eye got jealous and decided to get in on the fun. I got some retina tears in my left eyeball about two weeks ago, and they were lasered, but it didn’t take and so my retina detached. “Bitch, I can no longer take the heat of what comes up when you Google ‘Carrot Top naked’ so I’m out of this ho.” – my retina, most likely.

I’m having surgery and my surgeon is going to install some gas bubble on my eye. And yes, WebMD tells me that the procedure of installing a gas bubble on an eye involves the surgeon squatting on a patient’s face and farting onto their eye.

They tell me that after the surgery, I must stay in bed for one to two weeks, and I have to stay away from reading and writing. If you read my posts before, then you may have asked the question, “Is he illiterate?” But believe it or not, I can fully read, and since farting up a Hot Slut of the Day post every day requires reading, it’s taking a time out for the first time in HSOTD history. Send your curse-filled complaints to: michaelsassholecuntofaretina@dlisted.com

HSOTD and I will be both be back when I’m told it’s safe to read words again. In the meantime, Allison, J. Harvey, Mieka, C.J. and Ben will continue to bring your daily dose of messiness.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to furiously bedazzle an eye patch and pray that I can work it one 10000000th as good as Lily Charles did.

Pic: ABC

Dlisted

Fantasia Review: South Korea’s ‘A Day’ Is ‘Groundhog Day’ With A Hitchcock Twist

Imagine you kept reliving the worst day of your life. Not metaphorically, like you can’t stop playing its events over and over again in your mind. Literally, like you’re imprisoned to retread paths to a terrible end point, and no matter how you might try to deviate the journey, it always crashes coldly into the same dark destination. It’s a unique brand of hell you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.

Or maybe you would.

In the South Korean thriller A Day, celebrated surgeon Jun-young (Kim Myung-min) is trapped in a cruel loop, living again and again the day his young daughter (Jo Eun-hyung) was killed in a car crash. Over and over, he awakes in a cold sweat, desperate to race to that horrid intersection and save her. But always he’s too late. Each time, he’s tormented by the sight of her limp little body dead in the crosswalk. Just when things seem too grim, bordering on numbing, writer-director Cho Sun-ho reveals this devastated doctor isn’t alone in this aching eternal cycle, and so A Day spins into something exhilarating, strange, and bittersweet.

Making its international premiere at the Fantasia International Film Festival, A Day pitches audiences into a quest that’ll make your pulse and heart its plaything. The story of the doctor and his doomed daughter sets up a tale bleeding with tragedy. She is young, and angry that her daddy dares to sprint around the world saving the day for others, while she’s left at home, forgotten. He doesn’t take her pleas for attention seriously until he realizes he’s lost her. And we feel his remorse and pain, particularly in one brutal slow-motion sequence that focuses intently on the pink-jacketed child tossed up from the speeding car with such force that she seems to fly. We watch her fall as her father does, horrified and helpless. But with the introduction of an amped up ambulance driver (Byun Yo-han), the film takes on a manic flare that surges the second act, which folds in flashbacks tender and shocking, along with tense chase scenes and a gut-punching, game-changing reveal.

To avoid spoilers, I’ll say only that the doctor and the driver diverge on how this damnable loop might be ended, and the daughter saved. This spurs a tension in their already uneasy alliance, jettisoning the plot into a finale that is unnerving, enthralling, and stunningly poignant.

Ultimately, A Day is a Groundhog Day premise with Hitchcockian twists, and a delectable dollop of the bittersweet that audiences have come to expect from such South Korean stunners as The Handmaiden, Mother, and I Saw The Devil. Even when you get a happy ending in this oeuvre, it’s one edged with brilliant pain. And it’s all the more beautiful for it.

Kristy Puchko reviews a bunch of movies. Find more reviews of hers here.

Pajiba

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

hsotdsexmoans2017

New York City’s Queen of Sex Moans!

This inspirational and important story is from last weekend, which means it’s centuries old in internet time, and I’ve been meaning to give her the HSOTD honor she deserves and earned, but well, other HSOTDs came around (see: Dodger Stadium’s flashin’ granny). But as philosophers like Aristotle and Plato have said: It’s never too late to slow clap for an always-horny Brooklyn goddess who constantly fucks the ears of her neighbors with the beam of orgasm sounds shooting out of her mouth while doing her younger piece.

In 2015, DNAinfo reported that one couple in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn earned the title of The Loudest Lovahs in NYC when records showed that neighbors made a total of six complaints to 311 about their moaning and groaning. The complaints were logged in between October 2015 and December 2015, and were usually made in the early morning hours. The couple was never named, but two years later, they have come (pun intended) forward to The New York Post. 49-year-old Olga Valerio and her 26-year-old boyfriend Byron Perez are taking the blame for filling their building up with their hump wails because she wants everyone to leave her 31-year-old daughter, Dahiana, alone.

But before we get to Dahiana, Olga and her man did a little photo shoot for the Post, and here’s a pic of her giving you natural ginger lioness and him looking a little scared and confused. And probably because he can’t hear the photographer’s instructions since his hearing has gotten messed up from her constant sex roars.

Dahiana was temporarily staying at her mother’s apartment when the story about Bay Ridge’s Sally Albright first broke, and she says everyone assumed she was doing Byron Perez and together they were keeping people up. Reporters and neighbors all thought it was Dahiana. The attention brought out the sleazy ass creeps who knocked on her door, and even one offered her thousands of dollars for sex.

Olga and Byron, who met in the building (he’s the handyman of the place), say that they had no idea how loud they were (uh huh), but that they used to bone with the window open. Once they found out that they were giving a fuck moans show that nobody wanted a ticket to, they started to close the window. Olga didn’t come forward at first, because she was afraid people would drag her for her age.

“It’s natural, it’s normal. I never thought that this would happen, but it happened. I didn’t know that we were doing it too loud!

I don’t feel old, but people start to talk, you know? I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in that kind of situation. At the beginning I was so embarrassed, but now I’m okay with it. I said, ‘If I need to tell the whole story, I’ll do it.’ I’m doing this for Dahiana.”

Nearly everyone I know who lives or lived in NYC has heard at least one neighbor get it on. It’s a way of life. In one apartment I lived in, I shared a bedroom wall with my neighbor and every now and again I’d hear him do it with his girlfriend. I never really heard her, but him…. If he was a tag on PornHub, he’d be “Verbal Daddy,” because he’d grunt, scream and breath all heavy-like and shit. He sounded like me trying to do one complete sit-up. I never thought to complain, because it was entertaining. But if it happened all the time, I’d 311, 911 and all the other 11s to say, “Yeah, my neighbor keeps reminding me that he’s getting laid much more than I am and that is an attack on me, so can you please arrest the motherfucker for that?

Pic: YouTube

Dlisted

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

hsotdhollyasl2017

Holly Maniatty, legendary concert ASL artiste!

This HSOTD is a long time coming and if I knew how to sign, “Dumb bitch, you’re late with this,” I’d sign it to myself in a mirror. Holly Maniatty of Newport, Vermont studied American Sign Language and interpreting at Rochester Institute of Technology and after graduating, she got a job with an interpreting company. The story goes that a job came up to interpret at a Marilyn Manson concert and none of her co-workers wanted to do it, so she took it, and after that, concerts became her speciality. Especially hip-hop shows. And a legend was born.

Holly has signed shows for the Beastie Boys, Jay-Z and the Tupac hologram at Coochella, but she became an ASL star (in other words, the Tommy Krångh of America) when a video of her nearly breaking her finger bones while signing during Wu-Tang’s set at Bonnaroo went viral. Slate did a profile on her after that and she said that she spends a giant amount of time researching each artist, their lyrics and what their style is. And after doing so many hip-hop shows, she now really knows hip-hop.

“There are lots of times people freestyle; you have to go with the moment. For some reason my brain is dialed into the hip-hop cadence and is able to process language really quickly.”

Holly is HSOTD today, because of this video from Waka Flocka Flame’s set at the Firefly Music Festival in Dover, Delaware. Holly was signing so damn hard that Waka probably realized that she was taking away all of the shine from him, so he figured, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Fozzie Bear’s favorite rapper hopped off stage and got into what Holly was serving (or in her case, signing). Holly is giving me badass and tall Rhea Perlman and I am into it.

And here’s the clip that made Holly a STAH!

And here’s Holly gracefully flowing with her hands for Snoop:

I don’t know how it’s possible that Holly doesn’t have Madonna circa 2009 arms, because my arms got sore just from watching her. Holly better have taken out a Mary Hart-like insurance policy on her arms for millions. And may the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame Museum be forced to shut down and close their doors forever if they don’t display a gold cast of Holly’s iconic hands.

Pic: YouTube

 

Dlisted

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

canadacointsstrokedtwo

Canada’s Glow-In-The-Dark Coin!

Just when I was beginning to think that cash and coins are truly a thing of the past like dinosaurs, beepers, Pogo Balls and not waking up to the President of the United States dragging someone on Twitter like a tweenage pop star stan, Canada has made coins relevant again!

Today is Canada Day, the day we temporarily forget that Canada infected the world with the incurable virus called Justin Bieber and instead thank them for all the endless gifts they have given us like Celine Dion, Justin Trudeau’s Disney prince facial expressions, Kraft Mac & Cheese and HGTV. Yes, HGTV is American, but without Canadians or Canada it’d have to change its name to the other BBC (The Basic Bitch Channel) because it’d be nothing but episodes of Flip or Flop and that Waco show.

To celebrate Canada’s 150th anniversary, the Royal Canadian Mint has a released a two-dollar coin that’s got a picture of the Northern Lights on it and glows in the dark. Canada’s glow-in-the-dark coin is not to be confused with my glow-in-the-dark coin slot (which glows due to radioactivity, of course). CBCNews says that Canada’s glown-in-the-dark toonie was designed by Dr. Timothy Hsia and his brother Stephen. They entered their design into a contest and the people voted it as the winner.

The Royal Canadian Mint is releasing 10 million of the coins. It lights up thanks to some luminescent ink. If you asked me, I’d tell you that Ryan Gosling’s abs or Sandra Rinomato should be on the glow-in-the-dark coin, but the Hsia brothers explained why they went with the Northern Lights.

“We thought to ourselves, ‘What would be a Canadian wonder that all Canadians from coast to coast to coast could appreciate?’ We came up with the idea of the northern lights because this is a light display that shines most gloriously in our skies and we wanted to create something simple [that would fit].”

 

Not only is my 6-year-old-self (who was obsessed with glow-in-the-dark shit) impressed, but so is my current day self. Now if Canada really wants to blow minds and become the official king of currency, they should release Hypercolor money.

Happy Canada Day, eh-veryone!

Pic: Royal Canadian Mint

Dlisted

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

hsotdsusannareid2017

Susanna Reid, the long-suffering morning show anchor who became a hero when she burned insufferable dick wart Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain!

Piers Morgan is not only the US editor-at-large of the highly-esteemed international literary journal The Daily Mail and professional Twitter troll, but he’s also been a main presenter on Good Morning Britain for a couple of years, alongside other presenters who wonder what they have done to deserve such an awful punishment. That includes Susanna Reid who earned many new fans (including me) and made the angels leap through the heavens with pure joy when she dissed Piers to his face.

During Good Morning Britain on Wednesday, the factory-defected enema spewed out a geyser of hypocrisy when he blabbered on about how family members constantly talk about politics on Facebook and he just wants them to shut up and post a picture of their kid. Susanna Reid represented the people when she rolled her eyes with her entire body and pretty much held up a mirror to Piers’ face when she said that she too wishes that certain fart holes would give the people around them a break from their stupid views. Here’s the clip that made many sing, “Oh what a beautiful moooooornin’!

Susanna and Piers’ love-hate-thing (mostly hate) is their schtick. But unlike Piers Morgan’s wife, I don’t think Susanna has to fake it too hard. As Jezebel points out, the site Joe.co.uk made a supercut of Susanna making a “please put me out of my misery” face whenever Piers spits out a dingle.

And even if she is turning up her hate for Piers for the sake of ratings, Susanna Reid still should be inducted into the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest internal scream in history.

Pic: @GMB

Dlisted

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

hsotdpapadontpreachdaddy

Madonna’s dad (as played by Danny Aiello) from the Papa Don’t Preach video!

On this Father’s Day, let’s pay tribute to the second most iconic dad from a pop star’s music video in the 80s (the first, of course, being Captain Lou from the Girls Just Want To Have Fun video)! The Papa Don’t Preach video was a dramatic and controversial after-school special about teenage pregnancy (yeah, I think Madge’s almost 30 ass was supposed to be a teenager) and Danny Aiello gave a stirring performance as the single father from Staten Island whose daughter repays him for the years he spent raising her by getting knocked up by dreamy-eyed trouble in a mechanic’s jumpsuit.

In between ten million shots of Madge walking around a lot while ~thinking~, we get scenes where the preaching papa takes care of young Madge, worries for young Madge’s future as she sleeps and then realizes years later that his fears have come true when he finds out she made a baby with Johnny Depp’s hot blue collar understudy (played by Alex McArthur). My favorite part of the video (besides the shots of Madge dancing in shapewear and the shots of James Dean Lite) is after the 4:25 mark when Papa gets into deep thought about being a grandpappy as Madge wonders what he’s thinking. Papa eventually decides to support Madge and it ends with a stop-motion hug. I’d like to think that after that scene ended, Papa said to Madge, “Okay, since you’re going to be a mom and your ass is almost thirty now, maybe it’s time to put those little girl bedroom curtains and that Pink Panther stuffed animal into storage.” I know, I don’t why he was acting all upset. He should’ve been happy that Madge’s almost 30 ass was finally moving out.

And I think the lesson to be learned in that video (and I’m sure it’s a lesson that Papa told young Madge) is that you should never trust a hot piece who tucks a sleeveless shirt into his jeans.

Happy Father’s Day to all the papas, step daddies, single moms, father figures, leather daddies and sugar daddies out there!

Pic: YouTube

Dlisted

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

hsotdgavelpolicedog2017

Gavel, the police dog school drop out who was just too nice for the force!

Gavel, a German Shepherd from Queensland in Australia, comes from a family of police dogs and so he should have the hunger for catching criminals running through his doggy veins, but he doesn’t. When Gavel began his police dog training, the police department said that they expected him to be a regular Officer Stacy from T.J. Hooker, but Cadet Gavel turned out to be a character (and he’d be the best character) from Police Academy. Gavel is just too nice to be a police dog so he became a police dog flop.

The BBC says Gavel likes strangers and so if he was faced with an asshole with a gun, he’d probably wag his tail and throw “pet me pet me” eyes at the bitch. That didn’t work for the police department. Gavel shamed his family by flunking out of dog police academy. But Gavel didn’t have to sadly pack up his things and go off to the wilderness to find himself and figure out his place in life, because he quickly got the job he was meant to have.

Gavel was living at the official home of the Governor of Queensland as a foster and after he got an F in police dogging for being too sociable and cute, Governor Paul de Jersey gave him the job of Vice-Regal Dog in February. I didn’t know what that job was at first, but if it has “regal” in its title then it must be very important and very fancy. It is! Vice-Regal Gavel is basically a greeter and welcomes guests into Queensland’s Government House in Brisbane while wearing fancy clothes.

The office of Governor de Paul said this about their new VRD.

“He has outgrown four ceremonial coats, undergone a career change (his official title is now Gavel VRD, ‘Vice-Regal Dog’), and brought untold joy to the lives of the governor, Mrs de Jersey, Government House staff, and the thousands of Queenslanders who have since visited the estate.”

So Gavel got a Pixar-like happy ending, but don’t let his title as social director and his fancy uniform fool you. I bet that if anyone tried to fuck with the Governor or anyone at the Governor’s house, Gavel will immediately take care of that bitch. And by that I mean, Gavel will stun and paralyze the evil doer with doggy kisses and sweetness.

Pic: Facebook

Dlisted

Hot Slut Of The Day! 

hsotdbillinaozchicken2017

Billina, Dorothy’s talking chicken who saves EVERYONE in Return to Oz!

Toto is the friend (and pet) of Dorothy who gets all of the attention, and yes, he sometimes proves that he’s not just a pretty face. But did Toto lay an egg that was used to destroy the evil monsters who were trying to get at Dorothy? I think not.

Billina is one of Dorothy’s pets from Kansas and she was originally named “Bill,” because when she first hatched, no one knew if she was going to be a lady chicken or a dude chicken. L. Frank Baum’s acid trip facotry of a brain decided that for the third book, Ozma of Oz, in the Oz series, Dorothy needed the help of a talking chicken.

Billina made her book debut in Ozma of Oz, and she made her feature film debut in 1985’s Return to Oz, the creepy fuckery-filled masterpiece that made parents wonder if they were having another LSD flashback and made kids wonder if they’d ever sleep again. In Return to Oz, an Emo Dorothy gets sent to the looney bin and right before an evil psychiatrist is about to really mess her up with electroshock therapy, a storm hits and she escapes and ends up in a chicken coop. Dorothy wakes up with Billina by her side and Billina can magically talk (voice artiste Denise Bryer did the voice for Billina). Dorothy is back in Oz and replacing Toto as her sidekick is Billina. Billina was already a sassy bitch when she couldn’t talk human, and she really becomes a sassy bitch when she gets a human voice. It’s as if a character from Mama’s Family was transformed into an animatronic chicken.

To make a long weird, jacked-up story short, Billina helps to destroy the Nomes, who have been instructed by the Nome King to get Dorothy. Chicken eggs are a Nomes kryptonite, so Billina lays an egg and it ends up in the Nome King’s mouth, which causes his demise. Vegans truly don’t have shit on the Nomes.

Dorothy goes back to Kansas, but Billina ends up staying in Oz. She shows up in several other Oz books. If Hollywood ever decides to reboot Return to Oz (which they will since they hate us), I will be one hundred percent okay with it as long as they cast the only actress capable of taking on the important role of Billina. I’m talking about the one and only Chicken Cutlets, of course!

Pic: Walt Disney Pictures/Biff Bam Pop! (For Lahoma)

Dlisted

1 2