Last night at the Teen Choice Awards, Miley Cyrus was expected to take the stage to accept the Ultimate Choice Award which is reserved only for those most worthy of teen choosees. However, Miley pulled a last minute no-show to the shock and disappointment of thousands of teen choosers.
As we know, Miley Cyrus has done a 180 on her image, trying to erase her walk on the wild side and make us forget about that fucking tongue (#neverforget). To that end, it looks like her chosen path is through a process of rapid regression that would make Benjamin Buttons’ head spin. Miley’s message says of her new single (Via People):
“I am sooooooo EXCITED to share it with all of you!” she said. “I hope to always make people smile and shine light thru my work! I look forward to making music for the rest of my life and I’m thankful everyday for those who listen!”
Miley, likely alluding to the horror show that happened in Charlottesville over the weekend, also farted out the mildest of meaningless milquetoast messages. Via People:
“I am sending so much love and peace into the world right now because THATS what we need most! Love Love & more LOVE!”
You know who did manage to show up at the Teen Choice Awards? It’s your boi, newly single and ready to mingle Chris Pratt! People reports:
Pratt wore a casual outfit of jeans and leather jacket and was noticeably not wearing his wedding ring when he accepted his award. The actor joked about the lies he had to tell when he first moved to Hollywood before giving thanks to his “Lord and savior Jesus Christ” for getting him where he is today.
Classic Chris Pratt, proving once again that Jesus shoutouts aren’t reserved exclusively for the BET Awards. Chris was at the awards presenting with Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 costar Zoë Saldana and walked away the surfboard for Choice Action Movie Actor and Choice Sci-Fi Movie Actor. I look forward to next years ceremony where Miley will have regressed to a fetal stage and Chris Pratt is newly divorced from his third wife, in accordance with Jesus’ plan.
Hmmm…it’s almost like Warner Bros. doesn’t want another massive flop on their hands. No. That’s definitely not why this is happening. It’s just that Ben Affleck cares so much about Batman and wants to make the best gosh-darn Batman movie he can make. And apparently that means letting someone else do the job.
Ben was rumored to be doing it all for the next Batman movie, The Batman, but Variety says that he’s sticking to co-writing, producing, and acting now. Sources say that Ben’s decision has nothing to do Live By Night flopping. Ben released this statement about not directing The Batman.
“There are certain characters who hold a special place in the hearts of millions. Performing this role demands focus, passion and the very best performance I can give. It has become clear that I cannot do both jobs to the level they require. Together with the studio, I have decided to find a partner in a director who will collaborate with me on this massive film. I am still in this, and we are making it, but we are currently looking for a director. I remain extremely committed to this project, and look forward to bringing this to life for fans around the world.”
Warner Bros. released a short statement too saying simply that they support Ben’s decision and are “committed to working with him” on The Batman. Variety says there’s currentlya shortlist for possible directors, but that the only one they know of is Matt Reeves, who directed the upcoming War for the Planet of the Apes.
Ben’s Razzie nomination for Batman v Superman was probably a real wake-up call. I know he loves directing, but it’s a good thing that he’s focusing on the acting part of it. If he want’s to avoid another Razzie nomination for The Batman, he’s got to get his ass to some acting classes. Ben’s Batman needs to work on emoting at a level beyond hard staring, intense standing, and grunting like an unfrozen caveman.
If Chelsea Handler didn’t need a calming vodka and lavender tub soak after last week, she’s going to this week. If you watch Chelsea’s Netflix show, you know that she has a major political boner for Hillary Clinton. In order to be a little less biased, Chelsea booked Donald Trump supporter Ann Coulter to talk about her latest waste of paper and ink, In Trump We Trust. Well, Ann called in “sick” and you can guess how happy Chelsea was about that.
Ann was scheduled to appear on Wednesday’s taping, but right before the show, Chelsea received an email saying she was too sick to appear. Maybe she caught the sniffles from Donald Trump? Chelsea responded by setting Ann’s book on fire.
Chelsea still had a show to tape, so she put comedian Fortune Feimster in a dry blond wig to play Ann. Fortune Feimster is about as evil as a Care Bear signing an organ donation card, so her take on Ann was lacking that certain je ne sais satan that the real Ann has. Still, Chelsea went through with the interview and asked fake “Ann” all the questions she was planning to ask real Ann.
Chelsea told The Daily Beast after the taping that she really did read Ann Coulter’s book and she really was really pissed that Ann bailed on the show. Chelsea added that it was better to have Fortune because it made the show “much more fun.” So far, Ann hasn’t said anything about this mess with Chelsea. Wait, Ann hasn’t hissed back? Maybe she really is sick.
I’m sure we all wanted to see one loud big-mouthed blonde get into a slap fight with another loud big-mouthed blonde, but it’s probably for the best that Ann skipped the show. Chelsea is always joined on Chelsea by her dog Chunk and sometimes by her other dog Tammy. I have a feeling they both would have lost their snausages when they saw Ann walk on stage. I mean, you can’t wave a 6-foot tall rawhide stick in front of two dogs and expect to come out alive.