Let’s face it — the Internet can be a dark and dubious place. Sure, there are sexy John Cho gifs. But there are also WebMD pages you probably shouldn’t have looked at, and unsolicited dick pics, and Breitbart. For every random retweet that makes you feel warm and fuzzy, there’s a troll just waiting to jump in your thread and ruin your day.
But through it all, we found each other. The faceless Pajiba Overlords, and you, the readers we get up and write for every day. Together we’ve forged this little happy place amidst the chaos of the World Wide Web. We may not always agree on the Best Chris, or that pie is obviously superior to cake (OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR). But we share our outrages and obsessions, and hopefully we all click away feeling a little less alone.
Which is why we’ve decided to launch a new sort of experiment: an advice column. We know, we know — advice columns are hardly a new idea and everyone seems to be offering free advice on the Internet these days. But here’s the thing about free advice…
You get what you pay for.
And we’re taking that to heart! Which is why our advice column, «Ask Pajiba (Almost) Anything» (APAA), is not striving to be your definitive resource for good judgment. Heck, we’re not even promising that our advice will be particularly sound. It may, in fact, be actively bad — and we’re in no way recommending you actually listen to us! We’re not therapists — we’re a collection of neurotic writers with day jobs and our own messy lives to be getting on with. But between us we have vast and in some cases surprising experience, which we can leverage to answer your burning questions. Provided your burning questions are only smoldering at best, and you’re not relying entirely on us to fix your life.
Basically, think of us less as your own personal Dr. Phil, and more like an opinionated, unreliable Ask Jeeves.
Do you need:
— A recipe to cook to impress your in-laws?
— The perfect date if you’re gonna dump someone?
— Daily coping mechanisms to help you not yell at your jerk boss and get fired?
— The proper gift-giving etiquette for attending the wedding of a circus clown?
— The exact amount of velvet that could be considered TOO much velvet?
— The specific reason why Ansel Elgort’s face is so punchable?
— Confirmation that Face/Off is, in fact, the best American movie of all time?
We can help with all of that, and more! Here’s how it’ll work. Send your inquiries to email@example.com and each week we’ll select a few to answer. This will be an entirely subjective process based on how interesting the question is and/or how interestingly we feel we can answer it. We will share our advice each Tuesday. We will not post your name, though we encourage you to sign off with a fake name you’d like used with your question. Otherwise, we’ll come up with our own nickname for you… and you might not like it («Sincerely, Smells Like Grandma’s House»).
We can’t promise that every question will get a response, but we also can’t prevent you from sending us the same question each week… so we’re already at an impasse and this thing hasn’t even begun yet! LET THE GRAND EXPERIMENT BEGIN!
Disclaimer: If you are experiencing a serious life crisis, please seek professional help. In case of emergencies there are a number of free resources available, such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673), and SAMHSA’s National Helpline for Substance Abuse and Mental Health treatment referrals (1-800-662-4357). Here is a list of other resources.