One of our new guest writers was supposed to help out today, but technical difficulties kept that from happening and so there weren’t as many posts as usual. Please accept my sowwies in the form of these fap-inducing pictures of Colton Haynes as a ho’d up Miss Piggy posing for a spread in PenthouseFarmhouse magazine. Someone had to serve up a sticky palate cleaner to cleanse away the memory of seeing Katy Perry as Hillary Clinton and that someone is Colton Haynes.
Colton Haynes has been trying to get his hands on Heidi Klum’s Master of Halloween crown for the past few years. Two years ago, Colton dragged it up as Fiona from Shrek and even though he looked more like a bright green booger sculpture of Khlozilla’s original face, his costume was still a winner. Last year, Colton dragged it up as a skinny Ursula the Sea Witch after getting lipo and going on a 2-month-long Master Cleanse. And last night, Colton hit up Slutoween parties as a Miss Piggy Real Doll. If Courtney Stodden played a nurse in that Pig Face episode of The Twilight Zone, that is what she would look like.
Colton posted a bunch of pictures of him looking like Miss Piggy’s Anna Nicole Smith-obsessed auntie on Instagram, and also explained why his socks look like they were used as a clean-up rag after an orgy in the pig pen.
Me posing with my dirty socks that I had to walk in once my 8inch platforms broke & my top fell off. The best Halloween ever!!!
If you didn’t want to sleep at night due to the urge of fapping keeping you up, here’s Colton working his rubber chichis:
World Series Game #5 on Fox at 8:00pm ET. The Cleveland Indians could take the title home tonight, much to the dismay of Chicago fans as well as sports writers who were salivating at the story possibilities of a Cubs win.
The Walking Dead on AMC at 9:00pm ET.
Westworld on HBO at 9:00pm ET. I’ve been seeing a lot of different theories flying around about this show, some a lot more plausible than others. It always makes me wonder how the creators feel when they read them on the internet. Like, are they sitting there calmly thinking «man, it’ll be great when they see what that’s leading up to» or is it more «oh, fuck, we should have thought of that first»? I’m guessing a little bit of both, and I’m fascinated by the internet has introduced this sort of immediate feedback dynamic between creators and their audiences, at a point where creators are all but helpless to actually integrate that feedback.
Elementary on CBS at 10:00pm ET. 100th episode. Yay! The CBS show we don’t make fun of constantly has its 100th episode. Good for them.
The Strain on FX at 10:00pm ET. Third season finale.
Katy Perry sure knows how to throw a party. On Saturday night, the «Rise» singer, who turned 32 on Oct. 25, threw herself a sock hop birthday party that also doubled as a Halloween bash at the American Legion Post in LA. The celebration was ’50s-inspired and included a band, school buses, vintage cars, a giant game of Twister, and Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe impersonators. Kate Hudson and Nina Dobrev came to impress in their Halloween costumes, as did boyfriend Orlando Bloom, who dressed up as a high school jock. The best costume, perhaps, belonged to the birthday girl herself, who went as Principal Hudson, an ode to her birth name, Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson.
Katy documented her night on Instagram, sharing a handful of videos from the bash and a photo of her makeup artist getting her ready for the event, writing, «Thanks @COVERGIRL for keeping everyone clean-cut and QT at Hudson High, Home of the Poodles. 💋, Principal Hudson. #KatyxCOVERGIRL.» Kate also got in on the fun, posting snaps of her and a few friends posing in a classroom, captioning one, «Happy birthday Hudson! 🎂 #SockHop.»
Kevin Jonas and wife Danielle welcomed their second child, a baby girl named Valentina Angelina, on Oct. 27, and in the midst of the Halloween madness, Kevin just introduced his daughter to the world with a precious Instagram photo. On Sunday, the proud father uploaded a snap of him holding Valentina in what looks like a hospital. He captioned the sweet shot, «Say hello to my newest love Valentina.» While Danielle has yet to give us a look at her little bundle of joy, Valentina now joins the couple’s 2-year-old daughter Alena.
Fernwood Elementary School in Chicago was all set to co-host a so-called “Christian” haunted house that included a recreation of the Pulse nightclub massacre, but are now backing out and disavowing the event, Chicago Public School officials told the Windy City Times (a local LGBT weekly).
Michael Phelps and Nicole Johnson secretly tied the knot on June 13 in Paradise Valley, AZ, however, the couple held another wedding ceremony on the beach in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico on Saturday. Nicole wore a beautiful custom gown by designer Julie Vino, while Michael looked dapper in a light grey tux. That same day, Nicole shared a photo from her big day on Instagram, writing, «Truly the happiest day of my life @m_phelps00 thank you @boonestudios for capturing this day 😘» Michael also expressed similar sentiments, posting a shot of him and Nicole walking down the aisle, and captioning it, «My best friend…. I love you!!»
Michael and Nicole — who has now changed her Instagram name to Mrs. Nicole Phelps — first began dating in 2007, and after taking a short break in 2011, the pair reunited in 2014. The Olympic swimmer popped the question in February 2015, and a little over a year later, they welcomed their first child, a beautiful baby boy named Boomer Phelps. Congrats to the happy couple!
After dressing up as a skeleton for her Halloween dinner on Friday night, Kylie Jenner took things up a notch and re-created Christina Aguilera‘s iconic look from her 2002 «Dirrty» music video at a Halloween party on Saturday night. Clad in a red-and-white-striped bikini top, leather chaps, blonde extensions, blue contact lenses, and fake piercings, not only did Kylie totally nail Christina’s look, but she even got the dance moves down too. If this is how great she looked two days before Halloween, we can’t wait to see what she does on the actual holiday.
Celebs, for the most part, wore tastefully nostalgic or just plain sexy costumes this Halloween weekend. A merciful lack of “Make America Great Again” hats and Trump masks makes it easier to forget about the potential of electoral apocalypse, at least until Monday.