Looks Like Dabo Swinney Spent Some Of That Contract Extension Money On A Sweet New Segway

You know how I can tell Dabo Swinney is really enjoying that brand new 8 year, $ 54 million extension he signed last Friday? Because no football coach is this happy heading into the first weekend of the season. Most of them have been up for the last 72 hours, they’ve been staying at the office overnight watching film, and making those last minute adjustments so they can start the year off on the right foot.

Dabo? He’s just cruising through the hallways on his sweet new customized Clemson segway.

That’s the face of a man who just got himself a fat ring back in January and has loads of cash rolling into his bank account every other week. Not a worry in the world, so he’s just going to F around on his new toy.

Here are the details of that new deal


Sports Gossip, Sexy WAGs, NFL and Hot Cheerleaders: BustedCoverage

Open Post: Hosted By Mariah Carey’s Closet Of Magic

Mariah Carey in Paris

Fact: the greatest piece of television history is Mariah Carey’s episode of Cribs (mostly for the literal cat fight with her poor pussy who spends most of the episode swapping “Can you believe this bish has us working overtime?” glares with most of Mimi’s staff). It’s been too long since we’ve seen inside Mimi’s palace. Luckily, the team at Vogue recently got a tour inside her closet.

Most gays would give up RuPaul’s Drag Race just to have grown up in a closet like Mariah’s. It starts with Mariah declaring, “I’m not as casual as most people, but I guess I could be?” No Mariah, never! Keep clutching that monogrammed champagne flute. She notes how she arranges her dresses – a mix of Ice Capades and Delta Sky Club attendant frocks – around her closet because…wait for it… “they’re there.”

She then looks up to a pink Birkin and says this:

“This pink one is a gift from Floyd Mayweather, and he told me, every time somebody asks to make sure they know it’s a gift from Floyd. So it’s from the champ.”

Champ of fugly taste in purses! She then points to a much nicer black one and notes: “And this is from me to me.” Don’t need no man! Except for, you know, the nights she has custody of Bryan Tanaka.

The rest of the time, she reveals she basically scoured the Marilyn Monroe estate sale like a vulture, because she has Marilyn’s old piano and even has the compact Marilyn used to hold an acceptance speech for the Golden Globes. Mariah says she prefers to wear lingerie to walk around the house. Somehow, I am all but certain that means hopping up on Marilyn’s old piano with that bottle of Veuve and singing “Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend” to any minion, animal, or Tanaka in whistle register distance.

The only unfabulous part of Mariah’s closet tour was when she ruined the fantasy by showing what her favorite shoes were:

mariahshoe

Yep, the next time you pick up the kids from swim practice, know they’re bounding out of the community center rocking whatever bacteria resides in the pool AND the Elusive Chanteuse’s favorite footwear!

Pic: Wenn.com

Dlisted

Method Woman: Let’s Talk About Hilary Swank

Hilary Swank is a two-time Oscar and Golden Globe winning actress who has worked with esteemed directors like Brian De Palma, Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones. Roger Ebert called her ‘astonishing’ in his review of Million Dollar Baby. She has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, has played Amelia Earhart and Brandon Teena, and worked as a child actress for several years. She has been praised for her steadfast commitment to her work and all-consuming method of acting that is usually seen as the reserve of men in the business. Hilary Swank is Hollywood made flesh.

This month, Hilary Swank launched a lifestyle brand.

In an interview with InStyle, Swank talked about Mission Statement, a luxury activewear brand she describes as the next step in athleisure. When asked if she had always wanted to have her own clothing line, Swank is honest and says no. Her reasons for starting one, she says, are rooted in filling a gap in the market, but it’s what she says next that reveals so much, and emphasises the robustness of Swank’s life narrative, one that played a prominent part during two successful awards campaigns:

I also had a lot of people coming up to me and saying, «You fought for living your dream, and it’s encouraged me to never give up on mine»… I’m very much inspired by people who persevere through adversity—if we can continue to share stories about where we’ve come from and what we want to achieve, it helps us feel less alone in our insecurities and pushes us to be our greatest selves.’

Triumph over adversity is something that Hilary Swank knows all too well. She did it at 24, winning an Oscar for a star-making performance of intense commitment in Boys Don’t Cry, then repeated the miracle five years later with similar focus and fairytale goodness in Million Dollar Baby. She may have elicited a few eye-rolls with her second speech and the line of being ‘a girl from a trailer park who had a dream’, but the potency of that rags to riches narrative still stands. Yet still, with everything in place and the stars aligned in her favour, Hilary Swank is seldom talked about in terms of intense respect or excitement. She’s got two Oscars, but she’s still a woman in Hollywood over the age of 40 so of course she has to create a side-hustle of $ 145 bras.

Hilary Swank 1.jpg

Swank was born in Lincoln, Nebraska, and moved to a trailer park in Washington when she was 6. At school, she excelled at gymnastics but struggled academically in part due to ADHD. Acting was where she found focus and a sense of belonging, and so at the age of 15 she moved to Los Angeles with her mother to pursue it as a career. At one point, with money so low, the pair of them ended up living in their car until they could save up money to rent an apartment. When talking about this dark part of her life in interviews, Swank remains focused on her optimism. In an interview with the Times Leader, she refuses to dwell on the tough times, saying, ‘I can’t say that I was ever hopeless because I had this whole idea of what I wanted to do with my life. And my mom always believed in me.’

The work began to trickle in during her late teens, including a two-episode part in Growing Pains, a main role on a quickly cancelled ABC sitcom called Camp Wilder, and her big-screen debut in the original movie of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Her first starring role came in The Next Karate Kid, when she was 20, continuing the industry’s fine tradition of adults playing teens. Most of her reviews were encouraging, but it was hard to get over the reality of the film she starred in being so unnecessary and ineptly executed. It was a critical and financial flop, so Swank moved onto TV movies and direct-to-video fare. It was on one of these projects, Quiet Days in Hollywood, where Swank met her future husband Chad Lowe. The pair became a quiet celeb couple, with Lowe easily more famous than Swank in those early days. After all, he was the brother of Rob Lowe, an Emmy winner for his work on Life Goes On, and he had a recurring role on the wildly popular Melrose Place. During this time, Swank’s career was dwindling. In 1997, she landed what she assumed would be her next big role in Beverly Hills 90210, playing single mother Carly Reynolds. Her contract was for two years: The writers got rid of her after 16 episodes. In an interview with the Sunday Morning Herald, Swank is candid in her admission of how much the sacking crushed her: ‘They sacked me because I wasn’t a good enough actress. I was devastated. I thought, if I’m not good enough for 90210, I’m not good enough for anything. I’ll never make it.’

Hilary Swank 90210.jpg

Fortunately, losing that gig freed her up to prepare for the role that would change everything. Boys Don’t Cry was the passion project of director Kimberly Peirce, and one that carried a major weight with it. Centred on the true story of Brandon Teena, a young trans man whose brutal rape and murder led to increased lobbying for hate crimes laws in the USA, Peirce spent several years working on a script for the story, and many more looking for the right actor to play the part. Many big names apparently sought out the role, while an equal amount of major stars avoided it for fear of the stigma attached.

For Swank, the project was an ideal opportunity to show her skills beyond the confines of soap operas and TV movies. After sending in an audition tape to Peirce, she turned up to the Tribeca Film Centre in New York in men’s clothes, borrowed from her husband, to meet the diector. The doorman called up Peirce and said, ‘There’s this guy here. He says he has a reading. Should I send him up?’ That proved encouraging, and it was in the confidence with which Swank inhabited men’s clothes that she found her Brandon Teena, even though Swank had lied about her age. When confronted on this, Swank’s response was ‘But that’s what Brandon would do.’ Immediately after being cast, Peirce took Swank to the barbers and had Swank shear off her hair and dye the short remains brown. Chad Lowe only recognised her afterwards because he remembered she was wearing his shirt.

The preparation for the role was intense. Swank lived as a man for a month, bandaging her chest and deepening the register of her voice as well as losing a lot of weight. Her husband ‘introduced’ her to family and friends, and she fooled a number of them. When on set, she stayed in character and wouldn’t let the crew see her out of costume. Her work was the sort of focused Method acting we hear about all the time with men, from Leo DiCaprio’s liver-munching self-flagellation in The Revenant to Daniel Day-Lewis’s entire filmography.

Hilary Swank Boys Dont Cry.jpg

There have always been women actors who used Stanislavski’s system, and many women were renowned for teaching it, like Stella Adler. At its core, Method acting is just the ways an actor is encouraged to tap into their own experiences to create deeper emotional resonance in their work, but nowadays it carries a heavier and more awkward weight. Everyone’s heard stories of the actor so dedicated to their role that they never left character and caused havoc on set as a result. Jared Leto seems to have made a solid career out of this lately, although the veracity of some of his claims have been refuted, even by Leto himself. Now, talking of yourself as a Method actor is to promote yourself in intensely masculine terms. Jane Fonda and Meryl Streep are famous for using the authentic method system, but if they started pulling Dustin Hoffman tactics, there’s little chance any director would tolerate it. With Swank, the low-budget nature of the production and the focus of the material gave her a creative freedom a bigger actress, or indeed most actresses, would never have, and it saw her take home the Oscar for Best Actress at the age of 25.

Boys Don’t Cry is a brilliant film that is tender in its romance and unflinching in its brutalities, but it’s also a strange one to watch now that we have a greater understanding of LGBTQ+ representation in the media and the prevalence of cisgender actors playing transgender roles. Swank is one of many actors who have played trans characters and received major mainstream acclaim for it, and her work, as stellar as it is, has contributed to the very real problem of pop culture treating trans stories as awards bait. At the time, the film was anything but that — it was a tiny budgeted drama with indie stars in the main roles and helmed by a first time director who was also a gay woman. You couldn’t make this film now and cast a cis woman as Brandon Teena without facing (entirely justified) backlash. It would be difficult to avoid the assumption that going to such lengths to play a trans character would be deemed not only awards worthy but ‘brave’ for an actor of any gender to do. Hollywood, much like the rest of our cis-defined society, still sees trans and gender non-conforming identity as a costume to don, and something that allows a cis person to immerse themselves in further ‘work’ to show off their acting chops. It certainly worked for Swank. She’s wonderful in the role, and as strong an example for how to play a trans role as a cis actor (if Hollywood must insist) as I can think of, but the obsessive focus on her ‘transformation’ into someone so different from herself, into being less pretty by the industry’s standards, certainly didn’t hurt her chances.

Hilary Swank 1st Oscar.jpg

Winning an Oscar so young — the ideal age the Academy likes to anoint its bright young women of the future — was part of the fairytale narrative for Swank, but the reality of her situation less rosy. She only earned $ 3000 working on the film, too low to qualify for health insurance. The roles that followed were hardly stellar either. There were hits, both commercial (The Gift) and critical (Christopher Nolan’s wonderful drama Insomnia), but for someone who had just won an Oscar, this didn’t feel like the step up you would imagine such a prestigious honour would lead to. Swank had proven her talents in the most bombastic manner possible, with the kind of singular devotion that would cement a man’s career in legendary status, yet here she was doing shlock like The Core. It’s telling that her Wikipedia page lumps her two Oscar wins under one sub-category, with little discussion of everything that happened in-between.

Clint Eastwood, director of Million Dollar Baby, has confidence in Swank’s acting skills when he started casting his boxing drama, centred on an old-school boxing trainer who partners up with a woman looking for her big break in the sport. What concerned her was her lithe physicality, which didn’t scream ‘fighter’ to him. For an actress of such discipline, the role of Maggie was just another chance to show her commitment to the work. This time around, her prep for the role would require bulking up, gaining 19 pounds of muscle through three solid months of training six days a week to box like a pro. Throughout this, she developed a blister on her foot the size of her palm, one that led to a potentially life threatening staph bacteria infection. According to Swank, when she finally went to the doctor to check it out, he told her she was hours away from the infection reaching her heart. She never told Eastwood about it, because, as she explained, ‘that’s what happens to boxers. They get blisters, they get infected. They have injuries and they keep pushing through it.’ Brandon would lie about his age, and Maggie would just fight through the pain.

Hilary Swank Million Dollar Baby.jpg

By the age of 30, Swank had two Oscars for Best Actress, putting her on level footing with actresses like Vivien Leigh, Jane Fonda and Bette Davis. That may be part of the reason why Swank isn’t as strongly remembered for her stellar achievements as other actresses are. There is still an overwhelming narrative from some critics that Swank’s wins were undeserved, or too soon in her career. Both years she was nominated, she beat out actresses like Janet McTeer, Julianne Moore, Meryl Streep, Imelda Staunton and Kate Winslet. She also beat out Annette Bening twice. The Oscars have never been dictated solely by ideas of merit or who ‘deserves’ them, nor have any awards bodies. It’s always about the timing, the people, the story, the work, and sheer dumb luck. For Hilary Swank, the stars aligned perfectly both times, but none of that could have happened without her skills.

It’s a shame she was given so few opportunities to use those skills effectively in her post-Oscar roles. What is striking is that, even in the bad films, she is always rising above the material, and she is never a love interest. She has done romance, like the box office hit P.S. I Love You, but there she was front and centre, not hanging onto the male hero’s arm. There were other more suitably dramatic opportunities following Million Dollar Baby, but lightning did not strike for a third time: Her performance in Amelia is spot on but the film tries hard for golden age sentimentality and lands on twee; Conviction saw her stand out amidst a vibrant ensemble but the film fizzled at the box office; and Tommy Lee Jones gave her a role to die for in The Homesman, a bleak Western with a feminist slant, but it couldn’t break out to a bigger audience. In an interview on Netflix’s Chelsea, she also talked about being offered 1/20th the salary of a young male actor for a major film, despite being the bigger name and having two Oscars on her mantle. Being a winner means something totally different for a woman than it does a man.

Swank’s post-Oscar shine was also tainted by the media’s portrayal of her marriage. After her first win, she forgot to mention Chad Lowe in her acceptance speech, something that is still brought up as one of the great Oscar night gaffes. It was clearly an omission devoid of malice, and merely the brain fart of a woman under the pressure of the world, but it was something that seemed to bother Swank. She was asked about it a lot, and you could practically hear the cogs whizzing in her head every time she gave a speech following that, reminding herself repeatedly to not forget Chad. After the second win, she quickly mentioned him, but now the gossip was focused on the impending Oscar Curse: How long before the inevitable split? It seemed to have struck so many Oscar winning women, and the message was clear regarding notions of ‘whipped’ husbands and alpha wives. I remember reading a tabloid after Swank’s second win that spent pages with a ‘body language expert’ picking apart how every photo of Swank with Lowe was further proof that he resented being outshone by his more famous and celebrated wife. The media already had its narrative of Swank not being ready for two Oscar wins, but now that pressure included the insinuation that such vaulting ambition was unbecoming of a wife. Swank and Lowe divorced in 2007, two years after her second Oscar, in part because of Lowe’s substance abuse problems. No curse, just life, but the story remained.

There’s a three year gap in Swank’s filmography, from 2011 to 2014, where she appeared in no films (although she did star in a TV movie). She had no work released in 2016 either. Part of this could just be the ways of Hollywood and not wanting to accept subpar work, but Swank has also been open about a reality of her life that few publicly talk about. In a 2015 HuffPost Live interview, she talked about taking a break from her work to become the sole caretaker of her father, who had been through a lung transplant. Women are usually the default family carers, with the work consistently coded as feminine, but there’s still something sharp about seeing a two time Oscar winner with a decent amount of money in the bank publicly acknowledge her role in that dynamic. In a similar way to how she discussed the bleakness of her period of homelessness with her mother as a time of hope, Swank is warm and positive in talking about her role as her dad’s carer as something that has strengthened their bond.

Hilary Swank Mission Statement.jpg

Now, we’re seeing more of Hilary Swank in the world. She has a standout supporting role in Logan Lucky and has been attached to Alejandro González Iñárritu’s long-gestating TV series The One Percent for three years. She’s set to play Gail Getty in Danny Boyle’s FX anthology series Trust next year. TV could be a good fit for Swank, offering her richer and more satisfying roles than the film world ever can. Swank isn’t really viewed as a celebrity, which seems to suit her fine, but she really deserves to be seen more deservingly as the actress of exceptional talent that she is. The quickness with such some dismiss her two Oscar wins by the age of 30 seems rooted more in narrow notions of worthiness than any indication of the quality of her work. Wouldn’t it be nice to see a woman’s achievements lauded for the wonders that they are without someone chiming in with a ‘Well, actually…’, just for once?

Pajiba

Buy This Clemson Tigers 2015 Coachmen Concord Tailgate RV

via Craigslist

For Clemson fans who take their tailgating very seriously, we’ve found a ride that may pique your interest in the 2015 Coachmen Concord RV above. It’s quite the splurge purchase at $ 63,700, but you won’t have to carry the burden of potential breakdowns on the road as it’s a recent model with just 14,700 miles on the odometer.

Also, should we talk about this custom wrap that has both tigers and tiger cubs?

via Craigslist

via Craigslist

Adorable stuff, no doubt. Whether that’s enough to sway you to drop over $ 60K on this is another question.

Details from the Craigslist ad:

2015 CONCORD CLASS C MOTORHOME WITH CUSTOM CLEMSON TIGERS WRAP !!!

ONLY 14,700 MILES !
ONE OF A KIND, PERFECT FOR TAILGATING !
ULTRA CLEAN, IT IS A MUST SEE !!!

MICROWAVE/CONVECTION COMBO
* 30″ LCD TV AM/FM/CD STEREO
* DVD PLAYER
* 4KW GAS GENERATOR
* AWNING FOR SLIDE OUT
* CRUISE CONTROL

The interior looks like any other motorhome so that’s a bit of bummer. Some Clemson fixtures would’ve been a nice touch to put it over the top.

[Craigslist]

via Craigslist


Sports Gossip, Sexy WAGs, NFL and Hot Cheerleaders: BustedCoverage

Big Baller Brand Unveils LaMelo Ball’s $395 Signature Shoe

Do you want to play ball like a 16-year-old high school student? Do you also have around $ 400 to recklessly drop on basketball sneakers that aren’t Adidas, Nike, or Jordan Brand? If so, then you might want to take a look at Big Baller Brand’s latest money grab, the “Melo Ball 1s”.

That’s right, Chino Hills star LaMelo Ball is officially the first high school player to have his own sneaker. Big Baller Brand dropped the big reveal video on these $ 395 kicks ($ 100 cheaper than the ZO2s!) today:

I don’t know about you guys, but nothing makes me want to go out and buy basketball sneakers like a montage of a high school kid hitting trick shots in his backyard.

Something to watch going forward is LaMelo’s college eligibility at UCLA:

As for the MB1s, they’re available for preorder at BigBallerBrand.com and will ship by Dec. 23. No returns or exchanges, because Big Ballers don’t order the wrong shoe size.


Sports Gossip, Sexy WAGs, NFL and Hot Cheerleaders: BustedCoverage

Mark May Tweets That An Ohio State Grad Doctor Saved His Life

Here’s a feel good story for your Thursday afternoon. Mark May, who spent years and years on ESPN shamelessly criticizing Ohio State whether it was warranted or not, apparently had his life saved earlier this month by a doctor who just happened to be an OSU graduate.

Most people already know the history between Ohio State and Mark May, but here’s a quick refresher for those who don’t: Mark May played football at Pitt and while he was there, the Buckeyes came to town and shoved a  72-0 spot right down their throats. Since then, at every turn while he was at ESPN, he took the opportunity to trash OSU. Naturally, Buckeye fans hate his guts.

But here we are now, a few months after May was laid off at ESPN, and he tweets these photos out of him with his OSU grad doctor who apparently saved his life. He hasn’t gone into details about what exactly happened and why he’s getting treatment, but he made sure to point out that the doctor was, in fact, a Buckeye. He gave an update earlier today.

Happy ending.

If you want to catch Mark May’s scorching hot takes these days, he just signed a deal with 103.7 The Buzz in Arkansas

A brief history of Mark May vs. Ohio State via GameDay signs


Sports Gossip, Sexy WAGs, NFL and Hot Cheerleaders: BustedCoverage

Coach Gruden Stops By To Tell Us Some Incredible Football Stories…Seriously…It’s Coach Gruden

Jon Gruden’s an Ohio guy. Born in Sandusky. Played college ball (barely, as he acknowledges) at Dayton. Football guys guy. His dad was an Ohio football guy and once coached at Fremont High School, about an hour southeast of Toledo. Jon once installed a Raiders offensive package for Charles Woodson called “Fremont.”

Of course Gruden was the perfect interview for Uncle BC. I live in this area where the Grudens have deep ties. I have Ohio questions for days. I even brought in Michigan Man Bellino (@ACBellinofrom the growing BC Friday Show on Facebook to handle the hosting duties for this one because this will pretty much become a feather in his broadcasting career.

He’ll be using this forever.

What did we learn from Coach Gruden:

• Keep your tailgating simple. Cold Corona, burgers, good tunes

• Coach tells us why, in 1984, that he wanted to become the University of Michigan football coach

• We also learned how many pushups his son, Deuce, would need to spot him in a pushup contest

• And maybe my favorite nugget, we get a story about Coach Gruden climbing on a motel roof to watch a practice and what happened when the coach saw him up there

Facebook – CoronaExtraUSA      Instagram – @CoronaExtraUSA      Twitter – @coronaextrausa


Sports Gossip, Sexy WAGs, NFL and Hot Cheerleaders: BustedCoverage

William and Harry’s Young Ages When Diana Died Are Still Shocking

When Princess Diana died in August 1997, she left behind two sons, Prince William and Prince Harry. William and Harry were 15 and 12, respectively, at the time and were wrapping up their Summer with their grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II, at Balmoral Castle in Scotland when they found out about the tragic news. Now, 20 years later, William says he still feels the shock of his mother’s death. «The shock is the biggest thing,» he recently said in a BBC documentary. «I still have shock within me. You know, 20 years later. People go ‘shock can’t last that long’ but it does. You never get over it. It’s such an unbelievably big moment in your life that it never leaves you, you just learn to deal with it.»

As the 20th anniversary of Diana’s death approaches, William and Harry have set up a memorial at Buckingham Palace. They’ve selected most of the items on display, including a pair of Diana’s beloved ballet shoes, a personalized school trunk, her old Kensington Palace desk, and a case full of her cassettes featuring albums by Diana Ross, Elton John, and George Michael. Will and Harry also released a handful of sweet photographs from Diana’s personal photo album, which will be featured in their new documentary for ITV and HBO, Diana, Our Mother: Her Life and Legacy.

POPSUGAR Celebrity

In Case You Weren’t Sure, Everything Is Good Between Corinne Olympios And DeMario Jackson

corinneolympios

When Corinne Olympios appeared on a Bachelor in Paradise reunion show Tuesday night in her best attempt at an Ariana Grande hair tutorial, she issued an apology to DeMario Jackson (via rose wrangler Chris Harrison) for all the drama that went down during the first weekend of filming. She also claimed she didn’t really remember the incident, because she had drank too much booze while taking medication. It wrapped everything up into a tidy little reality TV package, and closed the door on that chapter.

Maybe there were a couple viewers who wondered if Corinne’s apology was orchestrated by Warner Bros. head honchos, standing behind the camera, mouthing the words “Don’t forget the part about the pills!” while making invisible pill bottle-shaking hand motions. Well no, Corinne and DeMario are absolutely, for-real all good now. TMZ caught up with Corinne and DeMario outside of a club last night in Los Angeles, and they made it very clear there’s no bad blood. No literally, Corinne says it twice.

TMZ seems to think this is all a little too good to be true. I can see how they might be suspicious. Personally, the only way I’m allowing a jump-hug like that is if I’m getting paid to do it (you gotta get that money in case you throw your damn back out!). But then again, DeMario does make a joke about how his “PR is going to hate this in the morning.” Oh DeMario, surely you’re not that naive. This is exactly the sort of thing a publicist likes to wake up to. Did you get attention? Check! The only thing they’d hate is if it happened and no cameras were around. DeMario, you’re going to be fine.

Pic: YouTube

Dlisted

‘The Layover’ Review: Or The Movie That Made Me Pine For The Sweet Release Of Death

I have seen into the abyss, and it has drained from me my very will to live. Which is to say, I have seen The Layover.

On its surface this female-fronted comedy seems like a Bride Wars ripoff, where two beautiful women—one blonde (Kate Upton) and one brunette (Alexandra Daddario)—fight over some silly girl thing, like the best wedding, or here some hunky blond dude (Matt Barr. [Imagine if Abercrombie rebooted Captain Ron, adding youth while washing away his strangely alluring scrunginess along with any trace of personality.]) However, penned by It’s Always Sunny‘s David «Rickety Cricket» Hornsby and Lance Krall and helmed by Shameless‘s William H. Macy, this so-called comedy isn’t actually about women. It’s about petty, vicious, vindictive hell beasts in women skin-suits who set out to make everyone around them miserable. That’s the only way to explain lines like:

Blonde Hell Beast: «Hurricanes are notoriously unpredictable—«
Brunette Hell Beast: «That’s why they name them after women!»

See, it’s funny because misogyny!

The Blonde Hell Beast goes by «Meg,» and she’s a flirty, lying wannabe entrepreneur, who peddles dangerous skin care products that attract bees and make lips bleed. The Brunette Hell Beast is called Kate, and she’s a prudish and neurotic teacher, who seems superficially less evil than her cohort because she doesn’t cut lines or blackmail concierges. Just you wait, because when hot guy Ryan literally comes between them (in the middle seat of a flight to Florida), these beautiful beasts begin a contest to one-up each other in awful.

When a hurricane leaves these three stranded in St. Louis, Kate and Meg make everything from wearing dresses and dancing, to wearing swimsuits and diving into a competition. That might seem unlikely or outright insane, but the script sets up such unhinged behavior by establishing both women hell beasts enjoy watching The Bachelor. So, of course they’ll sabotage each other with drugged wine and literally shitty bathroom shenanigans, or embarrass each other by drudging up painful childhood memories like being called «scrotum head.» Because hell beasts, amirite?

Upton and Daddario manage to bring some life and charm to this monstrosity. But mostly, they are subject to the material, which is sexist, stupid, and doggedly unfunny. Which leaves you to wonder why they signed on at all, then to muse how sparse lead roles on female-fronted anything are in Hollywood, and then further consider how it’s no wonder we can’t get a woman president when women can’t even tell stories for women about women, even for a low-budget buddy comedy. And then you’re just mad an Hornsby and Krall and Macy, because come the fuck on. You don’t need to be a woman to write or direct one. Hell, even having met one woman ever should have yielded a better understanding of the female experience than what this rank collection of lame and insulting shit offers.

Do you feel sick to your stomach? Yeah. That’ll happen with The Layover. And probably before Daddario is literally covered head to toe in feces. I guess because Bridesmaids had that poop joke that worked, so women like that right? But more likely, this was never meant to be for women. That’d explain why Macy cast two frequent pin-up girls in the lead roles, then worried less about giving them good jokes of character complexity, and more about being sure they strip down to bathing suits. Despite the praise Daddario received for True Detective and the promise Upton showed in The Other Woman, both are treated as little more than boner-sporting bro bait. Who needs compelling heroines when dumb broads will come along anyway because chick flick, female friendship, hot guy, yadda yadda?

You can tell this movie was never intended for women, because the costuming is entirely made up of deeply unfortunate outfits. Kate Upton—famous for her bikini bod—is harnessed into a teal one-piece swimsuit that somehow makes her look downright frumpy. Meanwhile Daddario’s amazing figure spends most of the film flopped in ill-fitting blouses and clutching blazers in drab colors, while her hair is resolutely pulled into mousy pigtails (when it’s not covered in shit). It’s like the first half of She’s All That, except stupider because The Layover isn’t for children. The extended—yet bizarrely unsexy—sex scene assures that. IF this were a movie made with women in mind, the outfits would at least attempt to cater to female fantasies of elegance and enviable fashion, instead of opportunely pointing out «BOOBS!»

But hey, there’s a message at play beneath all this viciousness. And as you might expect from a movie about the mission of hell beasts, it’s pretty fucked up. To learn its dark secrets you must suffer some spoilers. After both Kate and Meg have managed to bone crooked-dick Ryan (yes, he has a crooked dick), they learn he is a crooked dick! He’s about to get married. So they decide to «save the day» for his bride-to-be by crashing and confessing how they both banged her groom. But then they meet her (and her unfortunate excuse for a wedding dress), and she’s a demanding bitch who berates Ryan in front of them. So she doesn’t deserve to know the truth because «Karma is a bitch.»

But worry not for our hell beasts, because Karma is only a bitch for people. Kate—despite having made no changes in her life—will be rewarded with a random promotion at work, and Meg will set up a sequel by snagging the normal-looking Nice Guy (Matt Jones), who spent the whole movie drooling over her. By kissing a normal guy, she’ll no doubt give hope to all the drooling fan boys. But more importantly, Meg is definitely going to murder Nice Guy Craig. I’ve seen enough Investigation Discovery episodes to recognize this setup.

You know that sensation after you’ve vomited? I don’t mean a bit of upchuck. I mean like, when your body surrenders itself to turning inside out, and you see bits of kale in the bile and think, «when the hell did I eat kale!?» You feel absolutely awful during. But when it’s done, and you’ve got it all out, you feel sickly, weak, and still pretty awful. That’s how I feel right now about The Layover. Death would be a sweet release after witnessing this.

Kristy Puchko reviews a bunch of movies. Find more reviews of hers here.

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