Miley Cyrus went all out for Liam Hemsworth and sister Noah Cyrus’s joint birthday party on Friday. Liam rang in his 27th year with an N.W.A.-themed bash complete with giant pizzas, tattoos, and weed goodie bags, courtesy of Snoop Dogg. The party was a star-studded affair that included appearances by Elsa Pataky, Ashley Greene, and Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne. Earlier in the day, Miley gave Liam a special shout-out on Instagram, writing, «Happiest birthday EVER to my favorite being EVER EVER EVER! You have been my best friend since the day we met….. I am beyond lucky to share sooooo many animals with you!!! 🐷🦄🐶😻🐣 I love you @liamhemsworth.» All we know is this party is going to be hard to top.
The upcoming Cowboys-Packers divisional game probably has a lot of people wishing both teams could lose somehow. There’s nothing worse than two overly successful franchises, who constantly get shoved down our collective throats, go toe-to-toe, am I right?
However, we’ve come across one determining factor that could swing the population in favor of the Packers — Mike McCarthy’s smoke daughter, Alex Noel. She seems to enjoy the perks of “Take Your Daughter to Work Day:”
Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump started last night’s Saturday Night Live cold open by noting “Yes, this is real life. This is really happening.”
Truer words and all that! It was revealed this week that US intelligence agencies were given info that our incoming president allegedly might have been compromised- sorry, “kompromated-ed,” by the Russians. With what, you ask?
Trump allegedlysupposedlymighthavebutnothignhasbeenconfirmed hosted a pee party with some hookers in Moscow and there’s said to be video of the affair.
Trump also held his first press conference since July this week, and it was a bizarre and downright depressing affair in which he claimed that he wouldn’t be into golden showers, because he’s “a germaphobe.” Then Trump got into a verbal catfight with a CNN reporter. That sort of lightheaded feeling you’re experiencing? You haven’t developed vertigo. It’s just our country circling the global drain. I guess just hold on to something and pray?
It’s hard to top what actually happened on Wednesday — he brought up “cameras in the strangest places” and called CNN “fake news” — but SNL did its best, with Alec Baldwin’s Trump hyping Inauguration Day by boasting, “Hold on to your tits and bits, because we have 3 Doors Down.” He also unleashed a steady stream of pee-based puns, including, “This country will be literally showered with jobs, because I am a major wiz at jobs.” Did a shirtless Vladimir Putin show up holding a VHS with the label “Pee Pee Tape”? Of course he did.
Per usual, only one thing gave me comfort this week while watching the latest chapter in our country’s alarmingly rapid decline. I knew I was going to see this last night:
Beck Bennett as Russian despot Vladimir Putin’s nipples are the only thing getting me through this national crisis. They’re better than a teddy bear or drinking until I’m unresponsive and paramedics have to come.
Watch last night’s SNL cold open below.
It looks like things are getting serious between Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. So serious, in fact, that the royal introduced the Suits actress to Kate Middleton and Princess Charlotte, Us Weekly reports. According to a source, Meghan met Harry’s sister-in-law and niece at Apartment 1A in Kensington Palace on Jan. 10, and «Meghan’s so happy she’s getting to know more of Harry’s nearest and dearest.» The insider also revealed that the meeting «went well,» and Meghan bought a leather-bound Smythson notebook for Kate, whose birthday was the day before. Prince George reportedly missed out on all the fun because he had school, so he stayed behind with a nanny at Anmer Hall.
Meghan and Kate’s meetup comes four months after Meghan was introduced to Harry’s father, Prince Charles, and less than a month after Harry whisked Meghan away to see the Northern Lights in Norway. Ah, love.
We’ve seen stuff like this before, die hard fans go all out ahead of a big game and do something crazy to go viral. Usually, it’s some sort of tattoo predicting a Super Bowl or National Championship. This time a Cowboys fan went the safe route and just got a giant Zeke Elliott face shaved into the back of his head.
It’s smart because if the Cowboys lose this afternoon, all you have to do is throw a hat on for a few days until the hair grows back and then you’re golden. You don’t have to deal with a lifelong tattoo like this guy had to get after betting a Cowboys Super Bowl a couple of years back.
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, the biggest circus in the world and self-styled “Greatest Show On Earth” is packing up the big top after 146 years. 146 years! That’s A LOT of assuredly depressed animals. NBC reports that the circus is calling it quits due to low ticket sales they’re blaming it on not using elephants any longer. Oh, sure, blame it on Dumbo!
The announcement comes after the show saw a steep drop in ticket sales, after the circus’ owners ended the use of live elephants in performances. The circus was involved in protracted legal battles with animal rights groups over the use of elephants in the show.
“Ringling Bros. ticket sales have been declining, but following the transition of the elephants off the road, we saw an even more dramatic drop,” Kenneth Feld, chairman and CEO of Feld Entertainment which owns the circus, said in a statement issued Saturday night.
As you can imagine, PETA is already dancing a a non-animal tested jig on Ringling Bros. grave. In vegan shoes.
After 36 years of PETA protests, which showed the world the plight of animal captivity, PETA heralds the end of the saddest show on earth.
— PETA (@peta) January 15, 2017
The Humane Society was a little nicer and gave them a gentle pat on the head on the way to the circus unemployment line (it’s staffed by clowns!).
“Ringling Bros. has changed a great deal over a century and a half, but not fast enough,” Humane Society of the United States President and CEO Wayne Pacelle said in a Facebook post.
He added: “It’s just not acceptable any longer to cart wild animals from city to city and have them perform silly yet coercive stunts. I know this is bittersweet for the Feld family, but I applaud their decision to move away from an institution grounded on inherently inhumane wild animal acts.””
Ringling Bros. currently has two touring shows that will garage all of their tiny clown cars in May. Some of the 500-something employees that run the show will move on to Feld Entertainment’s other productions (Monster Jam, Disney on Ice and Marvel Live) but many are out of jobs. And the animals?
The company said that its animals — including lions, tigers, camels, donkeys, alpacas, kangaroos and llamas — will go to suitable homes. It added that it will continue to operate the Florida-based Center for Elephant Conservation, where it placed its elephants after phasing them out of the show in May 2016.
Kenneth Feld also explained that he felt low ticket sales were due to little kids being so jacked up on media in our digital age that they can’t sit still for Ringling Bros. standard two and a half hour shows.
“The competitor in many ways is time,” he told the agency, adding that many small children raised on modern entertainment found it difficult to sit still for the duration of the more than two-hour-long show.
Um, Seventh Day Adventist children wouldn’t sit still for a two hour (and something) show, Kenny. The circus was started in 1919 when the Ringlings merged their show with the one created by legendary con artist PT Barnum.
The only thing I associate the circus with is terror, and that’s for two reasons. One, laughing clowns with red mouths that made me think of blood. I was (and continue to be) a morbid child. The other is the extreme anxiety and stress young J. Harvey endured waiting for the Ringling Bros. tightrope walkers to plunge to their deaths. ESPECIALLY when the announcer declared that they were taking off their safety harnesses. Children shouldn’t have to enter cognitive behavioral therapy to relieve anxiety after a day out at the big top. That cotton candy wilted rather quickly from fear, let me tell you.
Pic: NBC News
The hero dog who saved one of its sworn enemies, a cat, from living the rest of its life in a pizza roll bag!
The words “animals are better than people” should be tattooed onto everyone’s brain, because we’re shown that fact a million times and we were shown it again when this video of a pussy in peril went viral. The Daily Mail says that a dude in Louisa, Kentucky went outside of his house and found a distressed ginger cat whose head was stuck in a pizza roll bag. The dude thinks that cat was going through the trash and accidentally got trapped in that pizza roll bag. But instead of putting on his Captain-Save-A-Pussy hat and rescuing that cat from its pizza roll bag prison, the human picked up his phone and started recording, because he “thought people might think it was funny.”
Unlike humans, dogs don’t live for YouTube thumbs up (well, I should say most dogs don’t, because that attention whore Zeus totally does), so one pooch temporarily ignored his natural instinct to hate every damn cat and heroically saved a bitch. The dog pulled the pizza roll bag off of the cat’s head and as my frost-covered heart felt a little warmness, Best Of Friends from the Fox and the Hound started playing in my head:
And after that, the dog and cat teamed up to whoop that human trick’s ass for not helping the cat out and for filming in portrait mode. No, but that cat owes its life to that dog, and I’m sure when they meet again in battle during the cat vs. dog war I keep going on about, that cat will remember how kind that dog friend was. Sure, the cat will still claw the pooch in the face, but pussy will be try to be gentle about it.
As if Chris Hemsworth and Elsa Pataky weren’t already cute enough, the couple is also close friends with Matt Damon and wife Luciana Barroso. On Saturday, the foursome stepped out for a fun night out on the town at Catch restaurant in LA. Chris and Elsa held hands as they made their way out of the building, while Luciana and Matt followed close behind. In case you weren’t aware, Matt and Chris have been friends for years. In an interview with GQ back in 2014, the Thor star opened up about their friendship, saying, «We became friends around the time I started to work, and I’ve really benefited from watching how he handles himself. Matt’s just a normal guy who has the movie-star thing figured out.» With award season in full swing, perhaps we’ll see more of the foursome in the coming weeks.
The cast of HBO’s upcoming Big Little Lies miniseries stepped out in style for Elle‘s annual Women in Television soirée in LA on Saturday. Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman, Laura Dern, Kathryn Newton, and Shailene Woodley stuck together as photographers snapped their photos, while Zoë Kravitz brought along boyfriend Karl Glusman, who we last saw during their steamy Miami getaway in December. In anticipation of the book-to-TV adaptation, the magazine featured all four stars on four separate gorgeous covers for their February issue. Not only does Zoë open up about why she idolizes her mom, but Nicole talks about her sex scenes with Alexander Skarsgard. In the show — which premieres Feb. 19 — Nicole, Shailene, and Reese star as three mothers with children who attend the same school and end up getting tangled in a web of sex, murder, mystery, and lies.
“Agonizing custody battles” has become an unfortunate trend with our celebrity friends lately. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have reportedly been scrapping over their hundreds of children (how do they even keep track of them, there’s so many). Yesterday, we watched a dismal video of law enforcement at Paula Patton’s house on behalf of Robin Thicke (he was trying to leave with their son, but no dice). Today’s the day we learn that Uma Thurman and her ex-boyfriend, French financier Arpad (Arki) Busson, have been yanking on either arm of their 4-year-old daughter Luna like she is a child-sized wishbone.
Arki publicly accused Uma of mixing booze and pills to battle mental illness during their custody trial on Friday. One, how Valley of the Dolls. Two, who doesn’t?
Page Six reports that, in court in NYC, Arki’s lawyer was questioning a psychologist, and noted a shrink had mentioned in a report that Uma likes to follow up her happy pills with a booze chaser. Welbutrin with pinot noir, right? I COULD TOTALLY BE A CELEBRITY.
“You had Mr. Busson telling you– and you put this in your report a number of times — that the mother had serious mental illness and this was a point of conflict because the mother resented being accused of having a serious mental illness,” Busson’s lawyer, Peter Bronstein, asked a psychologist.
“Yes,” said the doctor, Sara Weiss.
Dr. Sara Weiss is a court-appointed psychologist. Questioning followed about what Uma takes for meds, as well as an accusation that she’s allegedly supplementing them with self-prescribed cocktails.
Bronstein asked Weiss about the three drugs Thurman is allegedly taking — Triazolam, Wellbutrin and Klonopin — which treat depression, anxiety and insomnia.
“And she consumes alcohol, do you understand that?” Bronstein asked.
Uma’s lawyer shrieked “objection” at that point, and Arki’s lawyer backed off that line of questioning. “Arki” is sort of an adorable nickname and makes this dude sound like the wise-cracking robot sidekick on a basic cable sci-fi show. My favorite part of this report is that Uma “quietly sipped a cup of coffee and then crossed her arms” while a lawyer insinuated that she’s unstable when it comes to the usage of her meds. Can you drink coffee in court? That’s allowed now? Just have a Starbucks Trenta up on the table? Is that a celebrity perk? The last time I was in court (none of your business), the people at the tables up front weren’t treating the venue and situation like it was a Dunkin’ Donuts.
Asked about any possible side effects of the meds and why Uma might be taking them, Dr. Weiss responded that she was not an expert in medication. She also testified that she didn’t know why Beatrix Kiddo was supposedly popping pills but noted that “stress is not easy for her..”
To respond to Arki’s accusations, Uma’s lawyer tried to stop the bleeding by getting the doctor to admit that it’s not like she’s frothing at the mouth and in need of restraints.
Under cross examination by Thurman’s lawyer Weiss said she was aware that Thurman had “some Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder” and a “mild learning disability,” but no “personality disorder.”
Uma’s legal rep also accused Arki of being a shitty father.
Alter tried to paint Busson as a bad dad as Weiss testified he once let Luna ride her scooter with a helmet, climb a rock in Central Park without supervision and told her to “shut up.”
I’m not taking sides here but all that sounds like it would register relatively low on the “demonic parenting” scale. Oh, hold up, he was also accused of blowing off his daughter visiting him in the Bahamas to fly to Cuba for a Rolling Stones concert. Insanely rich people have ridiculous, albeit interesting, scheduling problems.
Uma and Arki, who dated on-and-off since 2007, put a Hattori Hanzō samurai sword (yes, I am that geeky) through their relationship for good in 2014. They were engaged twice but (thankfully it would appear) never made it down the aisle. Can you blame her? Uma’s buddy and Kill Bill director Quentin Tarantino probably would have insisted on officiating. As well as insisting that the bride is barefoot with a hemline short enough that he could have full sight line of her feet. Because you know he’s a kinkster when it comes to women’s hooves.
Please let it also be known that Uma and Arki somehow avoided their own post in the “Celebrities Tend To Give Their Children Ridiculous-Ass Names” category here on Dlisted. Because Wikipedia claims Luna’s full name is “Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson.” Good luck fitting that on a “Hello, I’m…” nametag at your first “Children of Celebrities” group therapy meeting, Luna!