What If Your Unborn Child Wanted You To Murder?

«Children these days are really spoiled, like ‘Mummy I want a Playstation. Mummy I want you to kill that man.'»

Written and directed by Alice Lowe, Prevenge is the horror-comedy that earned startled and rave reviews out of its festival run for unfurling a twisted tale of a pregnant woman driven to serial killing by her unborn daughter. Fans of British bad boy Ben Wheatley might remember Lowe as the co-writer and co-star of his 2012 crime-thriller Sightseers, about a pair of tourists who cause carnage while road tripping. With her directorial debut, this English iconoclast takes her dark sense of humor to the motherhood-horror genre with a relish and irreverence that has us salivating.

We Need To Talk About Kevin. The Bad Seed. Alien. Goodnight Mommy. Horror that dares to tap into a primal fear and deep taboo: fear of motherhood. Fear that something is living inside you beyond your control that is changing your body and who you are. And Prevenge looks ready and eager to join the ranks of these gruesome greats.

ScreenCrush reports Prevenge will be opening in the United Kingdom on February 10th. Reportedly, a U.S. release will follow, but an exact date has not yet been revealed. We’ll keep you posted.

Kristy Puchko feels Ridley Scott is the only man alive who understands her nightmares.

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‘Sherlock’ Recap, ‘The Six Thatchers’: There’s Something About Mary

For those who haven’t watched last night’s fourth season premiere of Sherlock, I’ll only say I stand by what I wrote in June. (Also avoid the comments on this post.) It’s difficult to balance a show that has equal parts death, crime and heartbreak, and endearing mad cap-ism while also solving a mystery worthy of Mr. Holmes. «The Six Thatchers», unfortunately, had the formula all backwards. The mystery continually started, only to sputter out, while the emotional weight seemed to be introduced with the same touch received by so many Lennie’d rabbits.

The show also contained a surprising lack of new information. In a lot of ways, the introduction to a new season felt significantly more like the conclusion to the last. The Big Bad is still Moriarty, the team is still adjusting to Mary’s secret identity, Sherlock still likes to party. We know all of this. But if for some reason you didn’t remember, don’t worry. The show will remind you of prior plot points many times throughout the episode.

All that said, this is still Sherlock, which means it’s still better than most things you’ll see on TV. The fact that the writing doesn’t crackle and the emotional notes don’t hit as well as they used to is more a testament to how staggeringly good the first two seasons were than anything else. You should still watch it, you should just adjust your expectations.

This is also where anyone who hasn’t seen the episode should jump ship, as I’ll be discussing plot points in much greater details after the gif. Consider this your Vatican cameos spoiler warning.

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Don’t worry, we’ll get to it. But first:

You guys remember «The Sign of Three«? Of course. The reason I bring it up is that, for better or worse, it was an episode where the main mystery was not the central story. The story was about John and Mary’s wedding, and Sherlock’s reaction to that. You could argue that a lot of scenes were done in the name of fanservice, but it was successful in presenting a lot of story without a lot of case.

«The Six Thatchers» was the opposite of that. The whole episode was focused on a case without a lot of story. Not just the part where Sherlock is manically solving cases on his phone, waiting for Moriarty’s next move. The actual case about the Thatcher busts doesn’t have anything to it. They find some broken busts, they find some blood, they get a dog, the dog doesn’t work out, they move on. None of that is a story. It’s all a series of barely related elements with little resolution and no importance. Why did we watch Mary sneak around the world, trying desperately to hide herself in order to protect John and Rosamund? So that Sherlock could play a trick? In what way does that advance either the stories or the characters?

Almost everything about the episode had a similar «so what»-ness to it. Remember how Sherlock initially came into contact with the first broken bust? Because a teenager died in a car, and wasn’t found for a week. The mystery is solved in five minutes, and then never spoken of again. Why? I’m not arguing that all cases need to end up wildly linked (although it was fairly well done in both «The Sign of Three» and «A Scandal in Belgravia»), but I am arguing that if cases are going to be introduced they should be inherently important to the continuation of the story. Like a lot of the episode, the mystery was neither important nor clever enough to justify its inclusion.

All of which would make it only a mediocre episode if Moffat and Gatiss hadn’t decided to end the show with the big guns. I’m pretty forgiving of this show. I don’t mind if the stories are a little too neat. I don’t mind if there’s an occasional plot hole. I’m even willing to believe that Dr. John Watson could possibly be lured into an emotional affair with a Pretty Lady on a Bus. But when you murder Mary Fucking Watson in order to cause a fight in John and Sherlock’s love affair, you’ve gone too fucking far. They couldn’t even bother giving her an interesting backstory before killing her off for Sherson? They didn’t even tell us anything new. «Oh, Mary was a trained assassin for hire? You don’t say. Because I only figured that out last episode when she said Magnussen should be killed and that’s why there are people like her.»

The episode essentially spun its wheels for an hour and fifteen minutes, and then hit us over the head with emotion. Which isn’t to say it didn’t work, because I cried like a baby. But emotional manipulation without the story to back it up isn’t good TV. It isn’t earned or honest. And it isn’t the ending that Mary deserved.

And now, onto the group grieving.

Pajiba

Pope Tells Bishops It’s Time to Really Enforce that Zero Tolerance to Sex Abuse Policy

Pope Francis was criticized this summer for waffling on plans to put child abusers on trial within the Catholic Church, as well as those who facilitated abuse with cover ups. Instead, he strengthened the rules agains sexually abusing children that already existed, which he reminded bishops about one more time for the new year.

Read more…


Jezebel

The 10 Most Unexpectedly Resonant Movies in a Sudden Trump Era

Jackie — A woman mourns the death of a hopeful administration at the dawn of an American nightmare.

Green Room — Apathetic millennials misjudge the very real threat of being trapped in a house with neo-Nazis.

Rogue One — Women and POC fight against a fascist regime made up of old white men with a nuclear arsenal and no sense of humor.

10 Cloverfield Lane — A smart woman is trapped with an overweight, mentally unstable white dude who tries to brainwash her with fake news.

Loving — Because without Civil Rights and a Supreme Court that believes in human decency, we’re totally fucked.

Nocturnal Animals — A successful woman realizes she underestimated a man’s manipulative use of red state venality for vindictive purposes.

Barry — Because the once in two generations ascendancy of a great political leader now feels like a distant dream.

Southside with You — See above, but throw in best First Lady since the number one pick.

Arrival — Because why we can’t we all get along and you know, not be the worst intergalactic species in the cosmos?

Captain America: Civil War — Because two fantasies of what America is and should be literally pummel the crap out of each other.

Daniel Hardy is a Brooklyn-based screenwriter with a current batting average of one produced script per every 10 written. He’s also a new Dad, doesn’t sleep much, and would be thrilled if more people followed him on Twitter.

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Billie Lourd Speaks Out After the Deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds

A photo posted by Billie Lourd (@praisethelourd) on

Last week, young actress Billie Lourd’s final days of 2016 took a heartbreaking turn. Just after Christmas, Billie lost her mother, Carrie Fisher, best known for her role as Princess Leia in the iconic first trilogy of Star Wars. The day after, Billie suffered the death of Debbie Reynolds, her grandmother. On Monday, the actress finally broke her silence by sharing a sad but uplifting note on her personal Instagram account. «Receiving all of your prayers and kind words over the past week has given me strength during a time I thought strength could not exist,» she wrote. «There are no words to express how much I will miss my Abadaba and my one and only Momby. Your love and support means the world to me.» In the wake of the tragic news, Billie received an outpouring of compassion, both in celebrity reactions and words of love from her fellow Scream Queens castmembers. It seems she’ll carry that strength — and her mother’s and grandmother’s legacies — onward into 2017.

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Mariah Carey Is Accusing Dick Clark Productions Of SABOTAGE!!!

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After Mariah Carey perfectly ended 2016 with a rhinestone-embedded and Spanx-wrap train wreck in Times Square, the camera cut to that shady little Ghoulie Ryan Seacrest saying, “No matter what Mariah does, the crowd absolutely loves it.” I did give that shifty Bronzer-dipped toad points for throwing that tiny bit of shade. But after I gave him points, I wondered if the black sheep of the Keebler Elves snuck into the sound truck and used his little evil elf fingers to turn off the sound in Mimi’s earpiece. I mean, Ryan is partly responsible for unleashing the Kartrashians on us, so he knows all about how to pull shameless stunts for attention. Mimi and her people apparently think the same thing. They’re screaming SABOTAGE!

Mimi’s manager Stella Bulochnikov (the one everyone hates) tells Billboard that Mimi’s earpiece wasn’t working before her performance and the tech people from Dick Clark Productions kept telling them that it would work out. Stella can’t believe that Dick Clark Productions did Mimi dirty by not cutting to commercial or dropping her performance from the West Coast feed, especially after she so graciously gave them the gift of her during her vacation!

“We told them [the stage managers] that the in-ears were not working 10 minutes before the performance. They then changed the battery pack, and they were still not working on the frequency four minutes before the show. We let them know again, and they just kept counting her down and reassuring her that they will work as soon as they go live, which never happened — at which point she pulled them out but could not hear the music over the crowd.

After the show, I called [Dick Clark Productions’] Mark Shimmel and I said, ‘What the fuck happened?’ He said, ‘Let me call you back,’ then called me back and confirmed the in-ears were not working and asked if I would make a joint statement. I said, ‘No way.’ I asked him to cut the West Coast feed. He said he could not do that. I asked him why would they want to run a performance with mechanical glitches unless they just want eyeballs at any expense … It’s not artist friendly, especially when the artist cut her vacation short as a New Year’s Eve gift to them.”

I was going to say that I bet DCP is looking for the gift receipt so that they can return that performance, but they definitely love how much attention that disaster is getting. Mimi’s people also point out that in the interview with Ryan before her performance, she complained about not being able to hear him (it’s at the end of this clip).

Stella also dramatically tells The New York Post that if they don’t get a formal apology from DCP, they may sue. Stella doesn’t think that DCP deliberately messed with Mimi’s sound, but she thinks that they let the train wreck going for ratings. The Post also posted the crazy CAPS-FILLED e-mail that Stella hit DCP with:

“You know her inner ears were NOT working and your entire production team did not set her up to win. AND MARIAH KEPT TELLING THEM [something was wrong] ON STAGE IN REAL TIME/

THEY KEPT IGNORING HER. SHE TOOK A HIT HONORING HER COMMITMENT TO YOU. I SHOULD HAVE PULLED HER OFF THE STAGE THIS IS SABOTAGE.”

Dick Clark Productions denied the sabotage claim. Another source put the blame on Mimi’s tech team and Mimi herself for not rehearsing and not doing a sound check.

I did wonder why they let that fiasco go on and didn’t cut to Ryan. But Ryan was probably jacking it while thinking about how they were about to become the #1 trending topic on Twitter and the eyeballs of the people watching at home really didn’t need to be tainted by the sight of a fapping lizard. They also could’ve cut to Jenny McCarthy, but the people didn’t deserve that either. Their eyeballs were already tainted enough by the sight of the anti-vaxxing peroxide predator in a foreskin coat:

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Those people are definitely thinking to themselves, “Don’t make eye contact with the peroxide predator… don’t make eye contact.”

An investigation (led by Detective La Toya, of course) into this disaster should definitely be launched, because it’s THAT important. But I have a feeling that at the end of it, investigators will declare that Dick Clark Productions did commit sabotage. They sabotaged themselves by booking Mariah Carey to do a live performance on the biggest drinking night of the year.

And can it really be called “sabotage” if the end result was the greatest performance of 2016?

Pic: Splash

Dlisted

Supercut Of Ultimate Bruce Willis Action Movie

Here’s one for the 90’s action flick fans.

Editor Pierre-Alexandre CHAUVAT woke up one morning and asked himself a question that everyone asks themselves now and again: what if every movie was out to kill Bruce Willis?

The only difference is, he went ahead and did something about it. The answer is, actually, surprisingly coherent and impressively put together. Check it out:

Everybody wants to kill Bruce 2 from Pierre-Alexandre Chauvat on Vimeo.

As it happens this is not Pierre-Alexander and his team’s first Bruce Willis rodeo. That above is the sequel. The original is damn good too:

Everybody wants to kill Bruce 1 from Pierre-Alexandre Chauvat on Vimeo.

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Petr Knava
lives in London and plays music

Pajiba

Hot Slut Of The Day!

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The Hollyweed sign that started off 2017 the right way!

A giant chunk of 2016 may have been as pleasant as getting claw banged in the dick slit by a tiger, but 2017 has already started off on a high note (high being the key word) thanks to the hero who changed the Hollywood sign to Hollyweed yesterday.

KTLA says that someone (suspects: Snoop Dogg, Cheech & Chong, me while in a good shit haze) spent their New Year’s Day morning changing the Hollywood sign to Hollyweed. L.A. Police Officer Christopher Garcia tells KTLA that they have surveillance footage of the suspect, who they believe is a dude, using tarps to beautify the hell out of the Hollywood sign. The cops say that since it was raining and dark, they aren’t sure how tall the dude is or what his race is, but they know that he Willie Nelson’d the Hollywood sign sometime between midnight and two in the morning.

There are sensors at the sign that trigger an alarm for police, but because the sensors are only in certain areas of the letters, it’s possible to avoid them. There’s a road accessible to the public by foot and car behind the sign.

“We believe this person came from behind the sign,” Garcia said.

This isn’t the first time that a hero has changed the sign to Hollyweed. It was done in 1976.

Yesterday and today are holidays, so the city should’ve taken their sweet time in changing it back. You know, sit back, have a few legal joints and get to it when they get to it. Or better yet, just leave it up! But yesterday, they took off the tarps that turned the Os into Es. This is what it look like halfway through:

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“Hollywoed” works too!

I don’t know if the Hollyweed hero is a stoner or not, but if they are, then nobody can ever say shit about stoners being lazy, unmotivated and not ambitious. Because not only did they pull their good shit-filled body off of the couch and actually go outside, they hiked to the Hollywood sign to commit one of the first heroic acts of 2017. So everyone should raise a bong, joint, blunt or vape pen to them!

Pics: Getty

Dlisted

Lauren Conrad Is Having A Baby

7th Annual Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic

The former cast member from Laguna Beach/The Hills who got the most press in 2016 was Kristin Cavallari, which made sense, since 2016 seemed to be not-so-secretly out to get us all. Well, 2017 has decided to take a less aggressive approach by throwing Lauren Conrad back into the spotlight. Kitson may be long gone, but the glory days of the early 2000s will live on as long as girls from The Hills keep getting knocked up.

The human equivalent of the basket of bread the waiter brings you at The Cheesecake Factory recently announced on Instagram that she and her husband of two years, William Tell, are going to be parents.

Happy New Year! I have a feeling 2017 is going to be the best year yet…

A photo posted by Lauren Conrad (@laurenconrad) on

The Hills girls are all slowly turning into The Bumps (I deserve all the groans for that one). Lauren is about to become a mommy, Audrina Patridge became a mommy last June, Kristin is a mommy three times. Heidi Montag has one child (Spencer Pratt). Meanwhile, my personal favorite Hills girl, Jen Bunney, has been pretty MIA, which is entirely wrong. If 2017 wants to make it up to me, it will bring back that shady bitch Jen Bunney for some reason (find a way, 2017).

LC doesn’t say when her BB is due or anything else like that. But I’m sure we’ll get an update when she figures out some kind of truly-janky DIY pregnancy craft. “Hey everyone, here’s a fun fringed boho crib mobile made out of fabric scraps! All you need is a pair of pinking shears and about 10-15 cashmere onesies from Petit Tresor.

Pic: Wenn.com

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