In case you couldn’t tell from your co-workers dressed up as slutty Donald Trump and a tied-up Kim Kardashian (I’m guessing), it’s Halloween. And if you don’t have a Slutoween costume yet, just get yourself some simple black pumps, slip on a leotard from American Apparel that chokes your pussy out, use some Scotch tape to raise your brows to the heavens, toss a green sheet over your head and BOOM! You’re instantly Apparatia from the Ghostbusters cartoon!
My partner in foolery Allison texted me yesterday and suggested Apparatia for Halloween HSOTD and it instantly transported my ass back to the era of true glamour. The Ghostbusters cartoon (later called the Filmation Ghostbusters) first played during the daytime in 1986 and lasted for 65 episodes. Apparatia was a sorceress who had thighs that could crack open a marble and looked like a white chola trying to do Elvira on a budget. Apparatia conjured up apparitions and also used a crystal ball to do magic.
Apparatia taught the children of the 80s about glamour and the importance of having an eyebrow situation that looks like a roller coaster constructed by God. At around the 4:25 mark in the video below, take in Apparatia’s sexiness and her Yellow Pages Mae West impersonation:
She’s like Vampira if Vampira got fucked hard by the 80s, and that truly IS the epitome of glamour.
Every year, the wrecks of Today do one big group costume and they usually go all out. Last year, they brought the night terrors by dressing up as The Peanuts and the scars I got on my brain from being exposed to that terrifying shit still haven’t healed. Well, the producers must have used most of the show’s budget to pay preppy butt plug Billy Bushto go away, because this year’s costumes looked like they came from a community theater costume shop sale and a Salvation Army donation bin. You know they told Kathie Lee Gifford that a bottle of chardonnay was hiding at the bottom of that bin and she hopped in to get it.
The 90s have been barfing all over 2016 for a while now (see: every trick wearing a choker, Vanilla Ice being somewhat relevant again, the return of Kimmy Gibbler, etc…), but on Today this morning, the 90s came back in a messy way.
They did one giant 90s theme. Matt Lauer dressed as Jerry Seinfeld and looked more like a pasty Wayne Newton as a half-assed Prince. Kathie Lee Gifford dressed as a 90s era Regis Philbin and the furry dog turds they glued onto her face will haunt me for the rest of the day. And Tamron Hall dressed as both Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction and Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. While dressed up as the second one, Tamron did the legendary “It’s VEEERRRY expensive” scene from Pretty Woman and went on to do another bizarro scene with Al Roker (as Urkel) and Dylan Dreyer (as Baby Spice). Tamron should definitely quit her day job, because acting is her destiny! And Dylan Dreyer should definitely quit her day job too, because being a British accent coach is her destiny!
But seriously, I know that scene isn’t supposed to be good and it’s all just fun and games, but I wasn’t laughing. I was not amused by them cutting Snobby Saleswoman #2 completely out and giving her iconic line to Snobby Saleswoman #1 (played by Jill Martin). Snobby Saleswoman #2 is thee pivotal role in Pretty Woman and her line changes everything. Cutting Snobby Saleswoman #2 out of Pretty Woman is like cutting Macbeth out of Macbeth. If those tricks at the Today show cared about details and did their research, they would know that! And they call themselves serious journalists! (“We don’t actually, didn’t you see today’s show?” – everyone at Today)
If Instagram is any indication, Kate Hudson’s annual Halloween bash was the place to be this past Friday night. Hudson herself donned an outfit straight out of the Wild West, and declared with a caption that Katy Perry’s eerily realistic Hillary Clinton costume was the best of the night.
Image courtesy of Kate Hudson.
If you’re still unsure about what to serve in celebration of All Hallows’ Eve, here’s the creepy take on a Cosmo Hudson served to her A-list guests.
KATE HUDSON’S BLOODY WHITE COSMO 1.5 oz. Absolut Elyx vodka 1 oz. White cranberry juice .75 oz. Blood orange liqueur .5 oz. Freshly squeezed lemon juice
Combine all Ingredients in a cocktail shaker with plenty of ice, shake hard until outside of shaker is frosty and cold. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with 3 red cranberries on a spooky toothpick.
Michael Douglas did “An Evening with Michael Douglas” at the Royal Drury Lane Theater in London last night, and he should’ve spent the entire evening describing in detail what it was like getting humped from the back by Matt Damon while wearing a polyester beaver on his head. But instead of doing that, Michael Douglas spent the evening talking about his career with host Jonathan Ross. When Michael talked about making 1996’s The Ghost and the Darkness, his fat mouth hole spilled out the news that his co-star Val Kilmer has tongue cancer and is in a bad way. “Not knowing that spilling someone’s medical situation isn’t a good idea” is probably a side effect of eating a lot of twat.
Michael Douglas was diagnosed with stage 4 oral cancer in 2010 and later said he beat it with radiation and chemo treatments. During his Q&A with Wossy (there I go speaking Brit-esh, AGAIN), Michael let the world know that he’s praying for 56-year-old Val Kilmer who is currently battling tongue cancer. via People
“The picture didn’t turn out as well as I hoped but I had a wonderful time. Val was a wonderful guy who is dealing with exactly what I had, and things don’t look too good for him. My prayers are with him. That’s why you haven’t heard too much from Val lately.”
A source tells Entertainment Tonight that Michael also hasn’t heard from Val in over a year. Hmmm…. Why do I have a feeling that Michael D’oh-glas is going to hear from Val real soon and it will most likely be in a text message that may read like this: YOU CUNT MOTHERFUCKER ASSHOLE PIECE OF SHIT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!
I have that feeling, because Val has made it clear that he wants to keep his medical business to himself. Val was photographed with a tracheostomy tube late last year and there were reports that he had throat cancer. Val denied having throat cancer. Val’s family later said that he’s got a throat tumor that he’s not treating because he’s a Christian Scientist. Val responded to that with a long Facebook post where he farted on the claims that he has a throat tumor and said that his health is his business. So I fully expect Michael Douglas to take it all back and say, “Errr, what I meant was, um, that Val, errr, um, hey, remember that time I said that munching puss gave me cancer?”
And here’s Michael Douglas putting Val Kilmer’s business out there at the Royal Drury Lane Theater last night.
C’mon Infowars bro, here we are trying to STICK TO SPORTS by staying on message about the World Series, the Cubs, the Indians, baseball, stolen bases for tacos, how to use the bullpen and when to bring in Schwarber to pinch hit and you have to go all “Bill Clinton is a rapist” on the Fox 32 news.
You can’t go on Twitter an tell us to STICK TO SPORTS and then do this when we try to STICK TO SPORTS. It’s not cool, Infowars bro. But something tells me you don’t give a shit, you want to disrupt at will and then tell us to STICK TO SPORTS during debates. It’s like us sports guys are living under a Communist regime who will only let us talk when Infowars bro says it’s OK to speak.
Say goodbye to airport traffic and hours of travel time, Lake Tahoe travelers. Beginning on November 3, JetSmarter, the world’s largest private jet booking company, is bringing a popular destination to its current JetShuttle routes. JetSmarter members will now have the option to book single seats upon a shared private jet with other consumers from San Francisco to Lake Tahoe.
JetShuttles currently fly throughout the Middle East, Europe and the United States, including but not limited to San Francisco, New York, Chicago, Las Vegas and Boston. Eight passengers can fly aboard each of the new Lake Tahoe flights scheduled on Mondays and Thursdays weekly. Empty seats are up for grabs on a first come, first serve basis with updates made on the JetSmarter app in real time.
“We always strive to meet our customer’s needs,” said Sergey Petrossov, Founder and CEO of JetSmarter in a release. “By popular demand, we’re proud to offer this new travel option for our San Francisco members, who can enjoy this quick flight to a beautiful getaway at Lake Tahoe.”
Don’t see something that works for your schedule? Members can also initiate their own JetShuttle. City, time and destination are all up to one’s discretion for half the cost of a private charter elsewhere — show up for departure and leave logistics up to the JetSmarter team.
Upon becoming part of the JetSmarter community, flyers also have the option to create their own charter flights, to book aboard other initiated charters, and to arrange helicopter service to and from the Hamptons, New York and Chicago airports.